Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-18 07:01:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just ate one of those fun size 100 grand candybars and it states on the wrapper, 30% fat free. I decided to eat another one and that one also stated 30% fat. Does that mean they are 60% fat free? If so, I think I will eat another at 30% fat free and make my total count 90% fat free. What do you think?

2006-10-18 07:01:11 · 11 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

There are these two twin old men that go into the same bar everyday. The bartender at the bar hates one of the twins, but the only way he could tell the difference between the one he hates and the one he likes is because the one that he hates drinks very slow, but the one that he likes drinks fast. So one day the bartender decides to kill the one that he hates. So when they came in that day he put the same amount of the drink in their cups, the same amount of ice, and the same amount of poison. When they are both done with their drinks the one that the bartender hates dies, but the one he likes lives. How is this??

2006-10-18 06:59:50 · 22 answers · asked by rusman271 1

One evening, three female roommates all had separate dates, but they returned home at about the same time. The first one woman said , "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second woman said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third woman reached under her skirt, removed her panties, and threw them up against the wall. As her panties stuck to the wall, she said "Now that's what I call a good date!"

2006-10-18 06:54:07 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''

The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''

2006-10-18 06:40:53 · 15 answers · asked by ms01 4

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

2006-10-18 06:34:57 · 15 answers · asked by mjkinoh 3

2006-10-18 06:32:14 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

The one Judd Nelson was saying to himself while he was climbing throught the rafters.

2006-10-18 06:26:46 · 9 answers · asked by ts 4

2006-10-18 06:26:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

to go to the local whore house and learn.
On the way he is passing his grandmas house and is aksed what he is doing. Well he is an honest kid so he tells her.....
She offers to teach him for only half the price.
Later that night he goes home wiht lots of junk food and his dad asks where he got the money for it.
He explains that on his way grandma taught him for 50 so he had 50 left over.
The father says, what you've been f*cking my mother
The son says, hell yeah you've been f*cking mine

2006-10-18 06:23:34 · 12 answers · asked by jonmarbles 3

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh*it instead."

2006-10-18 06:19:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 06:10:44 · 14 answers · asked by Bruza 17/uk 3

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a Cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims,
"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a Gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

2006-10-18 06:05:39 · 8 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

. If they have a survey, answer "56" to every question. EVERY question.




2. If they ask for a certain person say "THEY MOVED TO NEPTUNE!"




3. If they want a money donation say "Yes, I'd LOVE to give you a hundred gazzillion dollars... but I don't have any money!"




4. Pretend to be "a little slow" (answer "huh?" or "I don't get it" to everything).




5. If all else fails, simply say "I DON'T LIKE YOU" and hang up.

2006-10-18 05:32:04 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the headless horseman's favorite drink to order at a bar?
Answer: A beer with a head on it!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-18 05:29:04 · 8 answers · asked by jeff g 4

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

2006-10-18 05:26:59 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

2006-10-18 05:20:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

2006-10-18 05:17:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 05:00:55 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

2006-10-18 04:48:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 04:45:43 · 8 answers · asked by Randy S 2

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for his home. She read ...

"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly

..."I think the man would have said - "Well, f * ck me!! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

2006-10-18 04:45:39 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are galloping along on a horse...there is a sharp drop on one side of you. An elephant on the other side going the same speed as your horse. There is a kangaroo hopping in front of you that you can't overcome, and behind you is a tiger running the same speed as the kangaroo-how do you escape???

2006-10-18 04:45:26 · 11 answers · asked by angiebaby 2

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

2006-10-18 04:44:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLAYING WOM!!

C'MON YOU KNOW IT'S WORTH SOME POINTS!

2006-10-18 04:33:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 04:31:24 · 14 answers · asked by Dont call me retarded 1

Overheard in a bar:

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

2006-10-18 04:24:41 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

2006-10-18 04:24:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

2006-10-18 04:20:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent so many nights just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong and I knew that I could take you on. ..
But there you are, another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a french fry.
I should have known it was so small, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking for me in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't notice it pop out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

Chorus:
I will survive,
I will survi-ive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey, hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a d**k that small I was treating diaper rash!
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winkie thing at me.
Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no little worm, I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a d**k as small as yours,

Is to stick it with a tooth pick And then call it an hors d'oeuvre!
Chorus:
I will survive,
I will survi-ive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey, hey!

Go on now go, Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance, Cuz I know it's length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin' at my door,
You'll be counting your 4 inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now Go!

2006-10-18 04:16:34 · 9 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4