Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Why is a musician's bandstand like an oven?

2006-10-19 12:28:08 · 5 answers · asked by ? 4

The Judge let him off because he was
CORGI REGISTERED.............

2006-10-19 12:22:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is the joke:
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!"
And every day the atheist next door yelled back, "There is no Lord!"
One day she prayed, "Lord i'm hungry. Please send me groceries."
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.
"I told you there is no Lord," her neighbor said, jumping from behind a bush. "I bought those groceries."
"Praise the Lord," the woman said. "He not only sent me the groceries, but he made the devil pay for them."

can someone please explain it? thanks!

2006-10-19 12:14:29 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was just visiting some friends who have a working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the farmer's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen AT ONCE and ran over to begin eating.
I stood there thinking to myself......."Damn!! I hope I never get that hungry." :)

2006-10-19 12:03:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells or the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he s***s on you.

2006-10-19 11:57:12 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stopped at his favourite bar after a hard day's work, to relax.
He noticed a man next to him ordering a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the better of him. He leant over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I coundn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good, I'm heading home". :)

2006-10-19 11:52:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One thats not bad, like putting smoke bombs in school, something really funny...something that you cant really get in to much trouble for buts still awsome.

2006-10-19 11:49:14 · 14 answers · asked by Stevin F 1

2006-10-19 11:40:52 · 6 answers · asked by Jim N 1

"A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

Source: http://youth.ibn.net/humor3.asp?ID=48

Could you please share your thoughts on the joke. Love it or hate it, but please be respectful.

2006-10-19 11:37:48 · 10 answers · asked by Seeker 4

I am in charge of designing our national honor society t-shirts and i need a funny quote for it.

2006-10-19 11:31:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I always wanted 2 ask,but I really shouldn't being asking you,I feel shy,embarassed,but I want it sooooooo bad!Don't get me wrong,its just that I haven't had it for a long time.I could aleady feel it going in so hard and coming out wet.No one has to know about this.I need it.I'm desperate,but your help can be very grateful.You must think I have a lot of nerve asking you for this,but I can feel my tongue around it sucking all the juice out until there's no more left,this has been on my mind all day long and hope I'm not being foward,I'm usually not like this,but...........can I have a peice of gum?





Am I a joke,riddle or poem.

2006-10-19 11:25:02 · 9 answers · asked by heyeverybody 1

My friends are coming over and we're having a "battle" in my backyard. We shoot each other with hornets, and the like. This all takes place at 1:00 A.M. It's cold, dark, and you're tired. It's hilriously fun to see what choices you will make when you're tired. Mostly it's learning fun (you learn your limits , like don't drive when you get so sleepy, etc.) Nothing at all lethal. The home team (me) has the option of setting up booby traps and the like. I thought of setting up lots of snares and just random lines that they will trip on. It's made of fishing line. Does anybody have any good ideas for a booby trap that I could use? It could employ fishing line, or it could shoot stuff out, like rocks or dirt or something. I just have a brain block. NOTE: NONE OF THIS IS LETHAL, DON'T WORRY. IT WOULD CAUSE ANY MORE DAMAGE THAN A SMALL SCRAPE OR CUT.

2006-10-19 11:24:44 · 4 answers · asked by Brian.E 2

were talking one day,when the bear says " when i roar all the woodland animals run scared"
the lion says "thats nothing when i roar animals and humans run scared"
the chicken laughs and says"i only have to sneeze and the whole world panics"

2006-10-19 11:15:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy was selling the Big Issue. "Help the homeless, buy the Big Issue"
I went over with my quid and said"B4 I buy it can I tell you a joke"
"Ah go ed kidda I like jokes"
So I said "Knock Knock"
He says "who's there "
I said "you lying bastard you said you were homeless"

2006-10-19 11:14:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englisman, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing...
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb..... tidy yerself up a bit."

2006-10-19 11:12:05 · 20 answers · asked by untanuta 5

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, !
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention thisto him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him..they kiss..and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, (smiling)

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:(wait for it)


"Not bad - help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf"

2006-10-19 11:11:49 · 22 answers · asked by misyid 2

http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

2006-10-19 11:02:58 · 13 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?
Must be an earthquake!

2006-10-19 10:55:36 · 17 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

I need a joke that won't let me stop laughing and will threw me off my chair!!

2006-10-19 10:54:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

None, Clinton does all the screwing!

2006-10-19 10:53:57 · 12 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

2006-10-19 10:53:05 · 13 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

2006-10-19 10:50:31 · 9 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

says to 3 patients, "If you tell me where you live without stuttering I will give you a B.J."
Paddy says "I live in DDDDDDUblin" "nothing for you Paddy"
Liam says "I live in Belffffffast" " nothing for you either Liam"
Mick says "I live in London" nurse gets on her knees and fulfills her promise and when she finishes, Mick adds " dddderry"

2006-10-19 10:49:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

2006-10-19 10:46:20 · 14 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A drunk has had a few too many one night and can barely see in front of himself. He suddenly has to go to the bathroom and asks the bartender where to go. The bartender tells him it's down the hall.

Miraculously, the drunk gets there and shuts the door.

Several minutes later, there is a bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom. A minute later the drunk lets out another bloodcurdling scream.

The patrons are getting nervous so the bartender goes in to check on him. He yells through the door, "Are you all right in there?"

The drunk replies, "No! I think I'm gonna die! Every time I go to flush, something comes up, grabs my balls and squeezes the heck out of them."

Wondering what is going on, the bartender opens the door, sees the drunk and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2006-10-19 10:45:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One word answer...

2006-10-19 10:44:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ANSWERS
1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, "I could have done it better."
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn't the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb's motivation...
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Both of them.

2006-10-19 10:42:44 · 11 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Trampoline vs. Lawyer

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

2006-10-19 10:41:28 · 14 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Mike Tyson's Computer

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.

2006-10-19 10:40:42 · 7 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Yo mama's So Stupid

Yo' mama so stupid, she got scared when she was on the escalator and the power went out!

2006-10-19 10:39:57 · 13 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4