Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

thats the punhline to my second favourite joke of all time. i want you to guess at the set up to the punchline....

2006-10-14 01:51:19 · 10 answers · asked by nice_use 2

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
under him."

2006-10-14 01:42:42 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. REHAB is for quitters.


2. I'm not Santa, but you can still sit on my lap.


3. PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.


4. Squirrels: Nature's little speed bumps.


5. My Indian name is Runs With Beer.


6. 333: I'm only evil half the time.


7. Getting married was her idea.

2006-10-14 01:31:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-14 01:29:50 · 10 answers · asked by Daisy Artichoke 3

2006-10-14 01:19:31 · 7 answers · asked by bharat m 1

An oldie joke again:-

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in
phone booths.
I got one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo, beautiful. So I pick up the card and I call the number.

"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard,
fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but sir for an outside line you need to press 9

2006-10-14 01:03:37 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only haveeyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it
would make me feel better to know that if any-thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll take it along. But for safety's sake, better give me more than one!"

2006-10-14 00:48:42 · 20 answers · asked by Pd 6

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2006-10-14 00:43:39 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

he was in a bar when a girl asked him if she could do anything for him, the panda says ye could he go home with her, so they got back to her place and he asks for a ham toasty, then he made love to her, just then he said thanks im off, the girl looked suprised and said what about the payment, what you mean said the panda, im a prostatute she said, whats a prostatute says the panda, the lady of the knight give the panda a dictinary and said look it up the panda reads out sexual activities for money, aw says panda giving the prosy the dictinory read the meaning of panda, she reads out "Panda eats, shoots and leaves"

2006-10-14 00:43:35 · 12 answers · asked by Rock 2

LIKE SMS & JOKES

2006-10-14 00:35:30 · 3 answers · asked by TREEZA A 1

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic
of Ireland soccer team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.

2006-10-14 00:17:28 · 26 answers · asked by stephen m 3

A man got a job in a isolated island that only men work there. After a few weeks of no contact with women, he feels horny and ask his roomate.
Man: So there is no way I can find a woman here?
Roomate: No, but there are men available.
Man: No way, I am not into that!
After several more weeks the man can't stand it anymore.
Man: Ok, I'll take it even its a man, but just don't let anybody else know.
Roomate: 3 other persons will know beside us.
Man: Why so many?
Roomate: Well, we need 3 men to hold the guy down and tie him up so you can do whatever you want with him.

2006-10-14 00:12:50 · 10 answers · asked by w 2

2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.

American bloke says: "What you doin?"

"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."

The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."

Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!

Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No ****."

2006-10-14 00:05:33 · 10 answers · asked by Linda 3

a clear road one day, when all of a sudden she begins to swerve her car chaotically this way and that!! By the time the emergency services arrive on the scene, the car is a total wreck and is written off. A puzzled policeman questions the blonde, asking "how on earth did this happen??"
"I dont know", she replied, "I was driving along and all of a sudden I saw a tree, so I swerved to miss it but there was another one, so i swerved again and there was another!! There were dozens of them!"
The policeman looked around, scratching his head in confusion, "but ma'am...there are NO trees around here for miles!!"
The blonde looked around her said "Oh, so there arent...perhaps it was just my air freshener!!"

2006-10-13 23:53:29 · 16 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

2006-10-13 23:31:42 · 8 answers · asked by x 5

I swerved off the road and hit a tree , when the Police turned up they asked me what had happened . I said I had just careered off the road !

2006-10-13 23:20:35 · 13 answers · asked by Bill L 5

One of the men farted

(yes i do know i told you the answer,its a joke!)

2006-10-13 22:55:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

To all the friggin people that have commented on my jokes with a....HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO ANSWER THAT/THIS...your not PECKERHEADS....It's a friggen joke.......not question, that's why it's in "jokes or riddles" Your helmets are on too tight OR what. Now if you PECKERHEADS want to reply to this as it is a question that's in jokes and riddles (only coz u cant "go figure") then go ahead. DOH DOH DOH DOH......

2006-10-13 22:26:37 · 10 answers · asked by Linda 3

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1: Bin Sleepin
2: Bin Drinkin
3: Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

END OF NEWS FLASH

2006-10-13 22:07:11 · 6 answers · asked by Linda 3

2006-10-13 22:06:22 · 12 answers · asked by bernardmailman 1

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The
other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

"Women might be able to
fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front
of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because
men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who
ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome,
beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

2006-10-13 21:41:19 · 14 answers · asked by Linda 3

if you put 50 red sox and 50 blue sox in a bag, how many do you have to draw out to make a pair?

2006-10-13 21:35:11 · 11 answers · asked by angel76 2

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

2006-10-13 21:20:18 · 11 answers · asked by Linda 3

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

2006-10-13 21:13:10 · 8 answers · asked by Linda 3

Sunday's sermon: "Forgive Your Enemies"
>
> Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
> have forgiven your enemies?"
>
> 80% held up their hands.
>
> The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,
> except one small elderly lady.
>
> "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
>
> "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
>
> "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
>
> "Ninety-eight." she replied.
>
> "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
> a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?"
>
> The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
> congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tches."

2006-10-13 20:55:08 · 12 answers · asked by Linda 3

Girls night out!!



Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to p*e, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....


'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

2006-10-13 20:19:30 · 12 answers · asked by Linda 3

unscamble these letters. They form a comedian's name.

NSEAVLIRM

here's a hint: Kimmel companion

First correct answer gets the 10 points!

Good luck!

2006-10-13 19:58:41 · 7 answers · asked by itsmeee2006 6

Circumcised
(This is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???




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2006-10-13 19:50:04 · 9 answers · asked by Linda 3

What is at the begining of the end and the start of eternity at the same time?

2006-10-13 19:42:28 · 17 answers · asked by admiredi 4

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What do you call it when an undertaker buries a body in the wrong place?
A: A grave mistake!

Hehhe. And here is today's riddle:

What do you call a car's life story?

Have fun!

2006-10-13 19:35:07 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6