Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I was at the cashpoint earlier when this little old lady asked me if I would check her balance? So I pushed the ***** over!

2006-10-14 08:11:26 · 17 answers · asked by mistickle17 5

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher & a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of northern michigan university in Marquette.They would get together 2-3 times a week for coffee & to talk shop.one day someone made the comment that preaching to people isnt really all that hard. a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
one thing led to anothers & they decided to do an experiment. they would all go to the woods, find a bear, & attmept to convert it. 7 days later they all get together to discuss the experience.father flannery has his arm in a sling, is on crutches & has various bandages, goes 1st. " when i found a bear i began to read to him from the catechism. well he wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. so quickly i sprinkled my holy water & he became as gentle as a lamb. he is having his 1st communion & confirmation next week. reverand billy who was ina wheelchair with arm and leg both in casts, and an IV drip. he said "well you KNOW that we dont sprinkle!"

2006-10-14 07:54:31 · 8 answers · asked by Ellen 4

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest
vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can.The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.










"SEVEN UP" hehehe

2006-10-14 07:52:42 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

If you want them sent to you, answer with your e-mail!!! Post your e-mail for awesome jokes. No personal info needed.

2006-10-14 07:47:23 · 7 answers · asked by James Duck B 1

A posh women came into my shop the other day and she noticed a small puddle on the floor she told me "Excuse sir but i noticed that you have some H2O on the floor" ..i replied " No....its K9P"

2006-10-14 07:45:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He took one look at me and said "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

2006-10-14 07:32:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A co-worker came up to me today and said he caught his wife in bed with his best friend..
I asked him "what did you say "
he said "I was so shocked, the only thing I could say was BAD DOG, BAD DOG!!!!!!

2006-10-14 07:26:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy, "Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run

upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle

Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around

screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the steps and

she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

2006-10-14 07:21:49 · 23 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

2006-10-14 07:18:53 · 15 answers · asked by porker animal 2

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

2006-10-14 07:15:13 · 16 answers · asked by mazdaz6club 1

it blew away

2006-10-14 07:14:50 · 9 answers · asked by porker animal 2

doctor doctor ive got 3 fannies and the doctor says let me have a look then and agrees with her and puts 2 plasters over the fannies and the woman asks what will that do doctors reply itll stop you getting f____ left right and centre

2006-10-14 07:04:03 · 12 answers · asked by porker animal 2

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked uo his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.

2006-10-14 06:58:09 · 25 answers · asked by kate 2

a paddy long legs get it.

2006-10-14 06:55:54 · 9 answers · asked by porker animal 2

a little boy wanted to sleep with his mother cuz he was scared, mother said ok, just dont look under the covers. the boy said mommy wut is that, she said thats my garage. the next day the boy wanted to get in the hot tub with his dad, his dad said ok, just dont look under the water. the boy said daddy wut is that, the dad said thats my car. the next day he wanted to sleep with his mom and the boy said, daddy y is your car in my moms garage?

2006-10-14 06:42:06 · 15 answers · asked by music luver 2

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The
wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is
amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes
to
the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles.

Amazingly it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As
he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a
blue
ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks
back
into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers "don't know where
we
were, or what we did, but, we took first and second place!"

2006-10-14 06:40:22 · 11 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4

A man and his wife are in a bar. The wife keeps noticing that her husband is staring at a woman at the end of the bar. As the night goes on, the woman gets louder and more drunk. As the husband continues to stare at the woman, his wife asks him, "Why do you keep looking at that woman? Do you know her?"
The husband replies,"That's my ex-wife! We got divorced 7 years ago and I heard she started drinking after the divorce and hasn't stopped since!"
His wife stated, "7 YEARS??!! CAN YOU REALLY CELEBRATE THAT LONG??!!"

2006-10-14 06:39:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Buddhist monks were honored to meditate with a visiting monk. They met him on the other side of the lake from where they lived. Side by side, the three monks sat near a large lake, closed their eyes, and let the warmth of the sun wash over them as they focused on awareness and compassion.

Suddenly, the first monk stood and said, "My apologies, but I forgot my mat." He stepped onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to a hut on the other side.

On his return, the second monk also stood. "I forgot to water the fern that grows near our hut." He then walked calmly across the water only to return the same way.

The visiting monk watched the first two carefully and wondered, "Is their learning so superior to mine?" Determined to test himself, he stood and walked to the water's edge. But when he stepped out, he promptly fell into the deep water with a splash.

Undeterred, the visiting monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

2006-10-14 06:37:46 · 13 answers · asked by Laura D 2

My wife was doing a jigsaw earlier and she asked " can you help me ? its a picture of a tiger" ....i told her "put the FROSTIES back in the box!!!!"

2006-10-14 06:36:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

take a picture of a woman of Cherokee heritage with hair-rollers?

2006-10-14 06:34:01 · 9 answers · asked by monsieurleblanc 2

2006-10-14 06:29:25 · 17 answers · asked by Darth Jhon 3

A polish bus driver went to the opticians for an eye exam..the optician asked him to read the following board.............................. N E X W A V N Z S H U K Y

The pole replied " Read it,........ i know the man"

2006-10-14 06:24:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------
For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

2006-10-14 06:21:44 · 16 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4

You Brown it on one side and throw it in the Pot....
LOL

2006-10-14 06:08:13 · 11 answers · asked by sunnyday4me 2

A man planned a hunting trip for one November morning. He got out of bed carefully as to not wake his sleeping wife. He quietly dressed, fixed his lunch and got in his truck. He opened the garage door, and saw that the roads were covered in snow and ice.

He went back into the house, turned on the TV to the weather and saw that the weather was going to be terrible all day. So, he decided against hunting.

He went out to his truck, put it back in the garage and went back in the house. He went to the bedroom, quietly undressed and got back into bed with his wife.

As he snuggled up next to her, he said, "The weather is terrible out there today."

His wife replied, "I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in this crap?"

2006-10-14 06:06:21 · 15 answers · asked by amanda_loo_hoo 2

There has been some concern over so called "Racist" jokes recently. As an Italian American and my wife being Asian American, or more to the point, both of us being AMERICANS, we find a lack of humor about ourselves today, so I'm going to tell a " WOP " joke that was passed on to me from an asian, and I found funny!!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives "
Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell MISSISSIPPI

2006-10-14 05:49:54 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cup of _____
______ eggs.
______ bread.

2006-10-14 05:47:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

2006-10-14 05:44:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is white and swings through the trees'?
Tarzan the fridge.

What is black white and cool?
A fridge with a leather jacket on.

What is white and if it fell out of a tree and hit you on the head it woukld kill you?
Yep you guessed, its a fridge.

Now then, to all you racist joke haters out there. These are simple jokes They are by no means meant to ostracise silver, or any other colour fridges from our multi fridge society.
Just havin a laugh and the fridge don't mind. He havin a laugh too watchin the washing machine takin the piss out of the knickers...

2006-10-14 05:32:26 · 24 answers · asked by Ali 3

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on
her night stand by the bed. He

begins to worry . "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.



"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the! hell is he, then?" he demands.

That's me before the surgery.

2006-10-14 05:28:30 · 8 answers · asked by amanda_loo_hoo 2