Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

It is 2 o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep in bed, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking comes from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke wanting to know if the coast was clear!".

2006-10-16 11:30:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

cant work it out for the life of me, and its getting really annoying!

2006-10-16 11:14:12 · 8 answers · asked by gees_a_pint 2

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a recept the screen says "not worth wasting paper" and ejects your card"

You try to get a balance inquiry , and the screen says "Account not found" and keeps your card

you insert your card to get out some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your card.

You withdraw some moneyto pay some bills, count it, and the screen says "what, you thought the were some extra there? Ha!" and ejects your card clear accross the room

You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take it out $50, and the screen says "not in this lifetime" then laughs as you band on the machine, trying desperately to get back the card the machine has taken

You go to the ATM, and theres a Most Wanted type pic of you with a caption that reads : wanted for trying to get water out of a dry well

2006-10-16 11:12:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dr. Zeus:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain

Martain Luther King Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without their motives called into question

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chiken crossed, and that was good enough for us.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay!isn't it obvious? cant you peoplesee the plain truth in front of your face? the chicken was going to the other side. thats why they call it the other side. yes my friends that chicken is gay, And, if you all eat chicken you will become gay too. I say boycott all chickens until we sought out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". that chicken should be free to cross the road. its as simple as that.

2006-10-16 10:41:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, 3 chinese guys go to America and don't know english. the 1st guy goes to an opera and hears the women in the opera sing "me me me me me" so the 1st guy says me me me meme. The 2nd guy goes to the market and hears a group of men saying "shotgun shotgun shotgun" so the 2nd guy said shoutgun shotgun shotgun. The 3rd 1 made a hole in 1 at the golf court and everyone said yeah woo-hoo so he said yah woohoo. The police came to them 1 day and asked who killed A very famous man. The first 1 said me me me, he police said how did u kill him, the 2nd 1 said shotgun shotgun shotgun, the police said u r all goin to jail. The 3rd one said yeah woohoo!

2006-10-16 10:25:11 · 14 answers · asked by da202101 2

my dad told me this riddle when i was younger and i thought it was a pretty good one, see if you can figure it out...

A man looks at a photo and says to him self;

''Brother's and Sisters I have none,
but this mans father, is my fathers son.''

Who Am I?

2006-10-16 10:17:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.


For more jokes, go to: www.freewebs.com/13to18

2006-10-16 10:13:29 · 17 answers · asked by Luke 1

History Lesson


Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one

history lesson people don't mind reading

2006-10-16 10:13:18 · 11 answers · asked by tearsnomore2005 2

1 day there was this indian man & an english man in prison who were very very bored and so decided they wanted to play I SPY. In the prison cell all there was around them were 4 walls, a little window, a bucket, bed and the floor. The indian man went first...

(INDIAN) i spy with my little eye, something beginning with ... C.
(ENG MAN) Ceiling!

The indian man nodded!

(ENG MAN) Ah that was too easy.

So the englishman had a go, & the indian man got it right too.

After several guesses the englishman wanted to end the game because he ran out of things to use, but the indian man wanted one more go...

(INDIAN) I spy with my little eye something beginning with ..... B.
(ENG MAN) Brown floor
(INDIAN) NO
(ENG MAN) erm....Bucket
(INDIAN) NO
(ENG MAN) erm...Bed,

1 year had passed & the englishman eventually gave up!

(ENG MAN) Ok ok i give up, you got me, what is the answer..

The indian smiled, lifted his finger and pointed to the window....

'BINDOW'

xx

2006-10-16 10:03:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

That shop never advertises themselves on tv,radio or newspaper?

2006-10-16 09:46:01 · 8 answers · asked by sanJose_Guy 4

We all know Norm Peterson on the TV series Cheers, who is played by George Wendt... I saw this "Fact" in a Issue of TV Guide about the same time the show ended.... I can't recall what TV Guides stated in the artical...I would like to know Norm's Final amout on his bar tab :) Thank You!

2006-10-16 09:43:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I stumped the first group, perhaps you will figure out the answer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were talking together after church in an empty room when two women walked in. The first man said, "Would you like to go have lunch?, my wife and daughter have just arrived." The second man said, "Sure! my wife and daughter have just arrived as well. Only two women have walked in, neither of them are pregnant, and they are of no genetic relation. Also the men are not genetically related as well.

How is this possible? There are no tricks here, there is a logical solution!

2006-10-16 09:30:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 09:30:07 · 18 answers · asked by lord_andys_new_id 1

2006-10-16 09:28:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sure you've met at least one of them.

A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without a taker. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution.. They Walk Among Us!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "the number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific", he thanked me and hung up. They Walk Among Us!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," ; she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They walk among us, AND REPRODUCE too!

2006-10-16 09:22:42 · 14 answers · asked by tearsnomore2005 2

2006-10-16 09:11:55 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 09:11:46 · 30 answers · asked by e m 1

A man, getting on in years finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He went to the doctor who tried a few things but nothings worked.
Finally, the doc referred him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man threw some white powder over him and mumbled a few magical
words, there was a huge flash with billowing blue smoke.
"This is powerful healing, and you can only use it ONCE A YEAR!!!! All you
have to do is say, " 1, 2, 3" and it shall rise for as long as you wish! And
when your partner can handle no more sex and is completely satisfied, all
she has to say is " 1, 2, 3, 4" and it will then go down - not to get hard
again for another year."
The man thanked him so much, rushed home - anxious to try out his new power,

shaved, showered and slid into bed, cuddled up to his wife and said "1, 2,
3" and suddenly he had the most gigantic stiff one ever, just as the
medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asked, "What did you say "1, 2, 3, for?"

2006-10-16 09:08:02 · 19 answers · asked by L6 3

There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on
the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at
Paul.If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging
over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

2006-10-16 09:07:29 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

another unfunny joke for you.

2006-10-16 09:00:36 · 12 answers · asked by rosiepetle96 1

I found this site that does an analysis of my personality based on first name. Its really interesting, actually. Its not vague stuff that can apply to everyone like horoscopes are. There is even a mathematical theory behind it. It was very accurate for me, so I am curious to see if it is accurate for other people too.

go to www.kabalarians.com scroll to the bottom of the page and enter your first name. then come back here and tell me if it accurately described you or not.

skeptics: TRY it before you answer, its just for fun, so no need to get your panties in a bunch

2006-10-16 08:53:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

She kept sitting on Pinnochios face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me."

Peace.

2006-10-16 08:25:08 · 17 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

2006-10-16 08:17:57 · 13 answers · asked by strange-artist 7

-both like to sniff you.
-both are totally dependent on the owner.
-both cannot express themselves in a intelligent manner.
-both will mate with anything.
-both, when hungry, act in a very wild manner.
-both are crazy for the owners legs.
-both fall head over heels for any piece of *** the see.

2006-10-16 08:10:50 · 6 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

-dogs eat chow.
-dogs, when trained, pee in the right spot. men waste their whole lives trying.
-you don't need to take dogs with you at your friends parties.
-when dogs go "out", they don't come back to your bed.
-dogs don't drool on your clean pillow.
-dogs don't snore on your ears.
-dogs don't know how to use the remote.
-dogs relish relationship.
-the dogs mother doesn't cook better than you.
-dogs don't know what cellulite is.
-dogs love to walk with you.
-dogs don't spend sunday nights watching football.
-dogs don't bite their owners.
-dogs are loyal, cuddly, friendly, and good-humored.
-dogs don't complain when you whistle to other neighbors dogs.
-dogs don't change cars every year.
-if you close the door, the dog won't come in your bedroom.
-dogs don't get excited at the simple sight of a pair of mammal glands.
-dogs bark. not curse

2006-10-16 08:06:30 · 10 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

A woman had a Parrot,This Parrot could only say,I see Pussy,I see Pussy,
That weekend the woman had a party,So she said to they Parrot ,I want you to shup up,when my guest arrive,or I will shave your head and lock you in the toilet,The first guest arrive,They parrot start saying I see pussy,I see pussy,The second guest arrive, They Parrot said I see pussy,I see pussy,So the woman take the parrot and shave her head and lock her in the toilet bowl,While they party was going on,A ball head man wanted to go to the toilet,When he lifted the toilet cover he see they Parrot and they Parrot look up at the Ball head man and said,Who pussy you see,who pussy you see.

2006-10-16 08:02:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Virgin Megastores

2006-10-16 08:00:40 · 25 answers · asked by trackz 1

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor
asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it
seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might
be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic
disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible
for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you
lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

2006-10-16 07:59:15 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.
They are talking and Bill says,'I've seen some great pics. of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!'
Hugh replies,"well Bill, you know.....ever since our incident, her price skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune."
Bill said with a chuckle," Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"
So,Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy,mumbling, "God.....now i know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies,"Thank You Bill...And now i know how you chose the name MICROSOFT."

2006-10-16 07:54:04 · 10 answers · asked by sweetangel1328 3

2006-10-16 07:52:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous