Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

True Love Means...

A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a deserted road on a motorcycle.

Girl: Slow down, we're going too fast. I'm scared! And I don't want anything to happen.

Guy: Come on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Your having fun right?

Girl: NO...please stop. I'm really scared

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I LOVE YOU! Now please slow down.

Guy: Give me a hug.

*Girl hugs him*

Guy: Can you help me out here? Will you take me Helmet off of me and put it on you? It's bugging me.

In the paper the next day: A motorcycle has crashed into a building break failure. Two people found, but only one survived.

The Truth is: That halfway down the road the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug him for one last time. Then had her wear him helmet so she would live, even though it meant that he would die

2006-10-13 19:31:12 · 11 answers · asked by CutiePrincess 1

2006-10-13 19:23:21 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

a tour group went on a trip to England. There were 10 Scottsmen and 10 Nfld'rs, they decided to go on a double decker bus. the scottsmen went on the lower deck and the Nfld'rs went on the upper deck.The tour guide had a hard time with the Scotsmen what with there drinking and joking,he went to the upper deck to check on the Newfi'es and they were all sitting with long serious faces, when the guide asked them why they weren't having as much fun as the Scotsmen they replied"it's allright for them down there they have a driver.

2006-10-13 18:43:20 · 18 answers · asked by glasgow girl 6

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Subject: Anger Management






This fellow obviously has a problem - and way too much time on his hands.


ANGER MANAGEMENT




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man
answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"


Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude.


When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung
up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.


Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"


It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.


I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and
hung up.


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the
man with the black
BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I
can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and the car's parked
right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked,
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening
after five."


I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said,
"Don, you're an asshole!"


Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.


Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.


Then I came up with an idea.


I called asshole #1.


He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah". He screamed, "Stop
calling me."
I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don
Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree
Blvd, in Fairfax. I have a black Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.


Then I called Asshole #2.


He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He yelled, "If I ever find out
who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass."
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay
lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on
Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

2006-10-13 18:43:09 · 17 answers · asked by Linda 3

2006-10-13 18:34:18 · 26 answers · asked by tinaredcd 1

All you have is a bat and a ball.

2006-10-13 18:33:46 · 3 answers · asked by tinaredcd 1

2006-10-13 18:33:03 · 16 answers · asked by tinaredcd 1

KITCHEN SEX
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast. He walks in. She
turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky
day." Not wanting to
lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it
his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the
stove. More than a little
puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

2006-10-13 18:18:59 · 28 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I feel girls r emotional fools

2006-10-13 18:03:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can sleep with a light on.

2006-10-13 18:00:22 · 10 answers · asked by emergency_hammer 2

ok so there was this man walkinon the road and hesaw a man named jay with a ckiken in his hand and askes the man if he wanted it so the man said sure then jay siad but gotta call it a cock it only goes but the name cock and can't put on the floor or it's gonna run away.so the mansaid oksohecomesup2 another man nammed frank and hes like do u want this donkey and hes liek sure then frank syas but u can only call i *** or he wont respond and he stops ocassionallyin the roed just scratch his head and he willgo so the mans like ok and walks off so further up in the road while hes riding on his donkey a man nammed joe says do want this dog and hes like yea a free dog sure then joe says but u cant havehim go on he floor with donkey he willchase him and hes goes by the name pull it so the man says ok and walksoff happysome time later the donkey stops so the man has toscratch it but he can't put his animals down so he asksthisman can u hold my cock n pull it while i scratch my *** hopeu <3

2006-10-13 17:43:14 · 11 answers · asked by dead. 2

Two guys are restling a big pony cat, and one says to his friend, why don't you have a drink. And the other guy sais, I can't have a drink because you're the one in the front! HA! No seriousely, I made that up myself.

2006-10-13 17:35:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

chair, bevel, eyeball, weetabix, beanbag, giraffe, cough????

May the best person win!

2006-10-13 17:14:55 · 17 answers · asked by Samsara 2

I'm half pound whopper cheese, blue around the two bools in face and caan't lead an elephant toward water. Who am I ? Ok, no, change that. I'm drrrrammmphh BLATZ! Ooops, poop. Ok, change second time. I can't spell so craaampin style. Hooos yer daddy! and, ok, time for medicine. Who am I ?

2006-10-13 17:02:18 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Found this at madblast.com and thought I'd share:

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you are so happy.” She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more.” I asked, “What do you mean, more?” She said, “Well, we’re not going to have just one baby. We’re going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said….

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!!”

2006-10-13 17:00:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat ran into a dog.. barked!

2006-10-13 16:32:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no
breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little
pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a
bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and
bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so
you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile
says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?

.

2006-10-13 16:23:32 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Come on you know you are not that pretty so admit it

2006-10-13 16:00:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

2006-10-13 15:48:10 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

(Not the two hunters joke, it is on 20 different websites.)

2006-10-13 15:42:16 · 8 answers · asked by Lori G 2

2006-10-13 15:38:16 · 8 answers · asked by big gurls 2

There's lot lot of joke about blond but do you have any idea about black hair?

2006-10-13 15:31:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2% or 98% ...can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the population? Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them.
* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).


Think of a number from 1 to 10


Multiply that number by 9


If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together


Now subtract 5


Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)


Think of a country that starts with that letter


Remember the last letter of the name of that country


Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter


Remember the last letter






answer in a second!

2006-10-13 15:24:43 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there were three boys walking down tha road one name dodo, shut up and manner. One day they were walking down tha road and dodo trip ova a rock and broke his leg.So Shut up went 4 help and seen an gas station near by and went inside and told the man that work there that to call th police my friend is hurt.Then tha man said ok what is ur name boy, then he said shut up, he said wats ur name boy, he said shut up, then tha man said were ur manners then he said in tha road picking up dodo

Yo this is m@rkeonna known @$ th@ and only Lil ladie give me a post if u like it pecae

2006-10-13 15:22:42 · 26 answers · asked by Lil Ladie 1

One day there were three boys walking down tha road one name dodo, shut up and manner. One day they were walking down tha road and dodo trip ova a rock and broke his leg.So Shut up went 4 help and seen an gas station near by and went inside and told the man that work there that to call th police my friend is hurt.Then tha man said ok what is ur name boy, then he said shut up, he wats ur name boy, he said shut up, then tha man said were ur mannersin tha road picking up dodo

2006-10-13 15:19:45 · 17 answers · asked by Lil Ladie 1

Don't be shy, so think of the funniest joke and send it!

2006-10-13 15:17:05 · 22 answers · asked by Alex 4

A blonde sees a guy and tells him T.G.I.F
The guy then says S.H.I.T.
The blondes confused says again T.G.I.F
The guy says S.H.I.T.
The blonde then tells him
Thank
God
Its
Friday

The man replies
Sorry
Honey
Its
Thursday



Top 3 blonde inventions

1. Waterproof towel
2. A book on how to learn to read
3. A solar powered flashlight


A driver sees a blonde driving crazy on the road
so he stops her
He aasks whats wrong
she replies theres a freakin tree in fromt of me
he goes mam thats your air freshner

2006-10-13 15:16:26 · 17 answers · asked by nflcharlie 1

can anyone tell me some like church jokes . like this one there was this man and he was in the desert and he finally saw a house and he got up to the front step and collapsed and the man that lived there was a missonnary and so couple days later after the kind missonary nursed him back to hydration, the man asked him where was the nearest town was the missonary said it was just a couple of miles so he goes out the back door and sees the mans horse so he asked if he could use it he says yes but this horse is spaecial to make him go you say praise god to make him stop you say amen. so he gets on the horse and says praise god praise god praise god so the horse starts to trot the man gets brave and says praise god praise god praise god praise god so the horse starts to gallop and the man sees a cliff up ahead and he says whoa atop heel then he remembers and he says amen well the horse staoped 4 inces from the cliff the man leans back in the saddle wipes his head and says praise god. hahaha

2006-10-13 15:05:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A city slicker was tearing through the country one day in his new sports car when out of nowhere appeared a bull on the road. unable to avoid it, the guy drove right into the bull, killing it instantly. feeling very guilty, he walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. I’m so sorry, madam, I’ve killed your bull. I’d very much like to replace him.'
'oh, okay,' replied the farmers wife. 'go around to the side and you’ll find the cows in the barn

2006-10-13 15:00:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

2006-10-13 14:55:54 · 10 answers · asked by Tru-Gem 2