Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Like, yo mamma so fat when you pet her she bleed bacon gease!
yo mamma so poor when people brake inher house they leave her money!
yo mamma teeth so yellow when she drink water it turn into lemonade!

2006-10-18 12:55:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three baloons. Father baloon, Mother baloon, and baby baloon. One day they moved into a 3bedroom house, and for the first time ever baby baloon had his own bedroom.but that night a big storm aroseand baby baloon was so frightened that he ran to his parents bedroom and tried to get into bed with them. he tried hard, but he couldn't squezze between them, so he let a bit of air out of mummy baloon, but still couldn't get in.he then let some air out of daddy baloon, but still couldn't get in. he then let some air out of himself, and managed to at last, get in between them.InAt breakest, daddy baloon said , " now you have your own room baby baloon, you must be brave in a storm and stay in your own bed. because if you don't, your letting your mother down, your letting your father down, and worst of all, your letting yourself down. ...........The end..

2006-10-18 12:42:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda runs into a bar goes and eats the bar nuts pulls out a gun fires thre shots into the air and is starting to leave, but then the bartender says what the hell was that all about. The panda throws the bartender s badly puncuated dictionary and he flips through the dictionary till he gets to panda. He gets to Panda and it reads as follows.

PANDA: Eats shoots and leaves

2006-10-18 12:30:15 · 15 answers · asked by green_ballin_23 3

A duck goes into a bar and asks the landlord''have you got any bread?The landlord answers ''no we dont sell bread this is a pub''.The duck says ''have you got any bread''? The landlord says ''I told you we are a pub, we sell beer whats wrong with you''? The duck says ''have you got any bread''?The landlord says ''if you dont stop this I will nail your beak to the f''king bar''.The duck says ''have you got any nails''? the landlord says ''no I havent''.The duck says''have you got any bread''?!!!!!!!

2006-10-18 12:25:07 · 16 answers · asked by green_ballin_23 3

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's>Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up and sees hisclothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at ! Him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging onthe corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

2006-10-18 12:14:19 · 39 answers · asked by L!LO 4

okay, so there's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead that are hiking in the woods. the blonde needs to go to the bathroom and asks "well where am i supposed to go, its all disgusting!" The brunette and the redhead tell her she's gonna have to go by a tree, so the blonde puts down her stuff and walks off to far away tree. while she's gone, the brunette and redhead find a dead rabbit on the ground and decide it would be funny to skin it, and lay its guts all over the ground where the blonde was, so that she'd scream when she was done.

after they place the guts right behind the blonde, they sneak off behind a bush to wait until she screams. They waited for 40 whole minutes before she came back and when she did they said, "where were you???!!"

the blonde goes, "OMG! i pooped so hard, i pooped out my guts, but thanks to these 2 fingers and gods help, i got them back in safely!"

1 to10???

2006-10-18 12:13:02 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The position of the dirt bag !

2006-10-18 11:58:25 · 15 answers · asked by Bill L 5

TWO WOMEN ON THEIR WAY BACK FROM A NIGHT OUT STOP IN A GRAVEYARD FOR A PISS ONE WIPES HER FANNY WITH HER KNICKERS AND THE OTHER WITH A WREATH.THE TWO HUSBANDS WERE IN THE PUB THE NEXT DAY AND THE FIRST MAN SAYS "I BETTER WATCH MY WIFE SHE CAME HOME WITH NO KNICKERS"THE OTHER MAN SAYS"THAT'S FUKC ALL ,MINE HAD A CARD WEDGED IN HER **** SAYING WILL NEVER FORGET YOU FROM ALL THE BOYS AT THE FIRE STATION" MARKS OUT OF 10

2006-10-18 11:50:40 · 20 answers · asked by sweatymotto 1

"I'M BAFFLED BY YOUR ORANGE PENIS"THE DOCTOR TOLD HIS PATIENT."DOES ANYONE ELSE IN YOUR FAMILY HAVE THIS CONDITION?"THE CONCERNED FELLOW SAID NO."DO YOU HANDLE ANY CHEMICALS AT WORK?"I DON'T WORK?WELL WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?SAID THE DOCTOR"WATCH PORN AND EAT WOTSITS!!!!! MARKS OUT OF TEN.

2006-10-18 11:42:06 · 21 answers · asked by sweatymotto 1

2006-10-18 11:41:05 · 3 answers · asked by i_luv_dogs! 2

A MAN HAS TO SHOW HIS GREY CHEST HAIR TO PROVE HE CAN GET HIS PENSION.HIS WIFE SAID YOU SHOULD HAVE SHOWN THEM YOUR C**K AND WE COULD HAVE GOT DISABILITY TOO!!!! MARKS OUT OF TEN PLEASE.

2006-10-18 11:35:50 · 30 answers · asked by sweatymotto 1

A TYPICAL MAN married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding he laid down the following rules....
"I'll be home when I want....if I want....and when I want....and I don't expect any hassel from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.....I'll go huntin, fishin, golfin, boozin and card playing when I want, with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. These are my rules - any comment???"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me....Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night - whether you're here or not!".

2006-10-18 11:29:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a little bird was flying in a feild on a cold day the bird was cold and unhappy. When a big cow shat on the bird making him very happy because he was warm so the bird started to sing. Then a big cat walked in the field herd the bird singing ran up and bit his head off
The morral to the story is that not every time you get s**t on it is a bad thing and if your happy don,t shout about it to much because some one might bite your head off

2006-10-18 11:26:06 · 11 answers · asked by catherine_brly 3

the man and wife joke:

the man didnt want his wife to know he went to pub so wen he dropped the snails that was his solution he made out that he had walked the snails back to his house

if still dont get it then there is no hope!!

2006-10-18 11:25:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this couple who had been married for 50yrs.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married 50yrs."
"Yeah" she replied, "Just think, 50yrs ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds 50yrs ago."
"Well," Granny sniggered, "What do you say.....should we get naked?"
So the two of them stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50yrs ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised" replies Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!!!"

2006-10-18 11:24:12 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 11:20:56 · 19 answers · asked by mini_elliso 1

Aa
Bb
Cc
Dd
Ee
Ff
Gg
Hh
Ii
Jj
Kk
Ll
Mm
Nn
0o
Pp
Qq
Rr
Ss
Tt
Uu
Vv
Ww
Xx
Yy
Zz

2006-10-18 11:19:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

They used to use them to take down small game and I believe even kangaroos. It consisted of 3 round weights (balls, stones) and string connecting them. They were tossed to either choke the prey or wind around their legs to prevent them from moving. What are these things called and can anyone give some sites about them (maybe Wikipedia?) Thanks in advance.

2006-10-18 11:04:28 · 7 answers · asked by Brian.E 2

a man and wife were sitting watching t.v when the husband says"I fancy a bag of peanuts so i might go the shop and get some" the wife says"oh no u wont i know u and u will go the pub on the way back" the man promises not to go pub and makes his way to shop. he is about to walk past pub but suddenly finds himself inside thinking one drink wont hurt. he purchses a bag of snails whilst in there. 4 hrs later he makes way home.as soon as he reaches his pathway he trips and drops all the snails his wife hears him and opens door at this point the man is saying"now come lads we are nearly there" and tutts to his wife

2006-10-18 11:04:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

2006-10-18 11:01:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a very idiotic man who wanteed to own his own buisness. His dad was rich so he bought him a buisness. the idiotic man put on a suit and went into his new office that had just been built. There was a phone on the desk that didnt work. The idiotic man sat there very proud of his new buisness. Then, someone knocked at the door.

To seem smart and very talented at his new job, the idiotic man picked up the phone and pretened he was on a very important phone call as he motioned the man to come into his office. After a while he hung up and looked liked he had just closed a big deal. He asked the man who he was and the man said, "Hi, my name is Joe and I have come to activate the phone lines."

2006-10-18 10:54:46 · 15 answers · asked by Drew 4

Or just "Auntie" Christ - a notorious drag queen who lives in these parts.

2006-10-18 10:49:42 · 20 answers · asked by ? 3

Juan On Juan

2006-10-18 10:43:33 · 18 answers · asked by Bill L 5

2006-10-18 10:32:20 · 6 answers · asked by nightcrawls 2

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I your thinking.Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, its very hard, and its got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cried. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" he said with a smile.

2006-10-18 10:27:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts
are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.


How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man!

2006-10-18 10:17:20 · 6 answers · asked by L!LO 4

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. it's important to have a woman who makes you
laugh

3. it's important to have a woman who you can
trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. it's important to have a woman who is good in
bed and who likes to be with you

5. it's very very important that these 4 WOMEN
don't know each other....


My husband responded to this:

"This is very funny. But I think I am one of the lucky ones. My woman is all 4 wrapped into one and then some, if you know what I mean."- My husband....=)

....

2006-10-18 10:16:06 · 9 answers · asked by L!LO 4

Insurance? If you know you are going use it they will not sell it to you and if you know you will not use it then you won't buy it.

2006-10-18 10:09:22 · 14 answers · asked by barrettins 3

two dozen people wracking brains solving EIGHT riddles and she spikes the question. GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-18 10:04:54 · 12 answers · asked by wild_eep 6

when his hand caught fire

2006-10-18 09:56:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous