Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

1..Riddle
I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?


2..Riddle
A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

3...Riddle
There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

I´ll post the answers in 1 hour... good luck

2006-10-15 08:47:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 08:45:38 · 32 answers · asked by jlok93 2

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled "Hello" to him and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. Christ! he says, "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sh**ged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?"
"No", she replies - I'm your son's English teacher!!!" :)

2006-10-15 08:41:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

someone left a note on my windscreen saying'parking fine', which was nice!

2006-10-15 08:37:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The newlyweds are in the honeymoon hotel room and the groom decides to let the bride know who's boss right from the start of their marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throws them at her...He says "Put these on!".
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers".
He replies, "And don't forget that I will always wear the trousers in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request..."Try these on!".
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
Wife says, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude!" :)

2006-10-15 08:35:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-15 08:34:12 · 5 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

Tuna half year old?

2006-10-15 08:33:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Christmas eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19yr old blonde.....
She said, "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa replied,"HO HO HO, GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO, Gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys.
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra & pants, and asked, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replied,"HO HO HO, GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO, Gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys.
She takes off EVERYTHING and says, "Santa, NOW, will you stay with me?"
Santa replied, "HO, HO, HO, GOTTA STAY, GOTTA STAY, Can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way". :)

2006-10-15 08:28:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman walking on Fifth Avenue passes a restaurant, Big Al's Diner. He orders a coffee and two donuts to go, pays $3.42, and continues on his way. No sooner does he walk twenty feet from the diner does he hear someone scream "NO, JOHN! NOT THE GUN!" He wheels around and rushes into the diner. Inside are a dead body, a construction worker, a milkman, and a football player. Without hesitation, the cop slaps a pair of cuffs on the murderer, making his arrest. Who did the cop arrest and how did he know he had arrested the correct person?

2006-10-15 08:23:35 · 16 answers · asked by Theo Z 2

One of my favorites.....

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"


(You’re going to love this.....)



She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

2006-10-15 07:55:18 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

imagine you die and go to heaven. at the judgement seat god says your good deeds and bad deeds are balanced so u decide whether to go to heaven or hell.(this is fiction).now you are transported to a sort of in between place with two doors(right and left.) which are identical in every way and in between the doors are identical twins. now the only difference between these twins is that one always tells the truth and the other always lies. now you are supposed to ask only one question and they will both answer you at the same time. remeber you want to get to paradise so what question will u ask to persuade them to tell you which door leads to it?
think deep. it's really very easy if you think about it.

2006-10-15 07:42:56 · 19 answers · asked by shaq 2

An old man said to a young man. “I have a daughter. She has as many brothers as she has sisters. Each one of her brothers has twice as many sisters as he has brothers. How many sons and daughters do I have?”

2006-10-15 07:36:04 · 30 answers · asked by Anto 2

a teacher ask paul what noise does a cow make and paul says "mooo"
then asks james what noise a sheep makes and james says "baaaa"
then asks delroy what noise a pig makes and he says "put it down ni***r

2006-10-15 07:24:28 · 20 answers · asked by Big hands 3

A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every
time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

2006-10-15 07:21:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are both fun to ride but you hope nobody sees you.

2006-10-15 07:08:51 · 8 answers · asked by barrettins 3

There are 3 kids...
The product of their ages is 36.
The sum of their ages would just confuse you.
The oldest kid likes math.

That was all I was given... I'm stumped. It is driving me crazy. Please Explain Your Answer.
Thanks So Much for your help.

2006-10-15 06:52:07 · 6 answers · asked by Sarah 4

She was soooooooooooooo blonde...
... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

... she thought a quarterback was a refund.

... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

... she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.

... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

... she thought General Motors was in the Army.

... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

... under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

... she tried to drown a fish.

... she tripped over a cordless phone.

... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
said "concentrate".

... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

... they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".

... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

... it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

... she studied for a blood test-and failed.

... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

... she sold the car for gas money.

... when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.

... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

2006-10-15 06:48:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, this is the riddle, first one to get it right gets the points!

Did you know that if a cork is put into a glass of water, the cork will never stay in the centre of the glass but will invariably drift to the side? There is, however, a simple way to make the cork float, and remain, in the centre of the glass. What is it?

2006-10-15 06:47:53 · 8 answers · asked by 8 10 11 <3 2

2006-10-15 06:37:35 · 2 answers · asked by rosiepetle96 1

Alex A has made up one of the worst jokes I have ever heard, to date he has put it on here 3 times and each time the majority hate it, is he doing it to iritate people or does he genuinely think it's funny. If it is the latter he needs some medical help, unless of course he is related to Lenny Henry, the worlds unfunniest man!!!!

2006-10-15 06:29:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

AN OLD LADY WENT TO THE DOCTORS COMPLAINING OF CONSTIPATION. SHE SAID "I SIT THERE FOR HOURS" THE DOCTOR SAYS." DO YOU TAKE ANYTHING?"."YES, I TAKE MY KNITTING!
young Scottish lad and a young Scottish lass are holding hands and gazing out over a beautiful Loch. After a few minutes, the girl says to the boy, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's time we had a wee cuddle."

Blushing, the girl leans over and cuddles him.

After a while, the girl says, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's about time for a wee kiss."

She leans over and pecks him lightly on the cheek.

There's another silence before the girl speaks, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's about time I put ma hand on your leg."

Shyly, she puts his hand on her knee.

At this point, she notices him very deep in thought and says, "Angus, another penny for you thoughts."

"Well now," he frowns, "Ma thoughts are much more serious this time."

"Really?" whispers the girl, biting her lip in anticipation.

"Aye," he says, "Isn't it about time you paid me the first three pennies?"

2006-10-15 06:06:37 · 25 answers · asked by postypaul 3

if so,tell me a joke because i love laughing!

2006-10-15 05:58:44 · 8 answers · asked by . 2

THIS IS A VERY TRUE STORY THT HAPPENED LAST YEAR IN MY SCHOOL...

last year there was a kid in electronics class standing by a transformer with wire cutters in his hand. the kid being the idiot that he is thought the wire cutters coul not cut through wiresand tried to cut the wire of the transformer. when he did he electrocuted himself and got himself suspended. he is still alive and stil acts like an idiot

AGAIN THIS A VERY TRUE STORY

2006-10-15 05:57:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think about that before the elections. :)

2006-10-15 05:56:56 · 3 answers · asked by stephen p 4

woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

2006-10-15 05:54:37 · 14 answers · asked by postypaul 3

wats the thinest book in the world?

wat do men n toilets have incommon?

2006-10-15 05:28:58 · 5 answers · asked by juddys_babe 1

2006-10-15 05:15:16 · 18 answers · asked by Skitz_kitty2000 1

2006-10-15 05:15:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two geezers are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home, complaining about the indignities of growing old.

“My hands shake so badly,” says the first guy, “that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face in four places.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second man. “My hands shake so badly that when I took a piss this morning, I came three times!”

2006-10-15 05:10:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

2006-10-15 05:03:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous