Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A white man was captured in the jungle by two cannibals,one said to the other lets eat him alive,So one said to the other,I will start at the head,you take the feet,As they were eating,The one at the head said,how are you doing,the one at the feet said,I am having a ball,The one at the head reply,you are eating that fast.

2006-10-19 14:42:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Popularity or Beauty

Which would you choose

Love or Hate

Love that's what I'd choose

Black or White

Both are fine

Me or Her

That's for you to decide

2006-10-19 14:39:37 · 10 answers · asked by G.nelle 1

Popcorn!!!

2006-10-19 14:35:24 · 14 answers · asked by EMO cupcake 4

A man's walking his chihuahua dog & fancies a beer. He sees a bar but a sign on the door says, 'no dogs allowed except guide dogs'....So he puts on a pair of sunglasses & walks in pretending to be blind.....'Pint of lager please' he says to the barman. The barman replies....Sorry sir I'll have to ask you to leave, no dogs allowed!'...'But i'm blind this is my guide dog' he says......'Come off it' the barman says......' They give the blind alsatians, or labradors'......Quick as a flash the man says.........'What did they give me??'

2006-10-19 14:19:39 · 21 answers · asked by kev3753 1

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2006-10-19 14:14:12 · 4 answers · asked by rmao j 1

What is the difference between an old bumper sticker and a drunk woman?
They are both hard to get off..

2006-10-19 14:11:33 · 13 answers · asked by StarShine G 7

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

2006-10-19 14:09:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's the difference between a lawyer and a devil?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the one is very, very evil, the most evil thing in the world and the other is just devil.

2006-10-19 14:05:09 · 6 answers · asked by Maxwell O 1

If an electric train was traveling northeast and the wind was blowing south,which way would the smoke blow ?

2006-10-19 14:04:19 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know!!!!!!!!!
And it easy 2 if you ever find out your going to feel realy stupid 4 not getting it!!!!

2006-10-19 13:52:15 · 28 answers · asked by shortydhg 2

A New York City lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

2006-10-19 13:52:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know there are jokes about girl's hair color. Like for blondes they are dumb blonde jokes. What are the kinds of jokes for brunettes and redheads?

2006-10-19 13:51:57 · 5 answers · asked by Avani 3

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window ''Pianist wanted for evening performances''.

''Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!'' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. ''Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs **it middle class
w*nkhole please you c*nt'', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ''Can I help you
sir?'' he says ''Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
advert
in the c*nting window and I''m here to audition.....w*nker.'' The manager
is
naturally put off by the man''s abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top
class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he
Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly
melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, ''Wonderful, wonderful.
What
was that called?'' ''That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I

just j*zzed in your daughter''s eye, and now the c*nts blind...''

''Oh'' says the manager ''err, can you play me another. Something a little

less "lively". ''W*nker..'' interjects the pianist before launching into
a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his
salty teardrops asks him the title.

''That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the
sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'' I see'' says the manager, ''Have you
got
any songs with less offensive titles?'' ''Well there''s my jazz number "Do

you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there''s the epic "I don''t care
if
you''re older my dear, you''ve still got nice jugs". ''Look'' says the
manager
interrupting, I think you''re a superb pianist but the title of your
songs
are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not
introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'' ''F*ck it'' says the
pianist
''Why not''. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd
are
lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts
a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he

decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck

he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to
the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar
relaxing
when the blonde
approaches him.''Hi'' she says. ''Hello'' he winces, struggling to hold in
the

expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, ''Do you know your
c*ck
is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?''




''Know it?'' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I f*cking wrote it!!!''

2006-10-19 13:48:29 · 7 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-10-19 13:43:03 · 5 answers · asked by Richard C 1

2006-10-19 13:37:38 · 30 answers · asked by Miracle C 1

2006-10-19 13:31:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man lived in a condo where everything was purple. purple ,floor, wall, lights, bricks, carpet, tub, sink and everything, What colour where the stairs???

2006-10-19 13:25:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

do u like chunky or watery

2006-10-19 13:22:38 · 5 answers · asked by Richard C 1

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

2006-10-19 13:13:03 · 10 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

2006-10-19 13:12:14 · 10 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2006-10-19 13:10:43 · 7 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

2006-10-19 13:09:17 · 9 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

bec the grass tickles their balls=p

2006-10-19 13:08:41 · 9 answers · asked by m1021 2

the rich man and a poor man meet in bar and both had thier annevercery the other week so the poor man ask" what did you get for your wife?"
the rich man replice" a brand new mercedice and a dimond ring"
the poor man says "why you got her both?"
rich man" well if she dont like the ring she can take it back to the store in her new car, so what did you get your wife?"
poor man" i got her a pair a slipers and a dildo"
rich man"why you got her those for"
poor man" well if she dont like the slupers she can go and f**k herself!!!"

2006-10-19 13:02:48 · 14 answers · asked by andrey & ko. 1

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2006-10-19 12:52:39 · 8 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

2006-10-19 12:50:32 · 8 answers · asked by Al 2

I was an oscar mayer weiner. Thne everyone would be in love with me!!!! finish o i wish....w/ somethin funny 2 amuse me. whoever is the funniest w/out bein extremley gross gets best answer

2006-10-19 12:50:19 · 8 answers · asked by Cindy 2

3 mice were sittin in a bar talkin about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun...I'll run into one on purpose and as it closes on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20-30 times". And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing, I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it". And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
The first and second mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"...
The third mouse slams a couple of extra shots and replies, "Im going home to f**k the cat."

2006-10-19 12:44:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

name a cuss word for every letter of da alpahbet
a-***
b-biotcyh
c-?
etc,etc.

2006-10-19 12:35:47 · 14 answers · asked by :) 2

2006-10-19 12:34:26 · 32 answers · asked by kathy m 1