Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I'll be back tomorrow night with more jokes....will you join me then? (\(*;*)

2006-10-16 14:14:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

slow natives,...Why did the elephant paint his balls red?,to hide in the apple tree....How did tarzan get killed???------------------------?

2006-10-16 14:11:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

2006-10-16 14:09:22 · 9 answers · asked by CollegeDropIN 2

I don't like the scary looking one's or the one's who look evil only the cute and nice one's.

2006-10-16 14:06:19 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

Now in this rhyme, you will find all the elements of a riddle.
All the clues are buried here, somewhere in the middle.
My first is in fact the last naturally to be seen.
I am in part a catalyst for refining gasoline.
My second is in party balloons they float up off the ground,
Although Noble I give your voice a tiny squeaking sound.
Equally noble is my third, I'm said to be mostly inert,
I'm used in incandescent lights so the filament won't get hurt.
My fourth is known as devilish stuff, of volcanoes I do smell.
Although no-one's been back to report, I'm supposed to stink like hell
Finally I am used to make aeroplanes you can trust.
I'm light, I'm strong, I shine like new, I never, ever rust.
Put us all together, and you get what comes before,
Practice makes us perfect, go over it once more.

Remember, I'm not only looking for a list of the elements, I am looking for the answer to the riddle.

2006-10-16 14:06:14 · 7 answers · asked by finstr_33 2

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
The homeless are invisible.
The subway makes sense.
The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
Your door has more than three locks.
You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
You complain about having to mow it.
You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
You consider Westchester "Upstate".
You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

2006-10-16 13:58:47 · 7 answers · asked by CollegeDropIN 2

Not being retarded....( I dont care who you are, That's funny)

2006-10-16 13:38:34 · 11 answers · asked by jessandduane 3

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a gre

2006-10-16 13:29:52 · 11 answers · asked by RealDeal 2

2006-10-16 13:27:13 · 3 answers · asked by Rebel 2

A mother takes her daughter into a store and says you can have any 2 toys you want. The girl says I want Barbie and GI Joe. The mother says honey Barbie comes with Ken not GI Joe. The girl says no mommy Barbie fakes it with Ken she comes with GI Joe!

2006-10-16 13:22:57 · 15 answers · asked by RealDeal 2

2006-10-16 13:16:57 · 9 answers · asked by mylady 2

poor people have it and rich people dont and if you eat it you die

2006-10-16 13:14:44 · 16 answers · asked by hiphopgrl77 2

One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah na!" The little boy get's mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike and girls can't have them!" The next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike.

2006-10-16 13:04:21 · 10 answers · asked by RealDeal 2

hey,

tell me some short story jokes. not too long. people always get bored when you start a long one. and nothing TOO nasty. just some witty stuff to make my friends laugh?

2006-10-16 12:59:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a group of medical students are assembled for there first day of class, they were all instructed to meet at the local morgue, the medical professor took them to a gurney and pulled back the sheets to reveal a corpse, he said there are 2 things that you will all need to be professional physicians, the first thing is that you shouldnt ever be scared or offended of anything that you have to do to a human body, he then proceeded to stick a finger up the anus of the corpse, the class was stunned. he then put his finger in his mouth and sucked on it. he then instructed the class that he wanted all of them to do the same thing, they were hesitant at first but eventually all agreed. he watched as they all stuck there index finger in and pulled it out and sucked on it. then he said the next thing you need to do be a professional physician is to be very observant. he said if you would have observed closer i stuck my index finger in the corpse but stuck my middle finger in my mouth.

2006-10-16 12:52:38 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were
>> > > determined
>> to
>> > > make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that
would
>> identify
>> > > them as clergy.
>> > >
>> > > As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought
some
>> > > outrageous shorts, shirts, and sandals.
>> > >
>> > > The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist
>> > > garb.
>> They
>> > > were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine,
and the
>> > > scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini
came
>> > > walking straight towards them.
>> > >
>> > > They could n't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she
smiled
>> > > and
>> said,
>> > > "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing
>> each of
>> > > them individually. Then, she passed on by.
>> > >
>> > > They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
> priests?
>> So
>> > > the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
>> outrageous
>> > > outfits These were so loud, you could hear them before you saw
them.
>> > > Once again in their new attire, they settled on the beach in
>> > > their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
>> > >
>> > > After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless wi th
just
>> > > a
>> thong
>> > > bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again,
she
>> nodded
>> > > at each of them. She said, "Good morning, Father.Good morning,
> Father,"
>> and
>> > > started to walk away.
>> > >
>> > > One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just
a
> minute
>> > > young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said.
>> > > "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the
world
>> did
>> > > you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
>> > >
>> > > "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

2006-10-16 12:45:57 · 14 answers · asked by butterfly_kisses81501 3

2006-10-16 12:31:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

are usually in a much better mood than those that have to wait for them?
Did you know birthdays are good for you? Science has PROVEN that the more you have the longer you live!

2006-10-16 12:28:28 · 16 answers · asked by helpme1 5

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 21 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs in an inning?
5. Can a California man be legally married to his widows sister?
6. Divide 30 X 1/2 and add 10. What's the answer?
7. If there are 3 apple and you take 2 away, how many do you have?
8. A Dr gives you three pills telling you to take 1 every 1/2 hr. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep standing and all but 9 drop down and die. How many are left standing?
10. How many members fo ea animal did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5ft 10 in tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

I won't give you the answers unless you get them all right. You'll have to guess.

2006-10-16 12:23:32 · 12 answers · asked by helpme1 5

A Dumb blonde is wheeled into a mortuary with a grin fron ear to ear , the pathologist say`s What happened ? The porter say`s " struck by lightening " the pathologist`s say`s " why the grin ? porter say`s , She thought she was having her picture taken .........

2006-10-16 12:09:00 · 23 answers · asked by charlotterobo 4

2006-10-16 12:07:56 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Shortie♥ 5

2006-10-16 12:01:22 · 34 answers · asked by LeviTosh 1

A research team proceeded twoards the apex of a natural geolocic proturberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurment of a smaple of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
One memeber of the team precipitoulsy decended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical strcuture; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In laymans terms, what does this translate to?
hint: a rhyme.

2006-10-16 12:00:26 · 10 answers · asked by helpme1 5

A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the B&Q grill. His wife was bending over, weeding flowers in the flower bed. So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill". She ignores his remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is still bent over, measures her rear end and gasps "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night, while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds..."If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

2006-10-16 11:54:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 11:50:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-16 11:39:03 · 7 answers · asked by jasonmorales44 1

A father and son was on their way to a camping trip when a semi truck plowed into them and killed the father but the little boy was rushed to the hospital and needed emergency surgery, and when the surgeon saw the little boy said I can't operate on him he is my son.how can this be?

2006-10-16 11:38:28 · 16 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-10-16 11:36:43 · 4 answers · asked by health 1

a chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied look on his face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over, and says " Well, I guess we finally answered that question"

Actually it was the Egg. Suprisingly new scientific studies show that a lizard laid an egg, and because it was going through evolution the egg hatched and over time a chicken was born. Interesting Huh!

2006-10-16 11:36:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guys walked in a strip bar...the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on a stripper's butt. The next guy also licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the stripper's butt. The third guy walks in, takes out a credit card and swipes it through her butt and takes the $200. :)

2006-10-16 11:33:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous