Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

a weary traveler stopped at a motel in the middle of the night, only to be told that there were no rooms available. 'you’ve got to have something,' pleaded the traveler. 'even a spare bed somewhere will do.'
the motel manager thought for a moment, then said, 'well, we do have one spare bed, but its in a room with a really loud snorer. this guy snores so loudly that everyone has been complaining about him. you probably wont get any sleep if you share a room with him,'
'I don’t care-I’ll take it!' said the traveler with relief. the next morning he went down to breakfast bright eyed and refreshed. 'so the snorer wasn’t a problem for you then?' asked the motel manager, surprised
'nup. as we were going to bed, I bent over him, kissed him and said, 'good night. gorgeous" and he stayed awake all night watching me!'

2006-10-15 13:44:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just started a job along with this girl whos name tag says Bonnie but she goes by Bon usually... Its not her real name. Her real name i believe is of Dutch origin. Her and her grandma have the same name but she goes by the second 1/2 of the name.
Normally i wouldnt care im not some sort of nosey freak but she kinda challenged me.... apperently no one can guess and people have been trying for years!! So i have to know!! ...This so totally reminds me of Rumpestiltskin. Bon + grandmas name = ???

2006-10-15 13:35:59 · 11 answers · asked by Shelli Bean 2

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

2006-10-15 13:27:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

whose in old times would always walk about three feet behind their husbands, were now walking a full five feet ahead of them. curious, she imagines that such change of customs would mean a big victory for feminine rights and aproached one afghani woman for an interview:
- this is fantastic! what has happenened here to end that old stupid custom of walking behind your husbands and now allowed the women to walk highly on front of them?
the afghani woman responds:
- landmines.

2006-10-15 13:22:01 · 7 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

Anyone know any?

Hairy Dick
Ben Dover
Mike Hunt
Dick hurtz
Hairy Snatch

2006-10-15 13:18:05 · 24 answers · asked by snafu1 2

2006-10-15 13:15:43 · 3 answers · asked by The Y!ABut 6

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

2006-10-15 13:09:53 · 9 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

and when people were voting they were like DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE!!!!!!!!!!1

2006-10-15 13:01:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum
speed
on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day,
Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence
stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm
voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and
held it up to him.
"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
up to
him.
Harold nodded and said, Carry on, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again."

2006-10-15 12:55:07 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Only look at it once then post your reply

2006-10-15 12:47:08 · 35 answers · asked by returnofkarlos 2

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

2006-10-15 12:41:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into a restaurant. He asks for a glass of water. The waiter pulls out a gun and points it at him. The guy smiles, and takes off.

What's going on in this situation?

2006-10-15 12:40:18 · 19 answers · asked by snafu1 2

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

2006-10-15 12:36:34 · 21 answers · asked by :) 3

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
R8 it please. 1 bein worst 10 bein best.

2006-10-15 12:32:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heaven's Clocks!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan..."

2006-10-15 12:30:12 · 4 answers · asked by duhman 3

Do YOU know what the word S-H-I-T actually means? It's not what you think!!! 10 Points for the right answer........I already know, just want to see how many others do!

2006-10-15 12:29:43 · 6 answers · asked by Erica R 3

2006-10-15 12:24:59 · 4 answers · asked by ladidadi 1

From Disneyland to the Statute of Liberty.

2006-10-15 12:24:32 · 9 answers · asked by ladidadi 1

50yr old goes to doc for yearly exam,and asks the doc after he's done with him if he will live to be 80.Doc:do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine, Patient: Oh no, and I don't do drugs either.Doc:do you eat rib eye steak or barb ribs. Patient:no,my former doc told me red meat was bad for me.Doc:do you spend time in the sun on the golf course,sailing,?? Patient:no i don't do that , i heard the sun was bad for the skin.Doc:do you gamble,drive fast cars or have a lot of sex. .Patient:no i don't do any of that stuff, I'm a good living christian Doc: THEN WHY DO YOU GIVE A S***

2006-10-15 12:24:30 · 10 answers · asked by glasgow girl 6

A man wanted to go hunting without any weapon,SO he said whenever I see Tiger I will drop my pants and show tiger my weapon.While in the Jungle, Tiger came running up to him,So he drop his pants and show tiger his weapon,saying to tiger do you see this I have if it shoots you,you will be Dead.Tiger was so afraid and was running away.While Tiger keeps on running he came up to an old woman,So the old woman drop her underwear and sit on a rock skin-up and said to Tiger,you see this hole I have this is what Nuclear weapon did to me,If you want it you will get it,Tiger was so scare and ran for his life.

2006-10-15 12:23:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman ,on his beat one night came across a drunk lying in the gutter, and his mate had his trousers down, and was blowing up hi ****. 'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello said the copper, what exactly are you doing to that man? "I'm giving him the kiss of life ,officer". You can't do it like that < the copper said, Your blowing at the wrong end." I know that officer, but have you smelt his breath?

2006-10-15 12:14:01 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 12:10:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 11:57:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

with all the reality shows and news crews and you tube, soon everyone will be on tv at least once

2006-10-15 11:53:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because everytime he want to have s-x with his wives,He saw Bush.

2006-10-15 11:48:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar.....OUCH!

2006-10-15 11:45:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 11:39:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

don't be wondering if..u loose something...:)

2006-10-15 11:32:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the men that they could live if they brought back ten peices of the same type of fruit.So all three men went separate ways to get fruits.
The 1st came back and said,"I brought 10 apples." The king explained the test to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,he was killed.
The 2nd man arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9: and on the 10th berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I saw 3rd guy comin back w/ pineapples."

2006-10-15 11:28:56 · 16 answers · asked by puertofrican 3

2006-10-15 11:26:04 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous