Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Hey i'm knew to these so you may have heard it before xxx sorry if you have x

It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What am I ?

2006-10-18 04:13:22 · 23 answers · asked by bubble 2

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself

2006-10-18 04:03:37 · 9 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4

Things that mke you go Hmmmmmmmm!!!!!

2006-10-18 03:49:15 · 10 answers · asked by jezzabelley 1

why does'nt santa have any children?????????

2006-10-18 03:38:49 · 41 answers · asked by hineycone1987 2

help me i need to find the funniest short joke, like a 2 liner. best one wins.

good luck

2006-10-18 03:29:06 · 14 answers · asked by jonny Atlantis 2

2006-10-18 03:27:00 · 29 answers · asked by ashika 1

Who's There?

2006-10-18 03:11:28 · 22 answers · asked by Bear 5

10. End comes when monster slips and falls while running with a pair of scissors

9. It includes the line, "Oh no! He's heading straight for Poughkeepsie!"

8. Plot weakness covered up by the monster's rap performances

7. In close-ups, you can see the word "Mattel" on monster's foot

6. The "monster" appears whenever Bob Dole takes his Viagra

5. Forget breathing fire -- the giant monkey has garlic breath

4. Includes the dialogue, "Walk for your lives!"

3. The monster leaves cotton stuffing in its path

2. You can frequently see the puppeteers in the monster's ***

1. His foot is the size of a human foot

Y'all like this?

2006-10-18 03:01:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A EF H I K...............................................?
BCD G J....................................................?

2006-10-18 02:55:46 · 10 answers · asked by pasky 2

2006-10-18 02:55:09 · 57 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

2006-10-18 02:52:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Right. This may be my last attempt to stump you all. If ANYONE gets this I'll just resort to telling bad jokes. (That's not a threat.)

Colonel Cabbage woke one morning, and upon going into his washroom took one look in the morror and realised he had a black-eye. After leaving the washroom, instead of investigating as to how this had happened, he resorted to putting cling-film over his next-in-command's toilet seat. EXPLAIN.

2006-10-18 02:33:50 · 7 answers · asked by Kaej 1

A woman lives on the 28th floor of a block of flats. Every morning when she goes to work she takes the lift down to the ground floor.
Every evening when she comes back home again she only takes the lift to the 18th floor. She then walks the rest of the way up the stairs. She is not a 'keep fit fanatic', so why do you suppose whe does this?

2006-10-18 02:21:02 · 37 answers · asked by Kaej 1

under both arms??????????....a playboy.....hahahahahahaha...


what do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

a peice of as.s that brings tears to your eyes

2006-10-18 02:05:10 · 14 answers · asked by stone cold 4

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead and asked that what hole he was playing. She replied,"I'm on the 7th, and you're a hole behind me so you must be on the 6th"
He thanked her and went back. On the back nine, the same thing happened & he asked the lady again. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, means u r on 13th."
He thanked her. After finishing he went to the clubhouse and saw the same lady sitting there. He went to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for your help."
He started a conversation and he asked her what kind of work she do. She said she was in sales, and he said he is in sales too. He asked what she sells. She replied, "If I tell, you will laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said. She said,"I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said,"See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I' sell toilet paper, so I'm STILL 1hole behind you

2006-10-18 01:41:59 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

the immigration officer said to mujibar"u have passed all the tests except one,unless u pass it,u cannot enter" mujibar says"i'm ready" the officer says"make a sentence using the words green pink and yellow",mujibar thought for a few minutes and said"mr officer i am ready" the offcer says"go ahead" mujibar replies" the telephone goes green green green green,i pink it up and say yellow this is mujibar"
mujibar now works at british airways,perhaps you have spoken to him!

2006-10-18 01:40:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wittiest answer will get best answer.

2006-10-18 01:35:25 · 13 answers · asked by thukon 3

why??

2006-10-18 01:32:51 · 12 answers · asked by !~bela 2

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

2006-10-18 01:31:09 · 11 answers · asked by anitha 4

POOR LITTLE KYLIE TRIPS AND HER HEAD GOES THROUGH SOME RAILINGS. ROBBIE PULLS DOWN HER PANTS AND GIVES IT TO HER FROM BEHIND. WHEN HE FINISHED HE SAYS TO ELTON GO ON MATE ITs YOUR TURN NOW. ELTON STARTS TO CRY! WHATS UP ASKS ROBBIE? I CANT GET MY HEAD THROUGH THE RAILINGS SAY ELTON!!

2006-10-18 01:20:15 · 7 answers · asked by jean t 2

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

2006-10-18 01:19:24 · 15 answers · asked by anitha 4

The ------- surgeon was ------- to operate because he had -------

7 letters in the same sequence make it all work, what are they?

2006-10-18 01:15:04 · 9 answers · asked by halloweenpumpkinuk 4

2006-10-18 01:09:13 · 27 answers · asked by chrisbluetaz 1

As the aircraft levelled out the Captain's reassuring voice gave the usual ... we are flying at 300000ft, the weather is fine, etc, etc. Much to the horror of the cabin staff, he forgot to switch off the microphone when he had finished and the whole aircraft heard him say to his co-pilot "OK, now the plane is on autopilot, I need one of the girls to give me a cup of coffee and and nice b**w j*b". The chief stewardess looked horrified and dashed towards the flight deck to tell the Captain of his error. As she passed the Business Class seats, one of the passengers was heard to call out "Hey Miss, don't forget the coffee"

2006-10-18 01:04:25 · 10 answers · asked by MCP 3

2006-10-18 01:02:11 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 packets of crisps walking down the street in the rain. suddenly a car pulls up and the driver ask,s would u like a lift?no ta were walkers they replied. marks out of 10 please

2006-10-18 01:00:19 · 37 answers · asked by sweatymotto 1

Random Dirty Joke

>> Dirty Joke #2 - Australian virgin...


... A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

2006-10-18 00:58:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

and did you know after reading this 5 out of 6 people try?
and did you know 1 out of 10 who tried it got caught and got given a funny luckof somebody

2006-10-18 00:53:27 · 10 answers · asked by karen h 1

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two ... went right to it and made love to his date ... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall ... Feeling sprightly, he went again ... and once again at the completion of the act ... marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag ... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing ... fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window ... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time ... and marked another "l" on the wall ... Just at that time ... His friend enters ... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:

"DAMN - a hundred and eleven ... beat me by three ..."

2006-10-18 00:39:00 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

What is it that u possess but others use it more than u do?
answer it and say how was it????

2006-10-18 00:21:44 · 12 answers · asked by anitha 4