Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did

The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

2006-10-14 18:18:19 · 12 answers · asked by pantera 2

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"

2006-10-14 18:10:56 · 9 answers · asked by HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
____________________THE END____________________

THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

2006-10-14 18:06:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the person who gets it or comes up with a better answer than mine!

2006-10-14 18:05:38 · 22 answers · asked by elysialaw 6

two old ladies are sitting in a park, when a flasher walks up, yanks open his rain coat and exposes himself totally to them. this is an enormous shock to the ladies and one of them has a stroke right away! the other one cant quite reach

2006-10-14 18:00:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happens if a chinese man has a b0ner and runs into a wall?





He breaks his nose... (short weiner...)

2006-10-14 17:59:32 · 14 answers · asked by Ray 3

The car was in perfect working order.

2006-10-14 17:53:48 · 14 answers · asked by JQ 9 2

Why were there only 40,000 mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?





They only had two cars...

2006-10-14 17:53:27 · 13 answers · asked by Ray 3

2006-10-14 17:30:58 · 14 answers · asked by Dilyla V 1

Two Amish women are digging up potatoes and one of them holds up two potatoes and says "These look just like my husband's balls." The other woman says "Wow! They're that big?" the first woman says "No, they're that dirty!"

2006-10-14 17:29:39 · 37 answers · asked by spackler 6

What is the flattest surface to iron your pants on?





A white girls @$$

2006-10-14 17:27:44 · 15 answers · asked by Ray 3

i really want to know....how much wood,would a woodchuck chuck , if a woodchuck could chuck wood....

2006-10-14 17:18:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

In about 1984 in the local newspaper of Longmont, Colorado, they posted an article of funny insurance claim responses, does anybody have that or something similar? Thanks. Peace.

2006-10-14 17:18:50 · 3 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

The organs of a human were debating on which one was most important and should be the leader. The brain said, "I control all the functions, so it's pretty obvious that I'm it." The nerves said, "No, I connect you to every one else. If it weren't for me, there'll be chaos." The heart said, "But I pump the blood to keep all the other parts running smoothly. I'm the most important. " And finally the anus said, "No, you are all wrong. I'm the most important and should be the boss. I get rid of the waste of this crap hole." The other organs paused and just laughed hysterically. The anus got pissed and closed up. The heart found it exhausting to pump any more blood. The nerves shrivled and were dehydrated. The brain began malfuntioning. Finally the organs screamed, "Okay, anus! You win! You're the leader!"


The moral of the story? If you're the boss, you're probably a total @sshole.

2006-10-14 17:05:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

PICK UP LINE COMEBACKS




He: I'd really like to get into your pants. She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
He: So, wanna go back to my place? She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
He: I'd like to call you. What's your number? She: It's in the phone book. He: But I don't know your name. She: That's in the phone book too.
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking."
Man: (Comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line.) Woman: (Grabs his crotch, looks down at it, and looks back at him.) "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" (Nonchalantly walks off.)
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, f* off!"
Man: (Tells a pick-up line at the airport bar.) Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure." Man: (Graying man in his 60's.) "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
Man: (Glancing at a girl who had just walked by.) Woman: "What are you looking at?"
Man: "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: (Turning and looking at him. Lips parted and moistened with the tip of tongue. Leaning towards him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates.) "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
Man: (Pick-Up Line.) Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
After hearing a pick-up line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

2006-10-14 17:01:00 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ SNO0KEMZ ♥ 3

It came to me in an e-mail but I can't find my copy. Thanks.

2006-10-14 16:36:01 · 4 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.I want to travel around the world with my darling husband said the wife....2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.....Husband says - sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.....So the fairy waves her wand & the husband becomes 92.

THE MORAL OF STORY ::

Men who are ungrateful b*****ds should remember -Fairies r bloody female

2006-10-14 16:33:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ridding their new bikes, the rabbit and the skunk race to prove their skills; riddind so fast that lose control and crashed.
Dizzy and desoriented they start getting up, discovering that both have lost the memory, started crying freaking loud.
The rabbit ask the skunk what kind of animal he is, but the skunk cry and say " i don't know, i don't remember, buaa buaaa".
The rabbit ask the skunk to describ him to try to figure out what kind of animals they are.
The skunk tell rabbit "you are white, have big ears and your front teeth are big, also you are eating a freaking carrot,doc".
The rabbit jumps and all happy said "I remember i am a rabbit, now i am going to tell you how you look, you are black, have a line in the middle and you stink".
The skunk starts crying again and the rabbit ask him "what is wrong? don't you remember what animal are you?"
Criying the skunk replies " i remember but i am embarrassed".
Rabbit"what animal are you?".
Skunk" i am no animal, i am an a$$"

2006-10-14 16:31:21 · 11 answers · asked by GUAPOMOZZ 3

2006-10-14 16:29:42 · 17 answers · asked by ADS 3

Girls always say that womens problems start with men...is this why?

look at this list:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdowns
MENopause
GUYnocologist
and when you have real trouble,its a
HISterectomy!

2006-10-14 16:26:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

b-I-t-c-h (bich) n
female: the woman who stole your boyfriend
male: the hot, sexy chick at reception

butt (but) n
female: the body part that every item of clothing makes 'look bigger.'
male: the organ of mooning, farting, and number two-ing

commitment (ko-mit-ment) n
female: the desire to marry and raise a family
male: a female specific term; not relevant to the male species

entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n
female: a good movie, concert, play or book
male: anything involving alcohol, table tops, and women dressed in material only half an inch in width

communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n
female: the sharing of emotions and deep seated feeling with ones partner
male: the sharing of jokes with ones pals

flatulence: (flach-u-lents) n
female: a by product of digestion
male: an endless source of entertainment, self expression and male bonding

making love (may-king luv) n
female: the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
male: what men must remember to call ‘making love’ to entice a women to do so

needs: (need-z) n
female: the delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled n a relationship
male: food, sex and beer

taste: (tayst) v
female: something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure its good
male: something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

thingy: (thing-ee) n
female: any part of a cars mechanics
male: any part of the female anatomy

vulnerable: (vul-ne-ra-bull) adj
female: fully opening up ones self to emotionally to another
male: playing gridiron without a ball protector

2006-10-14 16:17:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, "Sure."

The driver parked his car, plugged his microscopic cell phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area. While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses. Finally, he printed a 150 page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced “You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"Impressive. One of my sheep is yours." said the shepherd.

He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied "You’re on."

"You are a consultant." said the shepherd without hesitation.

"That's correct," said the young man, impressed. "How ever did you guess?"

"It wasn’t a guess," replied the shepherd. "You drive into my field uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

2006-10-14 16:10:57 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you!

That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

♥

2006-10-14 16:05:54 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

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2006-10-14 15:42:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not a bottle cap but you can twist, not an ice cream but you can lick, and not a basketball but you can dunk. What is this?

HINT: 2 words.

2006-10-14 15:38:20 · 8 answers · asked by AskMeNot 2

2006-10-14 15:27:21 · 8 answers · asked by pavan_says_ello 2

After the bandages come off & his face heals, the first day he goes out & goes to the Newstand and asks, "How Old Do You Think I Am? The guy says, "39" . No I'm 47 he replies. "Oh, you really look good for your age". He's on a roll and goes to McDonald's for breakfast. and asks the the kid behind the counter, "How old do you think I am? "29 " is the reply and he again says "No I'm 47". Wow, you really look good for your age says the kid. He finishes breakfast and goes to the bus stop to wait for his bus. There's a little old lady waiting there & he asks, "How old do you think I am?". She replies, "Oh, I don't know, I'm 85 my eyes aren't what they used to be, but when I was younger, if I played with a man's testicles for a minute or so, I could tell his age" With no one else there he says." OK why don't you try". She pulls down his zipper & goes to work & soon says 'OK I'm done, you're 47". He says, fantastic, how'd you do that?" she says " "I was standing behind you at McDonalds"

2006-10-14 15:24:13 · 8 answers · asked by The professor 4

There was this boy in my school that called me pure sh*t and ran off during lunch. Does anyone find that rude?

2006-10-14 15:01:20 · 35 answers · asked by Carmen 1

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
While
They carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and
Didn't
Get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright
Colored
Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and
When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
We
Took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of the Ute, on a warm day was always a special
Treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO
ONE
Actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with
Sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!



We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
Were
Back when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
Ride
Down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
Into
The bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.



We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at
All, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround
Sound,
No cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
Rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were
No
Lawsuits from these accidents.


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live
In
Us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told
It
Would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
Or
Rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
Didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!



The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard
Of.
They actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
Solvers and inventors ever!



The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!



And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
Grow
Up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives
For our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know
How
Brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors,
Doesn't
It?!


PS - The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

2006-10-14 14:58:22 · 24 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Its begin with a P and end with an R

2006-10-14 14:50:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous