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Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

If we could eat smurfs, what would they taste like?

2006-10-15 23:14:28 · 26 answers · asked by Beth G 1

8

funny incidents

2006-10-15 22:36:54 · 13 answers · asked by priya j 1

sum funny stuffs.................

2006-10-15 22:34:59 · 18 answers · asked by priya j 1

2006-10-15 22:31:03 · 33 answers · asked by angel 4

2006-10-15 22:21:26 · 13 answers · asked by Borsha 1

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, like marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
*************
A young Mom wrote:
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my 7 year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend (since my husband had run off) I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me a lot. And, even though it sometimes doesn't start, I just give few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was happy with the explanation and walked away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery, he smiled and asked to my son, "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she's in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!

2006-10-15 22:20:14 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is
a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and...

IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp]
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat,
so I said:

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

--

2006-10-15 21:56:47 · 8 answers · asked by snafu1 2

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2006-10-15 21:27:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"My dad ran an insurance agency, but it wasn't making any money, so he burned it down" (Jerry Swallow)
"In kindergarten, i got my very own horse. Then someone shot him, so we had to break his leg." (Jerry Swallow)
"my aunt was cremated last week. My uncle suspects arson. (Jerry Swallow)
"I walked into the bank. I asked the teller if i could check my balance, he leans over and pushes me."
"My wife is a real immature woman. The other night during sex, we had a mutual orgasm, she yelled "JINX!" and punched me in the arm" (Jerry Swallow)"
"The other day i ran 5 miles. Then i stopped, and said, 'here lady. take your purse." (Emo Phillips)
"When i was a kid, i ran a lemonade stand. I charged 5 cents for the first cup, and 10 cents for the second cup. The second cup had the antedote." (Emo Philips)
"My ex-girlfriend..who shall remain nameless..if i'm ever left at her tombstone with a sandblaster..." (Emo Phillips)

2006-10-15 21:26:57 · 10 answers · asked by snafu1 2

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

2006-10-15 21:19:01 · 6 answers · asked by snafu1 2

2006-10-15 21:03:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Soon I’m going to die
But please don’t do it
I would hate for you to cry.

You are my best friend
Remember for always
Best mates until the very end

You did nothing bad
This is not your fault
Nothing to do with me being mad

I’ll cut myself with a knife
Slice up along my wrist
The end, will become of my life.

2006-10-15 20:52:27 · 4 answers · asked by Kiss_Kris_xo 2

If you put Sue and you a side, what happens?

2006-10-15 20:43:52 · 6 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

heres to the girl in the red high heeled shoes
she'll smoke all your dope and drink all your booze
she's no virgin ,but thats no sin...
shes still got the box ...her cherry came in!

2006-10-15 20:40:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

an Irishman and a Jewish guy were walking down the street in Brooklyn. A pretty lady was walking the other way, so they started to follow. The Irishman says, "wow! she's hot! maybe we could screw her!" The Jewish guy says, "Screw her outta what?"

______________________________________________

Roseanne Arnold and Tom Arnold got divorced, as everyone knows. It was some comments like Tom made from time to time that led to the end of their marriage. One night, while they were in bed, the phone rang. Tom picked up the phone, and said, "Will you call me back later? I'm in the tub."

2006-10-15 20:26:03 · 8 answers · asked by snafu1 2

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you
help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was
equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused

2006-10-15 19:35:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Name an animal that eats its relatives.
A: An ant-eater!

Heheh. And now, for today's riddle:

Why couldn't the mummy come to the phone?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-15 19:31:04 · 6 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

2006-10-15 19:01:01 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York.


After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.


When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were
available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved.

Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager.

"But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

2006-10-15 18:30:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you are probably not aware that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day,

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.

2006-10-15 18:25:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

15

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And you will be weak for days

2006-10-15 18:21:52 · 17 answers · asked by Smart Kat 7

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

2006-10-15 18:05:26 · 10 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

2006-10-15 17:53:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

when Hillary explained to Bill that harrass is one word.

2006-10-15 17:44:37 · 5 answers · asked by barrettins 3

it's so cold 'I took a leak & had to break it off & throw it down, break it off & throw down.

2006-10-15 17:43:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 17:33:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three friends named Fool,Nobody and No-one went fishing.But something goes wrong.
Fool go to the policeman:
Mister policeman "Nobody" is drowning and "No-one" is helping.
Policeman: Are you a fool?
Fool: yes, nice to meet you!

2006-10-15 17:16:27 · 12 answers · asked by GUAPOMOZZ 3

I know a guy who was so dumb he thought necromania was the capital of an Eastern European Country

2006-10-15 17:13:51 · 9 answers · asked by barrettins 3

I know a guy who was so dumb he thought Asphalt was a rectal desease

2006-10-15 17:12:07 · 8 answers · asked by barrettins 3

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