Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

what?

2006-10-20 03:05:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thinking of buying the wife a chair for xmas anyone know a good electrician to wire the plug

2006-10-20 03:03:21 · 25 answers · asked by ? 2

what if carrot top was one of us........ just a slob like one of us??

2006-10-20 03:00:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before you say ne thing MY DAUGHTER IS A LAW STUDENT .JUST A JOKE!!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

2006-10-20 02:56:21 · 8 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4

I work in an estate agents, and we have to do a halloween themed catchphrasey thing. it has 2 b linked with buying/selling a house i.e scared of moving? but better can anyone help me. ?

2006-10-20 02:51:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-20 02:51:50 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

my question involves some thought, so bear with me here!! i was wondering...... i won't throw all the cards on the table at once, little by little so your head doesn't explode, here goes. the other day i was trying to ride my bicycle down the airport runway and a security guard politely escorted me to prison. my question is should i have went along accordingly and accepted my sentencing, or should i have said, " i am strapped with more c4 in weight than you can eat in donuts, biyiyiotch!!" would that have gotten his attention?? anyway, i went along and he tried to touch me, if you know what i mean, and i tried to sue him!! so the judge asked my side of the story and i told him about the flying unicorns and how much i hate meat pie, i don't know why he threw away the case?! anyway, i don't see what the harm is in riding down airport runways while attempting to do a bunny hop onto the airplane wing and earning bonus points, do you??

2006-10-20 02:45:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let
>her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears,
>and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the
>ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
>Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
>"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into
>a pumpkin."
>
>Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and
goes,
>and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows
up,
>looking love struck and very satisfied.
>"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was
>supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince,
Fairy
>Godmother.
>He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
>prince with that kind of
>power!
>Tell me his name!"
>Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
>Peter, Peter, the something eater."

2006-10-20 02:43:02 · 9 answers · asked by funoburgmom 3

bag & belt combination, but I'm worried, what happens if it doesn't fit the vacuum cleaner?

2006-10-20 02:37:14 · 22 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

what does a dislexic,insaumniatic aethiest do at nighttime?

**rocking back and forth**
"there is no doG,there is no doG"

2006-10-20 02:30:47 · 6 answers · asked by follow the yellow brick road:P 3

so she told him to fix the front door" Im not a carpenter" said the husband, So when he get home from work later that day everything is fixed, " how did u fix everything?" the husband asked. his wife replied, " I found a man who said he would fix everything if I either had sex with him or baked him a pie" The husband asked " so what kind of pie did u bake?" His wife said" Im not a baker!"

2006-10-20 02:30:42 · 8 answers · asked by claytonj68 1

What do you call a Chav in a box?
> >Innit.
> >
> >2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
> >Sorted
> >
> >3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
> >Safe.
> >
> >4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
> >Innuinnit.
> >
> >5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
> >They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
> >stairs.
> >
> >6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
> >The bride.
> >
> >7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
> >not to hit him?
> >It might be your bike.
> >
> >8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
> >One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
> >
> >9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
> >"What you lookin' at?"
> >
> >10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
> >Paint three stripes on it.
> >
> >11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
> >The police
> >
> >12. What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSEs?
> >A liar.
> >
> >13. What do you say to a Chav with a job?
> >Can I have fries with that?
> >
> >14. What do you say to a Chav in a suit?
> >Will the defendant please stand
> >
> >15. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
> >A Nova seats 4
> >
> >16. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
> >Granny.
> >
> >17. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
> >A start.
> >
> >18. Why did the Chav cross the road?
> >To start a
> >fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
> >
> >19. What do you call a Chav at college?
> >The cleaner.
> >
> >20. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?
> >Society

2006-10-20 02:20:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See, men just don't listen!

2006-10-20 02:13:44 · 31 answers · asked by untanuta 5

You are running down a passageway, escaping from a horde of nasty people who will kill you if they catch you. The passage then ends, but there are two doors each with an armed guard in front of it. One door will lead to freedom, the other door will lead to certain death. If you take neither door, the nasty people who are chasing you will catch up and kill you. Overpowering the guards and stealing their weapons to kill the nasty people is NOT an option. Now, you can ask ONE question of EITHER guard to determine which door you should take. However, one of the guards always tells the truth while the other guard always lies. What single question can you ask to either guard to guarantee that you select the correct door?

2006-10-20 02:13:00 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

2006-10-20 02:11:32 · 9 answers · asked by funoburgmom 3

and when we had sex i loved to give so i asked her what she wanted...she said MUMMMMMMMMM...do me like a black man,soooooooo...i got her pregnet and left ...lololol

2006-10-20 02:06:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

2006-10-20 01:54:49 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot
from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull
mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask
him if it was with the same cow

2006-10-20 01:52:42 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

10. Andrew Jackson: "When I withdraw money from the bank, instead of asking for twenties, I ask for 'Me's'."

9. James Garfield: "Every morning as I walk into Radio Shack, my co-workers have to play 'Hail To The Chief'."

8. George Washington: "I get the History Channel for free."

7. William Henry Harrison: "I don't just say 'no' when my wife wants to redo the kitchen--I veto it."

6. William McKinley: Surefire pickup line: "Want to 'Mount McKinley'?"

5. Richard Nixon: "Nothing."

4. Bill Clinton: "I always get V.I.P. treatment at strip clubs."

3. Zachary Taylor: "I'm named after the guy who...actually, I'd never heard of him until today."

2. Thomas Jefferson: "When I show up at Colonial Williamsburg, I get more tail than Frank Sinatra."

1. George W. Bush: "It's fun to buy rounds for everyone and send the tab to the White House."

y'all ladies and gents' like this?

2006-10-20 01:46:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

2006-10-20 01:43:51 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

Post in some good Diwali SMS

2006-10-20 01:38:27 · 21 answers · asked by Speaking U 1

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

2006-10-20 01:35:41 · 10 answers · asked by Electric 7

Old men are to be fed Viagra in hospital as part of NHS cut backs.

It's to stop them rolling out their beds as there is a shortage of nurses.

2006-10-20 01:23:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are liars, notoriously bad lovers, and thrive on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This ****-picking is sickening your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpio people are murderers.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting ******.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical. Everyone thinks you are a ******* jerk.

PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.

2006-10-20 01:13:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

2006-10-20 01:10:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Next song: "Angels We Have Heard Get High”
Weight Watchers meet a 7 p.m. @ First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
On Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward & lay an egg on the altar.
Closing the service: Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly & the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken towards a the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward & do so.
Ladies of the church have cast off clothing. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer & medication to follow.
Evening service’s topic: "What is Hell?" Come early & listen to our choir practice.
The 8th graders will be presenting “Hamlet" @ the church basement -Friday , 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 & 11

2006-10-20 01:02:57 · 10 answers · asked by Sugar 4

If you send me your funny joke with your name I will feature it on my personal website with credi to you .. here http://peety-passion.com Thanks :o)

2006-10-20 01:00:58 · 16 answers · asked by Peety 2

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

2006-10-20 00:57:43 · 18 answers · asked by anitha 4

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :



"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

2006-10-20 00:38:35 · 29 answers · asked by vishaldsh 2

If your father was a methodist and your mother was a spiritualist.

Does that make you metholated spirits?

2006-10-20 00:38:25 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2