I need VERY GOOD and FUNNY jokes and riddles?

Question

Can someone tell me some REALLY FUNNY jokes or riddles? My sisters and I have compititions to see who is funnier and I need some help.

Answer 1

Here's One..........

Bite my Eye

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man removes his glass eye, puts the eye in his mouth, and bites it.

"Thats not fair," says the bartender., "How was I to know you had a glass eye?"

"Very well, then, Ill bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."

The reluctant bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

By now, the bartender is really pissed off. He hands the man his money and walks away.

The man sits down at a table and starts drinking beer after beer. Some ten beers later, the man gets up and starts talking to another patron.

Sometime later, the man says to the bartender, "You know, I wasnt to fair to you earlier, so Ill give you a chance to win your money back. Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on a barstool 5 feet from the bar and piss into a shot glass without getting any on your bar."

The bartender thinks about the bet to ensure there are no catches, and then reluctantly agrees to take the bet.

The man pulls the barstool to within 5 feet of the bar, exposes his member, and begins urinating right into the shot glass.

To the bartenders delight, though, the man loses his footing, causing him to urinate all over the bar. The bartender laughs at the man. He starts wiping up the mess from the bar, and says, "I knew you couldnt do it!"

The man reaches into his pocket and pays the bartender $500, then says to the bartender, "Fair is fair. But, you know, I bet the man down at the end of the bar $1,000 that I would stand on a barstool, piss all over your bar, and that you would laugh and clean it up."

Answer 2

Two guys went into a men's room to relieve themselves. When finished at the urinal, one goes to the sink to wash, and notices the other is heading for the door. The one at the sink says, "I don't know what kind of mother raised you, but mine always taught me to wash up after using the facilities." While leaving, the other one answered, "My mother just taught me never to pee on my hands in the first place."

Answer 3

Baby harbor seal walks into a club.