Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I know a guy who was so dumb.....he thought asteroids and hemorhoids were the same thing.

2006-10-15 17:10:39 · 3 answers · asked by barrettins 3

2006-10-15 16:56:32 · 18 answers · asked by Smart Kat 7

Can anyone give me a good hint on how to solve this riddle? Spoilers are welcome. Thanks.

http://weffriddles.com/listen.html

2006-10-15 16:46:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

After having dozens of medical tests, the doctor tells Joe, "I'm so sorry, but, you only have 6 hours left to live". "SIX HOURS?!?", Joe wails, breaking down. When he finally composes himself, he goes home to break the terrible news to his wife. She, of course, collapses from the devasting news. They cry together....finally realizing that their time is ticking away. "What should we do?", she asks him. "I know - let's go and make the best love we have ever made in our entire marriage!", Joe suggests, and so, they proceed to do so. Exhausted, they fall asleep in each other's arms...Joe wakes up, and, realizing that time is ever shorter, starts to nibble on his wife's ear, and nuzzle her neck, hoping to arouse her for another go-round. She pushes him away. Shocked, he asks her, "How could you push me away at a time like this?!" She replies,

"I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

2006-10-15 16:39:46 · 7 answers · asked by happy heathen 4

2006-10-15 16:37:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. let it down slowly

2. rat poison only kills rats

3. I’ll get your toast out

4. its strong enough for the both of us

5. this doesn’t taste right

6. I can make this light before it changes

7. nice doggie

8. I can do that with my eyes closed

9. I’ve done this before

10. well we've made it this far

11. that’s odd

12. okay this is the last time

13. with those guns, those guys couldn’t hit the side of a...

14. don’t be so superstitious

15. now watch this

16. this planet as an atmosphere just like on earth

17. what duck?

2006-10-15 15:48:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS! AND THE ANSWER IS NOT A TIGER!
http://www.microprizes.com/mp13.htm

2006-10-15 15:46:59 · 8 answers · asked by Coltsgal 5

tell me.

1)What is your nicname?
2)Why was it given to you?
3)Who gave it to you?

2006-10-15 15:46:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men meet in a bar. A man stumbles up
to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes
the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from
Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in
Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from
Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I
graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I
went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62,
too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars
and sits down at the bar. "What's been going
on?" he asks the

2006-10-15 15:45:25 · 11 answers · asked by stanger 1

2006-10-15 15:44:14 · 19 answers · asked by alex e 1

1+1=?
thats the question,it's not 2 for your sake.

2006-10-15 15:29:39 · 16 answers · asked by stanger 1

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her friend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

2006-10-15 15:24:20 · 9 answers · asked by stanger 1

My wife says I look like a bear. What animal do you think I look like? Humor welcomed...

2006-10-15 15:12:41 · 19 answers · asked by The ~Muffin~ Man 6

2006-10-15 15:10:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nicki accompanied her husband to the doctors office. after the check up the doctor took Nicki aside and said, 'you husband is suffering from severe long term stress and its affecting his health. if you don’t do the following four things, your husband will surely die. first, each morning, fix him a tasty breakfast and send him off to work happy. second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and give him a whole lot of kisses before he goes back to work. third, after dimmer, give him a massage and make sure you don’t nag him about anything. fourth, and most important for relieving tress, have sex with him every day in whatever position he fancies.' on the way home in the car, 'so , I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. what did he tell you?'
'you’re going to die,' she replied

2006-10-15 15:08:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The night shift at the waffle house!!

2006-10-15 15:06:44 · 12 answers · asked by SmartyPants 5

2006-10-15 15:01:45 · 11 answers · asked by Rebel 2

IT JUST DOES, OK!?!?!?!

Tee hee.

2006-10-15 15:01:13 · 7 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

MILKSHAKE
get it?

2006-10-15 14:55:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day a simple lad visits a brothel and knocks on the door and says to the madam opening it, 'I want a woman!' the madam looks at him and says, you want a woman, huh? have you don this before?' the madam asks, doubtful. 'no.' the madam laughs and says, 'I’ll tell you what, you go and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you’re doing, you come back and see me.' so the lad goes out and finds a knothole. two weeks later he goes back to the brothel and says to the madam, 'I want a woman. I know how to do it now!' so the madam sends him off with one of her girls
when they get to the room the lad tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. when she does he takes out a length of wood and smacks her on the butt. 'what the hell did you do that for?' she exclaims. the lad replies, 'checking for bees.'

2006-10-15 14:46:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Got some time to kill? This is a brainteaser to see who can create a logical sentence using every letter of the alphabet....10 points to the first correct answer! RULE: No run-on sentences...has to make sense! Have fun! (^_^)

2006-10-15 14:36:50 · 14 answers · asked by Erica R 3

He grabbed me by my slender neck,i could not call or scream,he took me to his dingy room where we could not be seen. his feverish lips he pressed to mine i could not make him stop,i could not call or fight or scream, he drained my every drop, he made me what i am today,that's why you find me here? What am I?

2006-10-15 14:36:47 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

policemen had been working for months on a murder case and had just been given a valuable lead. the suspect was knows in the criminal world as Alan shagbreak. sheriff Wagner drove around to the suspects place of employment and said to the woman at reception, 'have you got a shagbreak here?'
she scoffed, 'you have got to be kidding. the boss is so cheap we don’t even get a coffee break.'

2006-10-15 14:26:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a bar ( a saloon actually) (it's the old western). He asks for a glass of water the bartender takes out a gun and points it at the guy, the guy says thank you and walks away.....what hapened?

2006-10-15 14:10:33 · 6 answers · asked by littleash1227 2

a client calls his lawyer's firm and says:
- i'd like to speak to dr. robert, please.
the secretary, very sad, informs him:
- i'm sorry. it's not going to be possible. dr. robert has died.
the client hangs up and ten minutes later, makes another call and asks the same question:
- i'd like to speak to dr. robert, please.
the secretary informs once again:
- i'm sorry, sir. it's not going to be possible. dr. robert has died!
shortly after, the same client calls back and asks:
- i'd like to speak to dr. robert, please.
the secretary, irritated, says:
- listen buddy! you called three times already and i already told you that your lawyer, dr. robert, has died. why do you keep calling?
- ah! - says the client. - it's just that is feels so good to hear that...

2006-10-15 14:05:16 · 17 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

a woman is in the hospital, about to give birth to her first child. she gives a big gasp, and suddenly the baby’s head appears. the baby turns to the first man he sees and says, 'are you my father?' the man replies that he is the doctor, and that the father had not made it to the hospital yet. so the baby says, 'well, I’m not coming out until my father shows up. tap three times on my mother’s stomach when he arrives and then I’ll come out,' with that he returns to his mothers womb. the father arrives an hour later. the doctor duly taps on the mothers stomach three times and down comes the baby. he looks around, sees his father and calls him over. with his little finger he pokes the fathers nose, eye, and ear. while the father is wincing he says, 'so now you know how it feels. not very nice, is it?’

2006-10-15 14:01:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

We all know Norm Peterson on the TV series Cheers, who is played by George Wendt... I saw this "Fact" in a Issue of TV Guide about the same time the show ended.... I can't recall what TV Guides stated in the artical....Please help me...

"What was Norm's final beer tab total?"

2006-10-15 13:57:39 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

We all know Norm Peterson on the TV series Cheers, who is played by George Wendt... I saw this "Fact" in a Issue of TV Guide about the same time the show ended.... I can't recall what TV Guides stated the final tab amount....Please help me...

"What was Norm's final beer tab total?"

2006-10-15 13:56:03 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

he decides that he wants to get rid of it. so he picks up the cat and takes him to about four blocks away from home. he drops him there and goes back home. once he gets there, he notices that the cat in standing at the front porche. confused, he picks up the cat and takes him to the outskirts of the city. once he drops the cat, the man rushes back home. to his desmay, the cat is back at the doorsteps. the man is furious now. he picks up the cat, stuffs him in a plastic bag, ties it, takes him to about four miles away from his house, throws the bag out of the window and rushes to a payphone. he dials home and asks his wife: "is that cat in the house by any chance?" the wife replies: "why, yes he is." the man goes: "then put that s.o.b. on the line 'cause i'm lost!"

2006-10-15 13:45:00 · 13 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her friend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

2006-10-15 13:44:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous