Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

2006-10-17 06:40:57 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the one polar bear say to the other polar bear when he asked him for soap? "No soap, radio!" Did you like my joke?

2006-10-17 06:40:12 · 16 answers · asked by malintzin 2

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

2006-10-17 06:37:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-17 06:35:18 · 8 answers · asked by tigrpawwz 2

It belongs to you...but it's mine...

P.S... KEEP IT CLEAN!

2006-10-17 06:29:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whojanickabollockoff.

2006-10-17 06:29:45 · 23 answers · asked by Ali 3

middle of a deserted country road. there are no streetlights to illuminate the road and there is no moonlight. a car with two broken headlights drives towards the cat but turns just in time to avoid hitting it. how could the driver have seen the cat in time?

2006-10-17 06:27:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".

2006-10-17 06:14:08 · 16 answers · asked by stigma138 3

a rabbit goes to the vets.he tells the vet he is feeling ill.the vet asked the rabbit what he had for beakfast.the rabbit replies cheese on toast.the vet asked what he had for dinner the rabbit replies egg on toast.then the vet asked what he had for tea the rabbit replies beans on toast.the vet tells the rabbit i know whats wrong with you.the rabbit says what.the vet says you got miximytoasties

2006-10-17 05:59:13 · 27 answers · asked by darren v 2

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers
from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both
the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase.
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all
the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is
asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was
too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

2006-10-17 05:58:07 · 6 answers · asked by Pd 6

There was this hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more.
Found out what was causin' it."


A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Houdini "

2006-10-17 05:45:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two
cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of win e,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired!"

2006-10-17 05:27:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-17 05:16:06 · 3 answers · asked by starr 1

2006-10-17 04:56:36 · 38 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

the skunk thunk the stump stunk the stump thunk the skunk stunk who stunk the skunk or the stump?

2006-10-17 04:55:45 · 28 answers · asked by BAMBAM1970 2

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some
course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention
to his replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with
every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my
condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began
carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."

2006-10-17 04:47:15 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

I know this is my third in a row, but I love riddles.

The maker does not need it,
the buyer does not use it,
and the user uses it without knowing.
What is it?
(Here's a clue: it ISN'T air.)

2006-10-17 04:46:29 · 10 answers · asked by Kaej 1

2006-10-17 04:44:14 · 24 answers · asked by jeffreygillespie16 1

he: haven't we met before?
she: yes, i'm the receptionist at the clinic for venereal diseases.

he: haven't we met some place before?
she: yes, that's why i don't go there anymore.

he: is this seat empty?
she: it is. and this one will be too if you seat there.

he: you wanna go to my place?
she: i don't know... is there enough room in a trash can?

he: my place or yours?
she: both. you go to your place and i go to mine.

he: i wanna call you. what's your number?
she: it's in the phone book.

he: but i don't know your name.
she: it's also in the phone book.

he: so... what do you do for a living?
she: i'm a transvestite.

he: how do you like you eggs in the morning?
she: unfertilized.

he: hey, come on... stop this. we both know that we're here in the club for the same reason.
she: yes... to pick up women.

he: if i could see you naked, i'd die happy.
she: true. but if i see you naked i'd die laughing.

2006-10-17 04:41:21 · 13 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

2006-10-17 04:41:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

2006-10-17 04:38:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If:
1 costs £1,
11 costs £2, and
111 costs £3,
then what is it that you are buying?

2006-10-17 04:36:00 · 18 answers · asked by Kaej 1

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

2006-10-17 04:32:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." (Internal Revenue Service)

2006-10-17 04:31:45 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted
to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as
the ground was hard.

His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. -
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that
garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Fred

2006-10-17 04:31:18 · 10 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

This is an inspired puzzle from something I saw on some other website.
Can you find the 'r' and 'n' amongst these 'm's?

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmrnmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2006-10-17 04:30:28 · 22 answers · asked by Kaej 1

2006-10-17 04:27:50 · 5 answers · asked by drnkhanh 2

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

2006-10-17 04:27:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first,

Start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby..

Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,

and finally. . . .

you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

2006-10-17 04:24:40 · 6 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning
heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there
by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this
morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough
with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him,
he's afraid to cough

2006-10-17 04:01:52 · 29 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5