Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.
A woman passing by asks him if he has ever been hugged.
He says no, so she hugs him and goes on her way.
Later on another woman passes and asks if he has ever been kissed.
He says no, so she kisses him and goes on her way.
10 minutes later another woman asks if he has ever been fuc*ed.
He says no, she says, you have now, the tide is coming in...

2006-10-15 11:08:50 · 28 answers · asked by Ali 3

because their knee grows(******)

2006-10-15 11:08:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 10:58:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 10:57:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dear white brother...
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I'm under the sun, I am black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm scared, I'm black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I die, I'll be black.
Now you, White man...
When you were born, you were pink.
When you grew up, you were white.
When you're under the sun, you're red.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you're scared, you're pale.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you die, you'll be gray.
After all that's been said, White Man, you still have the balls to tell me I'm a man of color?

2006-10-15 10:51:17 · 12 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

An irishman was walking along the street minding his own bussiness when all of the sudden two men jumped him from behind,"give us your money "one said but paddy was having none of it,he was kicking,biting,punching and pinching putting up a right good fight but adventurely the two men got the better of him and one of the men put his hand in paddys pocket and pulled out 57p"your crazy"said one of the muggers "you put up a fight like that for 57p"oh sorry lads"said paddy "i thought you was after the £200 in my sock"

2006-10-15 10:50:02 · 34 answers · asked by ellementre 2

i like laughing at clean jokes. got any?

2006-10-15 10:45:33 · 15 answers · asked by xknyghtmayre 4

Pedro is sitting with his head between his hands. A tourist of Spain approaches and say's 'whats wrong'?

Pedro replies ' all these fields before you, I cut all the grass, do they say there goes Pedro the grass cutter?............. NO!!!
All these fences betwen them, I build all of them, do you here them say there goes Pedro the fence builder?.............. NO!!!
All the houses outside the fields I build brick by brick, one by one, do they say there goes Pedro the housebuilder..................NO!!




But I shag one sheep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-15 10:43:56 · 21 answers · asked by L6 3

2006-10-15 10:33:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the diffrence between Superman and Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!

2006-10-15 10:28:07 · 11 answers · asked by stormi 1

little boy disturbs his parent making love,mum on top
Boy asks what are you doing,Mum says dad has a big belly so i get on top 2 help flatten it
Boy says u are wasting your time cos when your out the lady next door blows it back up again

2006-10-15 10:26:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

there r 3 steps 2 this:
1. type ur joke
2. wait
3. if u win u get 10 points, if u dont 2 badd!

2006-10-15 10:10:50 · 9 answers · asked by [[stephxnie]] 2

Thomas and Melanie found it hard to get a babysitter and the decided that the only way to make love at home was to send their eight-year son out on the balcony. the boy, pretending to be a super spy, began to report all the neighborhood activities. 'Mrs. Smith is hanging out her washing,' he said. 'a taxi just drove by.' a few moments passed. 'Andrew’s riding his new bicycle and the coopers are having sex.' Thomas and Melanie shot up from bed. 'how do you know that?' demanded Thomas. 'their kid is standing out on the balcony too,' his son replied

2006-10-15 10:07:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you can answer all of these correctly you get best answer

Whats the best way to kill a blonde?
What do you call 4 blondes laying sholder to sholder?
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge?
what do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
there are 3 red heads standing next to eachother how can you tell which one is a blonde who dyed?


bonus question:
whats pink red and white in a corner?
whats greed red and white in a corner?

2006-10-15 10:07:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1- He who laughs last... is retarded.
2- The last ones... will be disqualified.
3- He who toils early... will be sleepy the whole day.
4- He who don't owe... don't owe.
5- Family that prays together... is too religious.
6- Slow and steady... never gets there.
7- He who wants all... have all.
8- Better late... than much later.
9- After the storm... comes the flu.
10- He who waits... always tire.

2006-10-15 09:59:12 · 5 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away. The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read,
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

2006-10-15 09:57:28 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

We've Had Who Is The Best Singer, Now:
Who Is The Best Stand-Up Comedian?

: Lee Evans, Peter Kay, Chris Rock, Chubby Brown, Joe Pasquale, Jenny Eclair, Billy Connorely , Eddie Izzard, or Tommy Cooper.

2006-10-15 09:56:59 · 6 answers · asked by stu4milk 1

what do micheal jackson and a playstaion 2 have in common ?
they both amuse kids ! ta-da

2006-10-15 09:56:28 · 15 answers · asked by icewindade 1

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad the boy asked his father, "What are those things daddy?"...
His dad said, "Condoms, son".
The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?"
The dad replied, "The packs with 1 are for the high school boys - 1 for Saturday night. The packs with 3 are for the college boys - 1 for Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and the packs with 12 in are for the married men - 1 for January, February, March...........

2006-10-15 09:46:29 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was shopping at her local Asda store where she selected...
Pint of semi-skimmed milk
Box of 6 eggs
Carton of Orange juice
An ice-berg lettuce
Jar of coffee
and 1lb of bacon...
As she was unloading her items on to the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk, standing behind her, watched as she placed the six items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single".
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation. She was, however, a bit intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the conveyor belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiousity, getting the better of her she smiled broadly at the drunk and said, "Well, you know what, you are absolutely correct....But how on earth did you know I was single?"
The drunk replied "Cause you're ugly!" :(

2006-10-15 09:38:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Former Wordperfect Employee
This is reportedly an actual phone dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Support: "Hello, Technical Support; may I help you?" Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

S: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

S: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."

S: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."

S: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

S: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"

S: "Can you see the
C:\ prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

S: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

S: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"

S: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."

S: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."

S: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: "Yes, it is."

S: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."

S: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: "Okay, here it is."

S: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
C: "I can't reach."

S: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."

S: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

S: "Dark?"
C: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

S: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."

S: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."

S: "A power?!? A *power* outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

S: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

S: "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

S: "Tell them you're just too stupid to own a computer."

2006-10-15 09:36:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wife decides to take hubby to strip club for his birthday.Arriving at the club,doorman says"Hey Dave!How ya doin?"His wife is puzzled&asks if he's been to this club before."Oh no"says Dave."He's on my bowling team".When they are seated,a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable&says"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"."Oh, she's in the Ladies Bowling Club honey,we share lanes with them".A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave and says"Hi Davey want your usual table dance big boy?"Dave's wife,now furious grabs her bag&storms out of the club. Dave follows,spots her getting into a cab.Before she slams the door,he jumps in beside her trying hard to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,but wife is having none of it.She's screaming calling him every name in the book! Cabby turns to him&says"looks like you've picked up a right ***** tonight Dave". :)

2006-10-15 09:27:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

well there is five in our family,so one of us is chinese.theres my mom and dad,my older brother colin and my younger brother ho chin chow.i think its colin

2006-10-15 09:27:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 3 lawyers skydiving. A black guy, a hispanic guy & a white guy. They all jump out of the plane, but none of their parachutes open. Who hits the ground first?...........................Who cares?

2006-10-15 09:21:33 · 3 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

I've forgotten the complete joke, but remember the punch line. A few words might be wrong, but here it is:
"Me no know, me no tell. Me push button, run like hell!"
Now that I've spoiled the joke I don't remember, can anyone fill in the rest of it?
It might be ethnic, the way this line is spoken. Some dopey guy was left in charge of something and did what he was not supposed to.
I heard it when I was a kid, so my rememberance of it being a 'dirty' joke was probably just the word 'hell'. It is an old one for sure, but nowhere on the web.

2006-10-15 09:07:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.....One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor, where it smashes!!
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfulls of five and 10 dollar bills. He asks his wife, "What's up with all the notes???"
Wife replies, "Well not everyone is as cheap as you are". :)

2006-10-15 09:07:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Beautiful blonde walks into a doctor's surgery and the doc is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to remove her skirt; she does and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I'm doing?" asks the doc.
"Yes" checking for abnormalities" she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra; she takes them off. The doc begins rubbing her breasts and asks. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer".
Finally he tells her to take off her pants, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her...He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?".....
To which she replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I'm here!!" :)

2006-10-15 08:55:33 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

three blokes from kent on the train going to london to see paul mckenna. they arrive at the venue,get beer and get seated."For my next act i need 3 vounteers"the 3 blokes eagerly put up there arms ,"yes you 3 come down"said paul.So on the stage in seats paul clicks hes fingers an there under."these three men will do whatever there wifes asks for 24 hours"clicks his fingers again and off they go.next day jack comes downstairs opens the living room door and knocks into his wife who is decorating "bloody hell jack just smash the house up why dont you",with that he gets a hammer and does just that,meanwhile bob sitting in his chair smoking drops some ash on the carpet "go on bob burn the house down why dont you said his wife,to the shed gets petrol and does.in the pub later jack and bob tell there tales when mick walks in looking really upset whats up mick they ask when i got in last night i went to bed cuddled upto jo fancied my chances went down on her and she said you can cut that out

2006-10-15 08:52:22 · 20 answers · asked by ellementre 2

On the news, I saw a story about some marijuana being found in a hamburger from McDonalds. So, I put this out to you fine ladies and gentleman. The one who has the best joke relating to this or something similar will be rewarded with a best answer.

2006-10-15 08:50:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog, a cat and a penis are sittin around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!"
The cat says, "My master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter!"
The penis, OUTRAGED, says, "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do pushups until you throw up!" :)

2006-10-15 08:47:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous