Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A woman is about to jump off Runcorn bridge when a sailor stops her and says"Dont jump if you like i can stow you on my ship to USA" the woman agrees. 2 wks later the captain finds her and wants to know what she is doing aboard his ship. The woman says"I was about to jump when a kind sailor saved me and stowed me on board this ship.He brings me food and drinks everyday in return for a (f)uck every night". The captain starts to laugh then says"oh your getting (f)ucked alright this is the mersey ferry".

2006-10-18 09:40:53 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

2006-10-18 09:34:54 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.
"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trent toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the poles."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only proffession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."

2006-10-18 09:30:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...

2006-10-18 09:24:56 · 24 answers · asked by Drew 4

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security. She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'
He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'
So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.' '
Well, how did you do that?' she asks.
He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'
The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'

2006-10-18 09:19:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

2006-10-18 09:18:06 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father and his son got into an accident while travelling on the highway. The father died on the spot, the boy was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. When the doctor saw the boy the doctor cried out "oh my god this is my son". who is the doctor????

2006-10-18 09:16:59 · 24 answers · asked by anything goes 2

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

2006-10-18 09:15:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died,
Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but
within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20
million dollars." The woman went home with Robert.
Four days later she became his stepmother.
Moral: Men will never learn

2006-10-18 09:05:08 · 15 answers · asked by Fangs_4u 2

1. 5 people going down a road. It starts raining heavily. 4 of them are soaked thorugh, the other is completely dry.....how.......?

2. 1 day a man, came home, turned the light off, went to bed, woke in the morning looked out the window and cried.....why.....?

1st to answer both correctly gets the points !!!!

2006-10-18 09:00:27 · 29 answers · asked by louise198504@btinternet.com 2

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

6. When he says no, cry.

7. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

8. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

9. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

10. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

11. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

12. Ask if he watches Cops

13. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that?

14. Tell him you like men in uniform.

15.. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

2006-10-18 08:51:40 · 21 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

The ghetto man walks into the restaurant and sits down to order his food. After receiving his food the waiter says, "would you like some bread to go with that?"
The ghetto man says, "heck yeah I need about 10 g's!!!"

2006-10-18 08:50:53 · 13 answers · asked by reidamberniece 1

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!



Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."



When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed a

2006-10-18 08:47:45 · 11 answers · asked by Fangs_4u 2

My Mrs Kicked me out so i went to my mam and dads house, my mam was up and she said to me im in the middle of decorating the spare room go up stairs and jump in bed with your dad and il sleep on the sofa so up i went, I was sleeping for a while when my dad woke me up and said son ive got a massive hard in my hand for the first time in 20 years im going to give your mam the best roding of her life, I said dad il have to come with you, he said why son , I said dad you have got hold of my ****......

2006-10-18 08:41:15 · 12 answers · asked by Rock 2

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

2006-10-18 08:40:35 · 15 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

2006-10-18 08:39:41 · 26 answers · asked by jezzabelley 1

A Mexican in a bar drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.? He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

>>> God Bless America!

2006-10-18 08:39:31 · 7 answers · asked by Fangs_4u 2

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure at work, earwax build up, poor blood pressure or anything else I could think of......

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. That leaves 48 million to do the work, of which there are 29 million employed by the federal government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. There are 2.8 million in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin Laden. That leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14.4 million people who work for the state and city governments. That leaves us 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. That leaves 1,212,000 to do the work. Now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves 2 people - You and me and there you are, sitting on your butt at your computer, reading jokes ----

Nice --- Real Nice!!!!!!

2006-10-18 08:39:21 · 4 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

2006-10-18 08:37:32 · 14 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

This guy visits doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her wife comes and doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'
"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what.'
"Back home again I take the cab and I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what.'
'So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

2006-10-18 08:35:26 · 20 answers · asked by Pd 6

give some of their jokes or punchlines

2006-10-18 08:16:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anton M 2

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

2006-10-18 08:15:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-18 08:12:47 · 7 answers · asked by KILLA 1

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead."
The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn't an offence, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend.
By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."

A woman walks into the bedroom and says to her husband, "Honey, I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world!"
Replies the husband, "Really! Where are you going?"



A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman -
'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies
'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies -
'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my azz!'

2006-10-18 08:11:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can someone tell me some REALLY FUNNY jokes or riddles? My sisters and I have compititions to see who is funnier and I need some help.

2006-10-18 07:53:51 · 3 answers · asked by Chaos 1

there was this boy walking through the forest. he saw 3 birds in a tree. he shot one. how many were left?

2006-10-18 07:52:38 · 31 answers · asked by ziggysbabe5780 2

Police are looking into it

2006-10-18 07:43:27 · 24 answers · asked by Bill L 5

GHOTI

2006-10-18 07:15:01 · 36 answers · asked by JonZ 1

Post something that will make me laugh out loud when I read it.

2006-10-18 07:05:59 · 9 answers · asked by Pale 3

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."


Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.


The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.


She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."


Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.


His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant immediately wrote a check.

2006-10-18 07:03:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous