Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

2006-10-19 06:11:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mace has that effect !

2006-10-19 05:56:31 · 21 answers · asked by Bill L 5

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

2006-10-19 05:56:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's gotta be a better way to spend December.

Let's face it: once you're old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah, humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.

* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.

* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints.

* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ!

* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.

* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior".

* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was going to ask you freaks the same thing."

* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy". Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.

* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.

* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ***".

* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy".

* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers on the street.

* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook flying reindeer".

* Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something else "cooking in the oven".

* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.

* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am 'til Noon.

2006-10-19 05:52:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

2006-10-19 05:50:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "What are you thinking?
Right answer: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.
Wrong answer: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."
2. "Do you love me?"
Right answer: "Yes." or "Yes, dear."
Wrong answer: "I suppose so." or "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)
Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
Right answer: "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answer: "Not prettier, just prettier in a different way." or "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Right answer: "I would be extremely upset. And, no I wouldn't remarry."
Wrong answer: Anything else.

2006-10-19 05:48:19 · 23 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

2006-10-19 05:46:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm always in charge, I'm never in debt. I'm known as the first amongst all my kind. I'm found within cars, But never in buses. I'm not used in Mexico, I'm used in Palestine. What am I?

2006-10-19 05:44:24 · 10 answers · asked by rusman271 1

Act naturally.
Found missing.
Resident alien.
Genuine imitation.
Safe sex.
Airline food.
Good grief.
Same difference.
Almost exactly.
Sanitary landfill.

2006-10-19 05:44:21 · 10 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?

Start.


1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________

Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!

Answers: 1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.


Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress

2006-10-19 05:43:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-19 05:31:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes to the doctors.the doc checks him over and says"sorry mate,but u have,yellow 24,a nasty virus,so called as it turns your blood yellow and u have 24 hours to live. theres nothing i can do for you,just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth"so he trudges home to wifey and breaks the news.distaught she asks him to accompany her to bingo that night so he can experience her idea of night out,as he as never been before.he gets his 1st card and wins 4 corners-prize £350.and then gets a line and wins £200,he also calls for a full house and wins a grand.the national comes up and he wins a further £380.00.The bingo caller gets him on stage and says "son-i've never seen you in here before in my life,but you won 4 corners,any line.full house and the national-i've never met anyone so lucky"."LUCKY??"he screamed"lucky i'll have u know i've got yellow 24"."FUKC ME"says the bingo caller"you've won the raffle as well"

2006-10-19 05:30:33 · 22 answers · asked by paul s 1

automobiles and favorite drinks...who owns the goat? the Smiths live in the red house,the Browns own a dog, coffee is drank in the green house,the Jones drink tea,the green house is immediately to your right of the white house, the family with the Volkswagen has a cat, the family in the yellow house drive a Toyota. milk is the favorite drink of the family in the middle house, the Allens live in the first house on the left,the family who drives the Datsun live next to the family who have goldfish,the family with the Toyota live next to the family who have the horse, the family with the Ford drink Orange juice, the Franks drive a Chevrolet , the Allens live next to the blue house...who owns the goat?

2006-10-19 05:18:11 · 4 answers · asked by sunedae1 1

A joke concerning an unhappily married woman:


The woman found a frog in a trap and freed it. The frog was so grateful it told her that she could have three wishes which would come true.


The frog said, "Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you 3 wishes. But there is a condition. - whatever you wish for your husband will get, but many times more than you!"


The woman agreed without hesitation. So she closed her eyes and said: "I want to be the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world!"


"Granted!" said the frog. "And your husband will be extremely handsome and infinitely desirable to women."


"I would like to be the richest woman in the world!"


"Granted! But don't forget your husband will become by far the richest man in the world."


The woman accepted this, showing no sign of concern.


"That's two wishes - now what's the third and last?" inquired the frog.


"I'd like just a mild heart attack."

2006-10-19 05:15:24 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the funnyest dirty trick you have ever witnessed ? my mate gave his brother chocolate with a dog turd smeared on it lol

2006-10-19 05:04:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes to the doctors .he says to the doctor i have got a pain in my willy.the doctor tells him to drop his pants.there he see's a steering wheel on his willy so he says to him you have got a steering wheel on your willy.the man says i know it's driving me nuts

2006-10-19 05:02:42 · 22 answers · asked by darren v 2

John Cross was so frustrated......he failed the bar exam for 3 times...but still he did not lost hope...he take the bar exam for the 4th time....and he did it.....he jump with joy, the following morning he is sitting in his law firm that read....

JOHN CROSS
ATTY. AT LAST

2006-10-19 04:57:44 · 7 answers · asked by Adele 4

"See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta its rear."

2006-10-19 04:46:40 · 6 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

I dont know but you better find out before you comb your hair.
lol lol lol lol

2006-10-19 04:44:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-19 04:41:48 · 27 answers · asked by blissfullyhappy 1

2006-10-19 04:37:30 · 35 answers · asked by Panther 3

off the wall negitive or funny will do.
what happens when you tie your shoe strings to a dump truck when it is going 60 miles an hour?

2006-10-19 04:36:26 · 34 answers · asked by ? 4

a toadstool or a wheelchair?

2006-10-19 04:32:38 · 16 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-10-19 04:29:59 · 15 answers · asked by Vimto 2

And when did this person make it up?

2006-10-19 04:25:39 · 12 answers · asked by abluebobcat 4

2006-10-19 04:03:51 · 12 answers · asked by JinMu 2

if you had the keys to a car and outside of it was a dying person, your bestfrind who saved you life and the girl/guy of your dreams...

you can only take one person..what would you do?

first person to get it right get's ten points!

2006-10-19 04:01:27 · 20 answers · asked by Chef Shortie 4

2006-10-19 03:59:33 · 13 answers · asked by JinMu 2

why does douglas b think that he is perfect? just because some of us cant spell or get our punctuation right, why does he have to go on about literacy all the time? what do you guys think, personally i would rather not be able to spell then be him!!

2006-10-19 03:56:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-19 03:53:48 · 19 answers · asked by billybobjonesthegay 1