Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.
Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.
They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking fue!

2006-10-18 19:48:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doberman.

2006-10-18 19:44:40 · 9 answers · asked by donamarie_1 3

2006-10-18 19:41:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man was on his death bed, and he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

2006-10-18 19:39:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.

A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."

He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "Can you dance?"

"No"

"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospectors feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a loud click.

He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mules a-s-s?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

2006-10-18 19:35:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just found out I failed a Chem exam and need to be cheered up, any good jokes or anything funny, I'm desperate.

2006-10-18 19:33:44 · 13 answers · asked by Myra G 5

What goes tick-tock , bow wow, tick tock, bow wow...?

2006-10-18 19:33:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why do baseball players have so much money?
A: Because a good batter alway make good dough!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

How are playing cards like wolves?

Good luck! :)

2006-10-18 19:31:03 · 5 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I've changed my avatar for Halloween. Now I look absolutely "scaggy". Is there anyway for you folks to see the whole panoramic view?

2006-10-18 19:14:03 · 3 answers · asked by Oenophile... (Lynn) 5

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion to add more warning labels to their products.

Just as the warnings on cigarette packs "rotate" through a variety of cautions, alcohol products will also get one of the following warning notices:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your a-s-s kicked.

2006-10-18 19:05:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 18:55:25 · 4 answers · asked by John Scary 5

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

2006-10-18 18:50:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three huge, leather-suited men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-*** naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused -- he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

Then the drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good. In fact, she's the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies turn to him to see what he's going to do now, but the biker still says nothing.

Still not getting a rise out of the biker, the drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker's buddies are about to get up and pound the drunk with or without the victim of this tirade but he holds them back.

He finally stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "You're drunk, Grandpa! Go home!"

2006-10-18 18:49:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

At the beginning of the sermon he put four worms into four separate jars.

The first worm was put Into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put Into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

2006-10-18 18:40:18 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

2006-10-18 18:37:36 · 19 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

at a bar in new york,a man said to the bartender,"johnnie walker,single." his friend said,"jack daniels ,single."the bartender walked over to ah beng and asked," and you sir?""tan ah beng, married lah!"

2006-10-18 18:31:39 · 13 answers · asked by ATAE 0 1

Wishing well:-
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
****
For ladies:- How to stop your husband staying late out side.

first women: How did u get your husband from stayin out late ?
Second women: Everytime he came home i woud say "is dat u Jim" ?
First women: And how did dat help?
Second women: my husbandz name is Tom !!!

2006-10-18 18:05:06 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

well i was thinking of stuffing a rag in her tailpipe because i heard it would make the car not start...then someone told me it could make her car blow up or something? now i'm not too sure, wanted to know if anybody else knows if this would work, if its dangerous, and whats the best way to make it work? thanks for your help =)

2006-10-18 18:02:48 · 5 answers · asked by ۝۩Ҝдяї۩۝ 2

Attorney: What gear were you in at the point of impact. Wittness: Gucci,Sweats,and Nikes Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken. Wittness:Can you repeat the question. Attorney:Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it untill the next morning. Doctor:did you actually pass the bar exam. Attorney:doctor how may autopsys have you performed on dead people. Doctor:all of my autopsy's are performed on dead people. Attorney:So the date of conception(of the baby) was Aug 11th. Wittness:Yes Attorney: What were you doing at that time. Wittness. Uh- - - - - -

2006-10-18 17:12:27 · 5 answers · asked by glasgow girl 6

can u guys list some historical people that helped or community like rosa parks and abraham licoln.... person that lists the most people get the points



thanks

2006-10-18 17:05:06 · 3 answers · asked by Smile =]™ 4

" Guyyyy "

2006-10-18 16:56:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

" Yy "

2006-10-18 16:44:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who ever guesses correctly first will get best answer. If no one guesses, I'll edit my question with the answer. Good Luck!!

2006-10-18 16:34:59 · 9 answers · asked by Sierra S 2

1.what do you get when you cross a motorcycle with a joke book?

2006-10-18 16:09:21 · 11 answers · asked by Kendall :] 2

A women is pregnant with triplets her husband get mad because she doesnt want to get an abortion and shoots her in the stomach three time. this causes her to go into labor and all three kids came out wiht no apparent problem. there was two girls and a boy. 16 years later one of the girls goes to her mom and says''mom! i just pissed out a bullet''. so mom tells her about waht happened 16 years ago. A couple hours later the other girl goes to her mom and says,''mom! i just pissed out a bullet''. so the mom tells her what happened 16 years ago. a little while later the boy comes to his mom and sha says''let me guess you pissed out a bullet?'' he says'' no i was jacking off and i shot the dog''

2006-10-18 16:04:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I scream and boo berry pie!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-18 16:01:48 · 21 answers · asked by jeff g 4

post em

2006-10-18 15:54:44 · 9 answers · asked by phillyfan11 1

A hillbilly from the mountains goes to the big city and decides to get a hotel room.

As he signs for the room, he puts an "X" in the blank for his name.

He starts to wak away. But before he leaves the lobby he goes back and puts a circle around the "X".

The desk clerk says, "I've seen plenty of folk from the mountains come down and sign with an "X". Why did you put a circle around it?"

The hillbilly answers, "You know, being in the big city and all. You can't be too safe. So I decided not to use my real name."

2006-10-18 15:52:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know that I need to figure out some sort of code but have no idea where to start. Can anyone give me a shove in the right direction? Maybe even a spoiler?

2006-10-18 15:44:58 · 2 answers · asked by anghe11ic 2

3

2006-10-18 15:31:55 · 41 answers · asked by harrypotterschick07 2