Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Theres two in a week, one in a year, and its always at the end of time...what am I?

first one right gets 10 points

2006-10-13 11:50:20 · 17 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

My skin is white,and black.
My mouth goes with my appetite.
My ears are black,and sometimes white.
I can run fast if I use my might.
Im faster than a human bein.
Yet i lack the colors of seeing.
What am I?


first one right gets the 10 points

2006-10-13 11:47:56 · 10 answers · asked by chuchi 1

I can sizzle like bacon,
I am made with an egg,
I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,
I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,
I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole,
What am I?

2006-10-13 11:44:12 · 10 answers · asked by chuchi 1

I was in the pub with my best friend and he asks me "how's sex with my wife these days?" ..I was surprised but replied "Its OK thanks,why do you ask?".... He said " I just wanted a second opinion"

2006-10-13 11:38:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

LASSIE!!!

2006-10-13 11:25:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is badminton sissy or what?

2006-10-13 11:15:56 · 14 answers · asked by blah... 1

a riddle relating to the game 20 questions. try to guess wat it is without reading all the clues.first one to guess correct getz mucho pts.

1 a thing
2 people ''walk'' all over it
3 a wonder
4 it has a beginning and an end
5 its ''feet'' are always wet
6 not real gold
7 not part of a fence

2006-10-13 11:04:06 · 9 answers · asked by ilikeurpizzagyal 1

all people who think they are funny, use your talent and see. if i like ur joke i will put it in the draw tomorrow night and if ur name is picked out u will win the points!!!!! SIMPLE

2006-10-13 11:01:57 · 33 answers · asked by rach4haza 1

i just proposed to my girlfriend whilst doing a bungie jump......but she said "no" because she said i was still on the rebound.....

2006-10-13 10:54:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, three penguins were sitting in the backseat of a car. The guy who was driving them got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you have 3 penguins in your car? Take them to the zoo!"

The driver took them to the zoo.

The next day the same guy got pulled over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!"

The guy replied "I took them to the zoo yesterday, I'm taking them to the movies today!"

2006-10-13 10:54:13 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.BE STRONG HONEY-I love you!"
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck...he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom....BE STRONG HONEY, I love you too!!"

2006-10-13 10:50:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 10:41:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

2006-10-13 10:38:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

2006-10-13 10:34:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit ****. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sht.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

2006-10-13 10:30:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

2006-10-13 10:25:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

2006-10-13 10:23:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Isn't that interesting :0

2006-10-13 10:22:10 · 4 answers · asked by Fabiola V 1

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language.
One day the woman asked, "Can't we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man said, "Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?"

The woman said, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man said, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times, ok?"

2006-10-13 10:21:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 10:20:27 · 3 answers · asked by josh m 1

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2006-10-13 10:17:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who ! says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.Joe is shocked Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws
her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

2006-10-13 10:16:45 · 16 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life 'tween the legs of me wife!". That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ..."I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
"Aye, did ye now?" And what was yer toast?"
John said "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sittin in church beside me wife".
"Oh that is very nice indeed John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary".
"Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. Ya know, he's only been there twice in the last four years....once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

2006-10-13 10:04:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."

2006-10-13 09:42:56 · 20 answers · asked by midwestbruin 3

You have a 5 pint glass a 3 pint glass and a tap. You can refill and empty the glasses as many times as you like

Question: How do you get exaclty 4 pints in the 5 pint glass?

2006-10-13 09:35:23 · 22 answers · asked by Galaxy 1

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2006-10-13 09:15:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 09:12:34 · 11 answers · asked by Trish H 3

I already go to http://www.jokes.comedycentral.com but those jokes are petering out, althoguh they're still funny...plus I can't get he individual ones to load.

So any ideas of other sties with mostly funny jokes?

2006-10-13 09:10:57 · 5 answers · asked by Bee 4

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tommy Finnegan arrives at the door.
"Brenda may I come in? I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course you can, you're always welcome,Tommy, but where's my husband?"
"That's what I need to be tellin ya Brenda". "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh God no!" cried Brenda."Please don't tell me..."
"I must Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead & gone. I'm sorry".
Finally she looked up at Tommy. "How did it happen Tommy?"
"It was just terrible Brenda, he fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tommy, did he at least go quickly?"
"Well Brenda....NO!........ `In fact he got out three times to pee." :)

2006-10-13 09:06:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman are sleeping in bed one night and a loud noise out side wakes both of them up. the woman stands up and says,"sh*t! my husband is home!!!" the man stands up and jumps out the window and starts running, halfway across the lawn he stops and turns around and says," You *****!! Youve been cheating on me!!" and the wife screams back, " oh, and why the F*ck are YOU running away for!!!"

2006-10-13 09:01:45 · 9 answers · asked by Deception 2