Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Guy Ritchie says " Thats the last time i give her my credit card and tell her to buy a little black number

2006-10-20 00:22:05 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

for me it was last winter i got a bucket of water and threw the water out on the road and watch a car hit a stop sign

2006-10-20 00:15:36 · 15 answers · asked by Juan C 2

The following are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters. Enjoy! Hehehe!



Attorney: Are you sexually active?


Witness: No, I just lie there.



Attorney: What is your date of birth?


Witness: July 18th.


Attorney: What year?


Witness: Every year.



Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?


Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


Attoreny: How long has he lived with you?


Witness: Forty-five years.



Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


Witness: Oral.



Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


Attorney: And why did that upset you?


Witness: My name is Susan.

2006-10-20 00:07:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjClcD_y236eVDmEObBPJHcgBgx.?qid=20061018134053AAcc2jj

2006-10-19 23:47:22 · 8 answers · asked by Clare 4

I'd love to see my PC turn into a Mac with loads of cool stuff to do.

2006-10-19 23:43:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hate it when that happens.

Why couldn't Microsoft set a more melodious sound for the error message?

=============

DHHHAAAAAAAANNN

Error

RUNTIME ERROR!
Do you wish to &%*#$@ Debug?

2006-10-19 23:26:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

that someone is trying to steal ur Pacifier???
i need some quick evil ideas!!

2006-10-19 23:17:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

to wear a diaper when i am out of my house?? oh i hate them.....what should i do??

2006-10-19 23:15:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

what they do is drop their purse so you help them,then they ask for a lift home,they get in your car and start kissing each other in the back,getting steamy,then one girl climbs into the front seat and starts giving oral to you,then they steal your wallet so be warned.........i had my wallet stolen monday tuesday and twice wednesday!!!!!!boom boom

2006-10-19 23:04:06 · 9 answers · asked by indiechic77 3

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF
A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT
IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY
VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD
(DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
{I absolutely LOVE that one!}

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE
THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER
FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

2006-10-19 22:48:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

u to enter but not to go in!! plz tell me

2006-10-19 22:45:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a nun gets in a taxi and 5 mins into the journey the driver says "i have always wanted a bj from a nun"the nun replies "if your single and catholic then i will do it for you"the driver cant believe his luck and tells the nun that he is single and catholic,once the nun has finished the taxi driver breaks down and starts crying "please forgive me sister but i have lied i am in fact married and a christian" "its ok" replied the nun "im kevin and im on my way to a fancy dress party"

2006-10-19 22:25:45 · 10 answers · asked by thedarkmasteruk 2

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

2006-10-19 22:22:20 · 20 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

a slipper or a monkeyboy?

2006-10-19 22:10:19 · 12 answers · asked by markhatter 6

In a cafe, Steven Spielberg was having coffee when he was apporched by a Chinese man,
C.Man: wow, I'M A HUGE FAN can i please have your autograph.. SP get up slaps him across the face and sits back down.
CM: what was that for,
SP: U blew up Pearl Habour, u killed our men!
"that was the japenese" im chinese!!" screemed the chinese man,
SP: Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese - all the same to me.

After a short pause, the chineese man, slaps Steven!
Shock as he was, shouted WHAT WAS THAT FOR.
CM replied U sank the Titanic, my fore father were in it. oh.. im miss them dearly.
"!that was an iceberg"!!! replied Steven!!
CM: Spielberg, iceberg, Humberg all the same to me



Do have a better joke?!

2006-10-19 22:07:11 · 26 answers · asked by Janey 3

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.



Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

2006-10-19 22:04:19 · 10 answers · asked by Electric 7

Pokemon.

Good morning to you all.

2006-10-19 21:47:15 · 21 answers · asked by The Stig 5

come on - you know you want to get the 10 points!

2006-10-19 21:46:32 · 12 answers · asked by Michael E 4

u are a bus driver.On a typical day - Picked up 10 people from the first stop, no people got on on stop 2 & 3. On the forth stop 2 people got off, and 4 got on. On the 5th stop 2 on and 4 off, and so on. On the last stop there were 8 people left in the bus. How old is the Bus driver?

2006-10-19 21:38:07 · 32 answers · asked by Janey 3

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

2006-10-19 21:32:34 · 10 answers · asked by Electric 7

A woman puts in the ads, “Looking for a man that will not hit me, leave me, and is a great lover.” Two weeks later her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair, with no arms and legs.
Lady: Can I help you?
Man: I’m answering the ad in the newspaper. Are you the woman that’s looking for a lover?
Lady: Yes, but I want a man who will not hit me.
Man: I have no arms so I will never hit you.
Lady: But I need a man who will not leave me.
Man: As you can see I have no legs so I will never leave you.
(lady didn’t know what to do, but remembered the last question)
Lady: Well, I need a great lover…
Man: How do you think I rang the door bell???

No folks he used his nose, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU ALL THINK.

2006-10-19 21:31:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This will keep you busy for a while, trying to outsmart your foot, but you can't.
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction. . . . . . and there's nothing you can do about it!
xxxxxx
Try this - it really works!!!
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, You're smiling already!

2006-10-19 20:59:54 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-10-19 20:58:45 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get It started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.........."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2006-10-19 20:48:50 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

That means no
Cell Phone
No PDA's
Lap Tops
No home computers
No DVDS
No walk mans
NO TV
And hold your breath on this one..NO ANSWERS

STARTING FRIDAY To SUNDAY at say 7pm................

2006-10-19 20:43:53 · 11 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

2006-10-19 20:42:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, little Johnny comes home from school and can hear his mom moaning. He creeps by the door and could see her mom playing with herself saying, "I need a man, I need a man!" The next day, little Johnny comes home and finds her mom in the room with a man. To his surprise, he runs to his room, starts playing with himself and says, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

2006-10-19 20:39:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-19 20:22:10 · 22 answers · asked by mikey31 2

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroomdoor, she heard
> >>>>>a strangebuzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
> >>>>>observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a
> >>>>>vibrator.
> >>>>>Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The
>
> >>>>>daughter replied,"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
> >>>>>this thing is about as close
> >>>>>I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me
> >>>>>alone."
> >>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>>>The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
> >>>>>the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the
> >>>>>room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her
> >>>>>vibrator. When he questioned her as to what she was doing, the
> >>>>>daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
> >>>>>this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! so
> >>>>>Please, go away and leave me
>alone."
> >>>>>
> >>>>>A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
> >>>>>placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now
> >>>>>familiar buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family
> >>>>>room. She cautiously entered that area and observed her husband
> >>>>>sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next
> >>>>>to him buzzing like crazy.
> >>>>>The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
> >>>>>replied,
> >>>>>"I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

2006-10-19 20:16:30 · 28 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

2006-10-19 20:13:39 · 28 answers · asked by ztt_66 2