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Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

Anyone got any yo momma jokes? just funny ones. trying to gain an edge on my friends. keep em dirty. lol! thanks!

2006-10-14 14:48:15 · 12 answers · asked by joncabot a 1

2006-10-14 14:40:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i love raisins but i hate prunes, what/who am i?

2006-10-14 14:13:02 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.

He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

2006-10-14 14:09:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One afternoon a woman was walking on a trail with her baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, she leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly she felt foolish talking to the baby as if she understood her!

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

2006-10-14 14:07:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A student was trying hard to put his boot on when failed looked at the teacher and teacher started helping him.
Teacher was using her full power and boots did not want to go on. Atlast she managed to put second boot on.
The student said teacher boots are on wrong feet.
Teacher's face turned red but did not show her anger.
It took time to pull off the boots and then the teacher again managed to put on boots after some attempts.
Students said in a low voice these are not my boots. My mother made me wear them. These are my brother's.
Teacher wanted to shout, her face turned red then yellow but again she controlled herself and first pulled off the boots and finally put on both boots successfully and asked where are your mittens?
Student replied, I put them in the toes of boots and student said, teacher are you angry at me?
Teacher got shocked by the question and said, no, I am not, you are very intelligent student.
MORE JOKE ON http://360.yahoo.com/nihon94

2006-10-14 13:59:02 · 11 answers · asked by Ari 7

Are there only a handfull of people boring eachother on this site ?

Pleas answer with anything ! just to log as a number !

I'm interested to see !!

2006-10-14 13:53:43 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

White bird, featherless, flyin' out o' paradise, flyin' over sea and land, dyin' in my hand. What is it?

2006-10-14 13:51:51 · 12 answers · asked by joegossum 4

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does
your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

2006-10-14 13:40:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have long contended there are male jokes and there are female
jokes.
Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in
the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who
will love it...
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)


Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, on one condition." (There are always conditions.)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."(Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed (a real
pressing press into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said..."Clean my house."

2006-10-14 13:21:44 · 22 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Love Lifted Me!!

2006-10-14 13:16:47 · 5 answers · asked by barrettins 3

What is the longest word typed with your left hand?
Also what is the longest word typed with your right hand? Will put answers on for u all tomorrow. Keep guessing till then.

2006-10-14 12:59:26 · 8 answers · asked by english_rose10 3

Hope you enjoy!
> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-10-14 12:57:08 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Let me know what you think, but remember we are all the same!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-10-14 12:45:48 · 21 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Who hasn't got a problem with the rubik's cube???

2006-10-14 12:40:41 · 9 answers · asked by kiki 2

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

2006-10-14 12:30:32 · 20 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A panda walks into a bar, runs to the bar nuts and wolfs them down. He then pulls out a gun and fires into the air three times. As he turns to leave, the barman says to him, ''What the hell was that all about?''. The panda, stops and throws the barman a badley punctuated dictionary. I have to, look it up, says the panda. The barman thumbs through the dictionary until he reaches the entry he's after and reads..

PANDA. Eats shoots and leaves.

2006-10-14 12:30:18 · 36 answers · asked by Stevie t 3

Not a dam thing, carrots cant talk.

2006-10-14 12:28:32 · 12 answers · asked by EMO cupcake 4

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each."

Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and then he savors a sweet jelly taste.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says," Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're P-u-s-s-y Apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like s-h-i-t!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

2006-10-14 12:27:04 · 16 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-10-14 12:26:31 · 13 answers · asked by lb14041977@btinternet.com 2

They took his chair but he didn't fall...
Why???

2006-10-14 12:22:59 · 14 answers · asked by kiki 2

I set who free?!!

2006-10-14 12:18:45 · 6 answers · asked by jewwh8er 1

A man has an hour before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that."

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because I'm the p-pilot."

2006-10-14 12:15:02 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

An elderly woman walked into the headquarters of the Bank of Canada saying she wanted to open an account. Because it was a lot of money, she said, she insisted on talking to the bank's president.

The manager could tell from the look in her eye -- and the huge amount of cash he could see in her purse -- that she was quite serious, so he took the woman to the president's office.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$395,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that it was from betting.

"Betting?" the president replied. "What do you bet on?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked directly in the president's eye and said, "Would you like to take my bet or not?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $50,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done," the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10:00 tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"A reasonable precaution," said the president.

Sure enough, the next morning at exactly 10:00 the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and repeated the $50,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

For that kind of money the president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

"I suppose so," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Probably because I bet him $100,000 that I could convince the President of the Bank of Canada to drop his pants and let me grab his balls within five minutes of stepping into his office!"

2006-10-14 12:11:12 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

The telephone is off the hook, a voice can be heard calling the mans name. Broken glass surrounds the body, from under which pokes a fish. (has to be an old red style call box)

2006-10-14 11:54:26 · 22 answers · asked by Giordino 2

One entrance, door locked. One window, top floor which is open. In the room there is broken glass around a table at the window. Water has gotten onto the floor.

2006-10-14 11:51:48 · 15 answers · asked by Giordino 2

A husband walks out of the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect.” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It’s up to you!”

2006-10-14 11:51:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Come up with the best comeback to this question and get ten points.

"Your a lazy fat doosh bag"


What would you say? Make it funny!

2006-10-14 11:43:27 · 12 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Subject: A Day At The Zoo
>>
>>A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
>>She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
>>He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through
>>the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback
>>gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on
>>the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
>>and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously
>>excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
>>The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
>>
>>He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
>>puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the
>>gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the
dead.
>>Then the
>>husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little
>>more skin.
>>She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now...
>>Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
>>This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
>>
>>Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
>>flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
>>
>>"Now, tell him you have a headache."

2006-10-14 11:36:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

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