Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up with both arms and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

2006-10-18 00:13:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and can't get out.

He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but can't find him.

The chicken takes the keys to the farmer's mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.

A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.

He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead.

The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.

The moral to the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, then you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks!

2006-10-17 23:54:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you raelzie taht you are raeidng seomhting taht deosnt mkae snese but you can sitll udnretsand it? its because you brain can unscramble words as long as the first and last letter are in the same place... carzy huh? god is good

2006-10-17 23:52:16 · 6 answers · asked by ♪♫stephanie♫♪ 2

The buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't buy it, what is it?

2006-10-17 23:47:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am endless but have a border
i contain everything and nothing
i have always been here and can never go away
i started from nothing and will end with nothing
i am full of warmth and light yet dark and cold
what am i?

2006-10-17 23:43:41 · 16 answers · asked by binary 2

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

2006-10-17 23:42:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest, a rabbi, and a ministrer walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

2006-10-17 23:34:54 · 14 answers · asked by FireKracker187 2

What is it that women always say they don't want it but once they tried it they just couldn't stay away from it.

2006-10-17 23:13:24 · 22 answers · asked by vishaldsh 2

a blonde and a brunette are walking out of a hnadbag shop, the brunette looks accross the street and see's her boy friend coming out of a flower shop. She says to her friend,, oh no, my boyfriend bought me flowers again. The blonde say ,, what, you don't like flowers,, brunette, no, no, it's juat that every time my boyfriend buys me flowers I feel guilty and i spend 3 days with my legs in the air. The Blonde says,, What,, you don't have a vase?

2006-10-17 23:12:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

In this game 1st we think of a person in our mind n thn draw sum small vertical lines each beside the other rapidly on a paper WITHOUT counting them(take this as 1st group) and then draw it 2 more times each group below the previous group(totally 3 times).After this we cancel every 3 lines and then we'l b left with either 0 or 1 or 2 lines.we take the leftover numbers as a code( eg- the 1st group left no lines so we take as 0,2nd group left 2 lines and the 3rd one left no lines so 0 so we get the code-- 020). Now we hav a list containin of such codes and their related answer which is related 2 the person we thought about.(eg- 020-this person loves u more than anyone else) We make this list on our own but i jus came to know that ther is an original list which applies to everyone and has accurate answers.So does anyone know the name of this name or has the original list??plzzz do help.

2006-10-17 23:07:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u tell mi smth similar?

2006-10-17 23:01:38 · 16 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

obr djogyrf ,u gomhrtd pmr pbrt gtp, yj rjp,r lrud///og upi vsm trsf yjod. smdert ejp yjr gotdy [trdofrmy pg yjr imoyrf dysyrd esd/

2006-10-17 22:52:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wonders if having sex on Sunday is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion. The priest says, after consulting the Bible," My son, I am positive; sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
Un-satisfied he goes to a minister...a married man & experienced He queries the minister and receives the same reply..."Sex is work and not for the Sunday!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi!
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

2006-10-17 21:33:27 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

Billy walks into school very late one day and the teacher asks why are you so late billy? Billy responds my dad got burnt. Teacher says I'm sorry to hear that, I hope it isn't serious? Billy replys, well they don't make mistakes at the crematorium.

2006-10-17 21:27:31 · 24 answers · asked by sam h 1

2006-10-17 21:24:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

2006-10-17 21:04:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a competion at work and need the best joke ever. Anyone know any great funny ones?

2006-10-17 20:11:40 · 23 answers · asked by daka 2

What happened, I turned left like Mr.C said to and now my GPS wont work either...I don't know where the heck I am do you know?

2006-10-17 19:43:23 · 12 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2006-10-17 19:38:47 · 17 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's ***," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ***, would you?" The trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies.

2006-10-17 19:37:56 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Las time, we saw this following riddle:

What is the real reason that hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why do baseball players have so much money?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-17 19:32:26 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

What can bring back the dead; make us cry, make us laugh, make us young; born in an instant yet lasts a life time?

2006-10-17 19:30:47 · 33 answers · asked by slider 1

2006-10-17 18:49:57 · 9 answers · asked by Andrea 1

after I remove the sheets and squirt baby oil all over the mattress? Headboard accidents are not a pretty site.

2006-10-17 18:49:13 · 3 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

TENJEWBERRYMUDS
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2006.
_____________________________...
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

2006-10-17 18:27:02 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Failure to select correct domain names may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies:-
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their website www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com

2006-10-17 18:25:38 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

There called, "Stay Free Mini Pads".

2006-10-17 18:12:12 · 10 answers · asked by The professor 4

It was the talk of the town when an 85 year old man married an 18 year old girl. After a year, she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man replied, " You've got to keep that old motor running". The following year, she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running." She gave birth to a third child the following year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one is black."

2006-10-17 18:11:26 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And if you
are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep
trying at least a few more times to see if you can
outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw a counter-clockwise circle in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so. And, there's nothing you can do about it!

Go ahead KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT !
Have a great day!

2006-10-17 17:52:30 · 22 answers · asked by hott.dawg™ 6

3 men are sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean. They have 4 cigerettes but no matches. How do they mange to smoke?

2006-10-17 17:47:53 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4