Can you please send me really funny jokes?

Question

I'm having a bad day!

Answer 1

bit bad joke sorry 4 it ;-

One evening, three female roommates all had separate dates, but they returned home at about the same time. The first one woman said , "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second woman said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third woman reached under her skirt, removed her panties, and threw them up against the wall. As her panties stuck to the wall, she said "Now that's what I call a good date!"

Answer 2

1. How Do You Catch A Rare Rabbit? ...Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? ...Tame Way ... Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? ...They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? ...You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?.. Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?... Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? ...A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? ...Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? ...Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? ...Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? ...Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?... Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? ...A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? ...Anyone Can Roast Beef!

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? ...Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? ...Because It Scares The Dog.

17 . What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? ...Sanka.

18 . What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? ...The Location Of The Dirt Bag. ----hey!

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? ...Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? ...A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? ...Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....

22. Why do the Eskimos Wash Their Clothes in Tide? ...Because It's Too Cold Outide

23. Where Do The Russians Keep Their Armies? ...In Their Sleevies

24. What is a Bigamist? ...A Very Foggy Day In Italy

Answer 3

A woman is playing golf when her ball goes into the wooded area. When she goes to fetch the ball she sees a frog in a trap. The frog says to her "If you free me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes". The woman agrees and frees the frog. The frog then says tho her "I firgot to mention that there is a condition to your wishes being granted; every wish I grant you, your husband will get 10 times more or better.". The woman agrees to this.

For her first wish, The woman asks to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog then says "you do realise that this will make your husband the most handsome man in the world? an adonis that women will flock to." To which the woman replies "That's ok coz i will be the prettiest lady and he will only have eyes for me" So the frog grants her wish.

Secondly, She asks to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then reminds her that this will make her husband the richest man in the world and that he will be ten times richer than her. The woman then tells him that that's alright because they share everything and that whats hers is his and whats his is hers. So the frog grants the second wish.

The frog then asks her what she would like for her third and final wish. Then the woman says "I wish for a mild heart attack"

Moral of the story: Women are really clever even though men think they're stupid.

Female readers:- The Joke is over for you. Give yourself a pat on the back and carry on feeling good about yourselves.

Male readers: scroll down

























In actual fact, the husband has a heart attack which is ten times milder.

Moral of the story: Woman are really dumb but think they're smart. Carry on letting them think this and enjoy the show.

Any females who are still reading; this again proves that women are really dumb and never listen to anything.

Answer 4

Gender Joke
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Answer 5

A woman goes to the vet with her pet duck. The vet tells her that the duck is dead . She bursts into tears and starts shouting "No no he can't be dead, he's my only companion, I want a second opinion".
The vet tells her she is wasting her time but he will get a second opinion if she insists. He goes out of the room and returns with a big black labrador. He leads the dog to the table, it puts its front paws on the edge of the table, nudges the duck a couple of times with its nose then looks up at the vet and shakes its head. The vet turns to the woman and says "I'm sorry madam but your duck is definitely dead."
The woman becomes hysterical, screaming "No not poor Quackers, he can't be dead, he can't be. I want another opinion." The vet shrugs and leaves the room with the dog. He returns with a siamese in his arms. He puts the feline on the table, it pushes the duck around with its paw, looks at the vet and shakes its head. The vet says "I'm sorry, he's definitely dead."
The woman sighs and says "Oh alright then, how much do I owe you?"
"Two thousand and ten pounds" says the vet.
"That's outrageous," says the woman, "you haven't done anything."
"I know madam," says the vet, "and if you had trusted my opinion in the first place it would only have only been ten pounds. But as it is, you have to pay extra for the lab report and the cat scan."

Answer 6

Try these:

Q) Who invented vulgar fractions?
A) Henry the 1/8(eighth).

What did the cobbler say to a persistent fly?
"Shoo!"

Teacher: "What was found in Ancient Greece, boy?"
Pupil: "Ancient fish and chips, sir!!"

What is the difference between a Kit Kat and a tart?
You get four fingers in a Kit Kat.

Q)What kind of bath is a miniature bath?
A) A cold one. One miniature in and the next miniature out!

Puns:
Conquest - prisoner's search for freedom.
Politics - parrot has swallowed a watch.
Cantata - farewell to a tin-can.
Effigy - as in ABCDE EFFIGY
Leotard - a lion who's late.

Answer 7

The pope on a tour to Africa was told by the local
priest that it was not advisable to see the children
because they have not eaten for 2 days.
What ? said the pope, "No toys for them".
I hope this will put a smile on your face otherwise
no more jokes.

Answer 8

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 9

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 10

A man enter into a shop and tell the keeper:
-Sorry , would you have a look on my watch ? I think its broken.
The guy reply:
-Sorry mate i only do circumscision here
-Really??? But why do you have clocks in you window display ?
-What do you want me to put there???

Answer 11

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."