Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

2006-10-17 13:52:54 · 18 answers · asked by Drew 4

A man took a vacation. When he arrived he checked in a hotel. Someone who was hiding in his room hit him in the head and knocked him delirious then left. When he came to, he went to bathroom to wash the blood off. As the blood ran down the sink he remembered he was south of the equator. What made him remember? (hint- he didn't ask any one)

2006-10-17 13:37:18 · 19 answers · asked by miss tique 3

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. A man comes up to him and asks him "Doesnt that bother you?" the pirate stops and says "ARGH. IT DRIVES ME NUTS!

2006-10-17 13:29:36 · 21 answers · asked by misterbunnyfritz 1

a little 5 year old starting up at school one day,she comes home from her first day and says mummy mummy,little joey who lives down the street,his willy reminds me of a peanut,oh really says mum you mean its small,,no she says,salty,,,

2006-10-17 13:09:47 · 12 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

Dear Mary,
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas
I was gong to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of christmas but we have a little problem up here. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD's from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing; the 11 lords a leaping have knocked up the 8 maids of milking; the 9 pipers playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a swimming
Even worce! the 6 geese a laying 4 calling birds, 3 french hens 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree have me up to my *** in bird crap
On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through the menopause; 8 of my reindeer are in the heat the elves have joined the gay liberation movement and those dumb-*** liberals have
made President Bush Gay......

2006-10-17 13:01:57 · 17 answers · asked by ? 2

A man was looking for a health club to join. He came across an Ad with the highlighted word "Very Special". He called and found out the membership fee is higher than usually, but the sales convince him thats worth it. So he gave it a try away.
On the first day, he tried everything in the club, but didn't find anything special about it. He took a shower and was ready to cancel the membership, but he discovered a small hole in the showerroom, right below the waist. Curious, he stick his unit into the hole, and he experienced the greatest pleasure he ever had. "So thats the special part of this club", he thinks. He use the hole for next 2 weeks and was very satisfied. But one day, the hole doesn't work anymore, so he ask an employee there, "how come this thing is not working?" The employee said, "hold on, let me check". And he looked into the schedule book, and tell the man, "I see, today is your turn to go behind that wall"

2006-10-17 12:38:13 · 10 answers · asked by w 2

the man takes his dog to the vet and asks the vet dr can you tell me what is wrong with my dog. the vet looks at the dog and saids i am sorry sir your dog is dead. the man could not believe it and saids i want another opinion. so the vet brings in a black lab puts him on the examining table and he sniffs up and down the other dog looks at the vet and barks. the vet saids i am sorry sir but the dog has spoken your dog is dead. the man saids no i want another opinion. so the vet brings in a cat and the cat sniffs up and down the dogs body and saids i am sorry sir but the cat has spoken your dog is dead. so the man decides to expect the fact his dog is dead. then he gets his bill and the amoubt is $650. so the man saids to the vet dr i am wondering why is my bill $650, i thought you only charge $50 for an exam what is the other $600 for? and the vet replies $300 fot the lab test and $300 for the cat scan. ha ha.

2006-10-17 12:37:55 · 15 answers · asked by kandykane_1977 1

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure when a young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vital stats by worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close llook and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

2006-10-17 12:32:08 · 27 answers · asked by Fangs_4u 2

captin highliner and little billy were out to sea captin hiliner saids to little billy rrrrr billy ever been to sea billy? no captin hiliner i never been to sea. captin hiliner and little billy were getting ready for bed and captin saids to little billy rrrr billy ever seen an old man naked? little billy saids no captin hiliner i never seen and old man naked. so captin hiliner gets up and turns off the lights and saids to little billy rrr billy now i'm going to stick this fish stick in you bellybutton. little billy replies but captin hiliner that is not my bellybutton, captin hiliner saids rrr and thats no fish stick eather,.

2006-10-17 12:23:37 · 10 answers · asked by kandykane_1977 1

Jerry Seinfeld excluded of course?

2006-10-17 12:19:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

new york times
the world will end

osservatore romano
world ends again

london times
queen is afraid she'll see diana again after world's end

el pais (madrid)
if there's government in the afterlife, we're against it

lisbon diary
read tomorrow how the world ended today

trinity news
christ returns today

cnn
pentagon announces end of the world

los angeles post
end of world causes mass riots

national geographic
know how the end of the world works (with 3d image details)

enquirer
psychopath kills mother, slashes father, rapes sister, and shoots brother when he finds out world is about to end.

martha stewart living
tips on how to make your end of the world more festive

wall street journal
interests finally fall!

sports illustrated
yankees assure they'll get end of world title

people magazine
exclusive. interview with god (why it took so long for the apocalipse/ specialists show us how to deal with end of world)

"o"
end of world...and?!?

2006-10-17 12:19:40 · 8 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

This man was sitting in a hospital waiting for his wife to be checked up. He had to use a rest room but the mens' room was occupied. A nurse seeing the man in his discomfort told him to follow her.

"Dont touch any buttons on the wall."
He agreed.
As he sat there on the toilet, he saw three buttons. "The nurse won't know if I push them." he said.

He pushed one that said WW and some warm water sprayed his butt. Next he pushed one marked PP and a powder puff dried his butt.

"These are great. We dont have these in the mens room."
Then he pushed a button marked ATR and passed out.

When he awoke, he was lying in a hospital bed and wondered what happened.

He explained that he pushed the three buttons but when he pushed ATR, he passed out.

The nurse said, "ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under the pillow."

2006-10-17 12:06:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."

"No ****?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

2006-10-17 12:03:55 · 12 answers · asked by Fangs_4u 2

Here's the riddle. I really need to know the answer before tomorrow (Oct. 18). Here it is: I am eight letters long: '12345678'. (Each number represents a letter in the word.) My 1234 is an atmospheric condition. My 34567 supports a plant. My 4567 is to appropriate. My 45 is a friendly thank-you. My 678 is a name. Anyone got any ideas about what the word could be?

2006-10-17 11:40:22 · 9 answers · asked by asu_lady_indians_fan 3

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper. "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
ear piece

2006-10-17 11:35:14 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrell it will make the barrell lighter?

2006-10-17 11:30:49 · 20 answers · asked by Johnny Afman 5

he saw a little girl walking in his direction. he quickly covered his private parts with a newspaper that he was reading. the girls walks up to him and asks: "what do you have under there?" and the man responds: "oh, nothing. it's just a birdie." the girl walks on and the man falls asleep. as he wakes up, he finds himself on a hospital bed in great pain. the police wanted to know what had happened and the guy answers: " i duno. i was laying on the beach when this girl walks up to me and starts asking me about my privates... next thing i know i woke up here". the police goes to the beach and finds the girl playing. the officers ask the girl: "what have you done to the man that was naked?" after a short pause, the girl responds: "to the man? nothing. i was playing with the birdie, but it spit on me. so, i twisted its neck, smashed its two eggs and torched its nest!"

2006-10-17 11:24:03 · 21 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

2006-10-17 10:48:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W

Just do it. Its funny. My best friend sent it to me.

Push the button that says stomp.

2006-10-17 10:41:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING
TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

2006-10-17 10:34:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

describe it to me

2006-10-17 10:33:25 · 13 answers · asked by mr_dynasty 1

two dauters & two mothers were fishing.they managed to cathc,one big fish,one small fish,one fat fish.how can it be possible that they each took home a fish.

2006-10-17 10:14:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Texan couple went2Florida for a holiday,planning2stay at same hotel where they spent their honeymoon20yrsearlier.Because of hectic schedules,it was difficult to co-ordinate travel schedules so husband left Texas,flew to Florida/Thurs.His wife was flying next day.Husband checked in2hotel.-there was a computer in his room so he decided2send an email2his wife.However,he accidentally left out1letter in her email address&without realising his error,sent the emal.Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.The widow decided2check her emails expecting messages from friends&relatives.After reading the 1st message she screamed&fainted.Her son rushed into the room&saw the email which read
To:My Loving Wife.
Subject:I've arrived.
"Know you're surprised2hear from me-they have computers here-I've just arrived&checked in&Isee that everything is ready for your arrival2moro.Hope your journey is as uneventual as mine was" PS.Sure is freekin hot down here

2006-10-17 10:11:58 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

2006-10-17 09:56:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for the really stupid, yet funny jokes that little kids love and repeat for days after hearing them. Example: "Why was the refrigerator embarrassed? Becasue he saw the salad dressing! " (hahaha)
Keep it short and keep it clean... If you have any good ones, leave 'em here.

2006-10-17 09:48:03 · 21 answers · asked by Shy_Shy 1

4friends hadn't seen each other in 30 years&were talkin about their kids.
1st Man-"My son is my pride&joy-studied Economics&Business admin&works for a successful Company&is now president of that Co.SO rich he gave his best friend,a top of the range Merc.for his b'day".
2ndGuy-"Darn that's terrific! My son became a pilot& is now a partner in the Co.where he owns the majority of assets.SO rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his b'day".
3rd guy "Well that's terrific!My son became an engineer,started his own construction Co&is now a multimillionaire!Gave his best friend a 30,000sq.ft Mansion.The 3congratulated each other&asked the 4th guy what his son was...
"My son is gay and makes a living as a stripper".
3rd man said "What a shame&a disappointment!"
4th man replied "NOT AT ALL! He's my son &I love him&he hasn't done too bad either.His b'day was a few weeks ago&he rec'd a beautiful 30,000sq.ft Mansion,a brand new jet&a top of the range Mercedes from his 3boyfriends!!"

2006-10-17 09:47:28 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

2006-10-17 09:40:44 · 6 answers · asked by stigma138 3

Go to the following web address:

http://www.simeonmagic.com/triangle/triangle1.htm

Look at the two triangles in the chart. How can you use the same peices in both triangles and get different surface covering? I have even printed out the page, cut out the pieces, and rearranged them and it still does the same thing, so I know it isn't some optical illusion. WTF is going on???

2006-10-17 09:36:16 · 10 answers · asked by gangsters_life_4me 2

I am not far from the point, I don't make mistakes i fix them . What am i

2006-10-17 09:35:20 · 13 answers · asked by genisus5519 2

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
>>through to enquiries, can you help?".
>>Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
>>Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
>>Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Directory Enquiries
>>
>>Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
>>Cardiff please".
>>Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
>>correct?"
>>Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
>>the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>>Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
>>Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
>>Scotland

2006-10-17 09:03:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous