Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man goes out golfing. He is on the 2nd hole & notices a frog sitting next him. Hes about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit 9 Iron."The man looks around & see no-one. Again he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog & decides to prove it wrong so he puts the club away & grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it into the cup. Hes shocked. He says "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man takes the frog w/ him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in 1. The man is speechless. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life & asks "OK where to next?"The frog croaks "Ribbit LasVegas.They go 2 Vegas & the guy says "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulett" The man says "Ok.What do I bet?"The frog says, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." The man figures what the heck. Boom! He wins a ton of $.The man then gets the best room in the hotel....

2006-10-19 08:53:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm having a bad day!

2006-10-19 08:42:45 · 43 answers · asked by Janey 3

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
By... David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no
introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something
that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is
unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your
nuts.

2006-10-19 08:42:02 · 20 answers · asked by slvrZ28grl 3

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Windsor to Branson.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee (wig) I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..."

2006-10-19 08:36:41 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

2 biscuits walking down the road 1 said"i have not seen you round here before where do you live" the other one says " im not teling you because youll come round and steal my washing".

2006-10-19 08:31:23 · 32 answers · asked by tonywatty 1

A Cuban family in Miami was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! and there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the Fu*king Cuban"!

2006-10-19 08:27:17 · 3 answers · asked by Pd 6

_ A _ I _ _ _ / _ A _ _ O _

hint: music related to christ.

2006-10-19 08:26:50 · 5 answers · asked by blueblast66 1

2 piles of sick walking down the road they were passing a curry shop 1 pile started crying the other one said,"why are you crying". he said "i cant help it, i was brought up round here".

2006-10-19 08:09:47 · 23 answers · asked by tonywatty 1

Think of 3 people and decide whether you would marry them, sleep with them or put them out of their misery... What are the best groups of 3 people can come up with?

2006-10-19 08:02:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three possible answers.

2006-10-19 08:01:29 · 38 answers · asked by leo509 3

why dose a mouse when it spins?

2006-10-19 07:55:55 · 20 answers · asked by tonywatty 1

he holds it up and says to his wife "this frog gives the best head i`ve ever had"
"what do you want me to do about it?"asks the wife
"teach it to cook,then fcuk off!!!"he says. haha.xx

2006-10-19 07:52:36 · 23 answers · asked by nicola 3

England was once an Earldom run by Earls, then a Kingdom run by Kings, now it's just a country, run by?

2006-10-19 07:39:58 · 14 answers · asked by bean 6

She wanted to buy her a new vibrator, so the assistant in the shop said have a look around and tell me wich one you fancy, 5 mins later she said to the assistant il have the tatran one with the white top, the assistant said you cant have that its my flask

2006-10-19 07:39:43 · 19 answers · asked by Rock 2

the other week we were in assembly and our deputy head was on about humour and how its good to have a sence of humour he goes on about stand up comidiens and says im not a comedian so this assembly will be purely theoreticle i bust out laughing and so did my best mate no one else gets why thats funny are we just weird?
thanks xxxx

2006-10-19 07:36:56 · 29 answers · asked by bitter sweet 2

pushing my luck

2006-10-19 07:29:51 · 17 answers · asked by ladybird 3

Once uon a time, the womenfolk of the world wondered why should they alone undergo labour pain and their husbands go scot-free! Hence they appealed to god that only the husbands should get the pain. Of course, the women were agreeable to bear children. It is only the question of who should suffer the labour pain. God advised the ladies to weigh the pros and cons of such a request and come back to him. But the women were adamant and pressurised god to agree. Reluctantly, god decreed: "Henceforth, woman will bear child and the child's father will undergo labour pain at the time of the woman delivering the baby".

After a few days, an industrialist's wife was to deliver. At that moment the industrialist's driver started screaming out of labour pain!

The next day, all the womenfolk went back to god and pleaded for reverting his order!

2006-10-19 07:26:02 · 20 answers · asked by Hobby 5

It's easy enough to be pleasant,
When the world rolls along like a song ,
But a man is worthwhile,
If he can just smile ,
When everythings going f***ing wrong !
Adolf Hitler 1945.

2006-10-19 07:22:15 · 8 answers · asked by stephensgaz 2

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

2006-10-19 07:09:19 · 13 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
“Well, he replies, “I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1,you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”

“OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

The cab driver replies, "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

2006-10-19 07:03:23 · 15 answers · asked by Lindsey H 4

Two pieces of sick were walking up a road when one of them suddenly burst into tears.
Whats the matter, said his sicky friend?
Cry baby sick replies - I've missed this place, I was brought up round here...

2006-10-19 06:52:56 · 38 answers · asked by Ali 3

What sort of thing's do you say when your dog get's his lipstick out in front of people ?

2006-10-19 06:50:17 · 25 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

The Minister labored long and hard to deliver his Sunday sermon entitled: "Forgive Your Enemies." Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.

"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-Eight." She replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches."

2006-10-19 06:49:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the funniest adult joke you have ever heard. Nothing corny either!!!

2006-10-19 06:46:20 · 7 answers · asked by natalieagonzales 2

Ms Beatrice the church organist, was in her 80's & had never been married. She was sweet & kind. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she invited him to have a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

2006-10-19 06:42:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anton M 2

It has jokes about cats, singers, farts, also karaoke singing, the name is _____________rat.com
Thanks, I just "found" it today, and then I lost it. shucks...It was really really cute! Borderline distasteful....

2006-10-19 06:27:08 · 3 answers · asked by YorkiePup 1

i need a size and a location where i could find darts for my gun.

2006-10-19 06:19:43 · 3 answers · asked by Vic 1

Men can't pack a bag.
Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

2006-10-19 06:17:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

2006-10-19 06:14:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee eleves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa

2006-10-19 06:13:47 · 20 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5