Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Hi,

This is a bit of a long shot, but I am looking for an established Country & Western recording artist to record my song, which contains lyric about giving up alcohol. I have already recorded it once and I am certain it could be a hit with the right vocalist.

Regards, Smartin

2006-10-19 10:38:29 · 7 answers · asked by Smartin 1

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

2006-10-19 10:38:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they
don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist,
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

2006-10-19 10:36:40 · 18 answers · asked by RedIsBlue 3

Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.

2006-10-19 10:34:17 · 11 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

Answer - A competent liberal President.

Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?

Answer - Mace.

Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?

Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat, crap, and they are protected by the government.

2006-10-19 10:32:53 · 6 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor had to put you in a bucket of water to see which end of you would breathe.

2006-10-19 10:31:16 · 17 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, to yell for Daddy!

2006-10-19 10:30:39 · 8 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are a**holes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back."

The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an a**hole."

2006-10-19 10:29:45 · 6 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

2006-10-19 10:27:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

And his elbow nudges into a young ladies breast. "oh dear i am sorry, mind you if your heart is as soft as your tit you will let me off"
Lady replies " of course I will because if your d*** is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 37"

2006-10-19 10:21:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

2006-10-19 10:15:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a man from New Delhi
Who found a six inch screw in his belly
He unscrewed it one night
With a terrible fright
As his bollocks rolled under the telly

2006-10-19 10:14:52 · 14 answers · asked by Smartin 1

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

2006-10-19 10:13:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman travelling seperately on an overnight sleeper train find that they're sharing a room as there is no more space on the train. After the initial embarassements they agree that the lady will sleep on the top bunk, the guy below. During the night the lady wakes the man and says, "I'm a little cold up here, would you mind passing me another blanket please?" The guy replies, "I've got a better idea. Lets pretend we're married". The woman thinks the guy is sorta cute so she giggles and says, "OK". "Good", says the bloke, "Get your own f*cking blanket"

2006-10-19 10:03:35 · 23 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2006-10-19 09:57:06 · 35 answers · asked by SuPeRsTaR 2

The 2006 version of I WILL SURVIVE

SING IT GIRLS!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your
little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm
saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

2006-10-19 09:51:26 · 12 answers · asked by Roxy 2

2006-10-19 09:45:45 · 13 answers · asked by wickboom333 2

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

2006-10-19 09:44:48 · 19 answers · asked by untanuta 5

Its just that some people take some of these questions too seriously. Lightenen up, laughing is good for you.

2006-10-19 09:41:51 · 25 answers · asked by Fran T 2

1. Between the ages of 16 & 18 she is like Africa - virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 & 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 & 45 she is like America - fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 & 56 she is like Europe - exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After the age of 56 she is like Australia - everybody knows where it is but who gives a damn! :)

2006-10-19 09:38:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a
pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

2006-10-19 09:37:46 · 11 answers · asked by Roxy 2

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a
bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond .

2006-10-19 09:31:40 · 17 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

one day a fella is stood waiting for a bus,and behind him is a big high wooden fence and behind the fence a lunatic asylum,and he can hear from behind the fence people chanting over and over,,,thirteen!!thirteen!!thirteen!!so he thinks i wander what this is all about,so he tries to look over the fence but its to high,,,then he spots a small hole in the fence,so he puts his right eye to the hole to see what the chanting is all about,and he can see a group of people walking around in a circle holding hands and still chanting,thirteen!!thirteen!!thirteen,suddenly a finger pokes through the hole and squelches him smack in the eye,fourteen!!fourteen!!fourteen...

2006-10-19 09:26:05 · 12 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

An asylum seeker is at the side of the road eating grass.

A car stops and the driver says: "Hey, don't eat that, come home with me".

The asylum seeker says: "I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come as well? "

The driver says "f*ck off, its only a small lawn"

2006-10-19 09:26:03 · 13 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

A man&a woman were sittin beside each other in the 1st class section of an aeroplane.The woman sneezed,took a tissue, gently wiped her nose,then visibly shuddered for10-15secs.The man went back to his reading.A few minutes later the woman sneezed again,took a tissue,wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.Assuming that the woman might have a cold,the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue,wiped her nose,her body shaking even more than before.Unable to restrain his curiosity,the man turned to the woman and said,"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed 3 times,wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.Are you OK?
The woman replied," I am sorry if I disturbed you; I have a rare medical condition-whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man,more than a bit embarrassed,was still more curious than before."
He said,"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper

2006-10-19 09:24:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man sitting alone in a bar has ordered 3 drinks and has had to pay for each one as he ordered them,reminding the bartender what he was drinking each time. another man walks in, says nothing but the bartender slides a drink to him, the man slams the drink and walks out with out paying for it, the man looks at the bartender and says" hey, who is that guy ? he didn't tell you what he wanted and you let him leave without paying for it!
the bartender replied" brothers and sisters i have none, but that mans father is my fathers son"!
who is he? and how fast did you get it?

2006-10-19 09:19:16 · 17 answers · asked by dreamteam 2

steve irwin was once asked what his favourite tv program as a child was. he replied that he enjoyed thunderbirds but stingray always held a place in his heart.


a bright and flashy austrailian, the hunter was his name, and all those slimy reptiles brought him wealth and fame.
some say he was a looker, to girls he was a dish, he knew everything about crocodiles, but f**k all about fish.

apology's for these, he was a great guy,sadly missed.

2006-10-19 09:11:34 · 15 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk aroung the block?"
Her mum replies: "No, because she is on heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the little girl.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage".
The little girl goes over to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was on heat and to come and ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time around the block."
The little girl returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised Dad asked,"Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home. :)

2006-10-19 09:09:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

sue turns to jane and says " i hear that you're pregnant". " thats right, i am" says jane. " any idea who the father is ?"asks sue. jane replied, " for gods sake, thats like asking me which bean made me fart".

2006-10-19 09:01:53 · 9 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

one looks down and and sees her friends bloke coming and says," look sue, he comes your bloke and look at that huge bunch of flowers he's got for you". sue looks and says " i suppose that means i'll have my legs up in the air all weekend". " why says her friend, dont you have a vase?"

2006-10-19 08:57:05 · 8 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1