Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

2006-10-13 04:12:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a snack cake, while the barber does his job. Her dad looks over and says, "Honey, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie". She looks up at him and says, "I know, Dad, and I'm gonna get boobs, too".

2006-10-13 04:06:36 · 9 answers · asked by happy heathen 4

he goes along with the sun from east ,west,north

2006-10-13 04:06:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

2006-10-13 04:01:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 4 people who need to cross a narrow bridge at night with only one torch.

The four people each have different travelling times:

Person 1 crosses in 1 minute
Person 2 crosses in 2 minutes
Person 3 crosses in 5 minutes
Person 4 crosses in 10 minutes

Only two people can cross at a time and one person has to come back over the bridge to give the torch to the others still waiting to cross. A person cannot cross the bridge without having the torch or walking next to someone who has it.

While crossing, you have to use the slowest time of the two people because they have to walk the same pace.

You have to add the person who comes back to your total time.

They need to cross in 17 minutes. How?

Here's an example:

5 and 10 go over (that's 10 minutes) and then 5 comes back with the torch (that's a total of 15 minutes). Then 5 and 2 go over (that's 20 minutes---and you're already over the time limit . . . )

How can you get all four people to the other side in 17 minutes?

Note that there is a logical answer. It won't be anything like "they can throw the torch to the other side instead of walking it over", or "they can all wait till sunrise", or "why don't they jog over and increase their times", etc!

2006-10-13 03:56:05 · 4 answers · asked by bob v 2

My Husband is a Cop, I love these. Give me some more please. Leave yours. Here's a few of mine.
Didn't I see you get your a$$ kicked on COPS?
Are You Andy or Barney?
Is that a 9 mm? That's nothing. Look at my 44 auto Mag.

2006-10-13 03:33:01 · 17 answers · asked by heresyhunter@sbcglobal.net 4

Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm
barman - Where'd you get the pig?
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog!
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog

2006-10-13 03:32:07 · 17 answers · asked by teresa d 4

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

_______________________________________

FAMILY :

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get That forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING:


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________

DRIVING:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

2006-10-13 03:12:41 · 21 answers · asked by happy heathen 4

On a state visit to London, President Bush after a hectic press conference, returns to his hotel suite at night. To his dismay, he spots through the peeping hole, Tony Blair in bed with his wife, Laura. Like an enraged bull, he starts banging on the door.

The First Lady is alarmed. She quickly motions the Prime Minister to hide in the closet. Now, both of them are in a state of undress, so Mr. Blair sneaks inside with pillow-covers on him.

Once inside, Bush charges at his wife like a ranger. "You dirty whore, where is that RAT?"

Soon, Blair is pulled out of his hiding place, and is quite EMBARRASSED, and seems to be begging for mercy. But, something else happens:

Bush "Hey Tony, what say we have some martini, and casseroles?"

Blair couldn't believe his ears. Soon, even as Mrs. Bush goes ahead in planning arrangements, Bush, in his jovial spirit, tries to engage Blair in a friendly night time banter.

Blair "Mr. Bush, I don't understand this. I was f*cking your wife.."

2006-10-13 03:11:49 · 28 answers · asked by quilm 3

2006-10-13 02:43:02 · 2 answers · asked by barbaraminoletti 1

She sold her car to buy some gas? She made an onion cry?

2006-10-13 02:36:33 · 11 answers · asked by thrag 4

whats the difference between a porche and a porcupine???

2006-10-13 02:28:34 · 22 answers · asked by slinky2005 2

...when they see a crocodile swim past with a mans head hanging out!!! the first irishman turns to his friend n says "ere paddy, did y'see that bloke?? "yeh" replies paddy, "and the flash git had a lacoste sleeping bag and all"!!!

2006-10-13 02:27:37 · 16 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

2006-10-13 02:25:46 · 31 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

2006-10-13 02:24:56 · 7 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

Its a Halloween cute poem

2006-10-13 02:23:00 · 3 answers · asked by barbaraminoletti 1

hey i did leave it open for you to answer but i'll tell you what happened...

the gorilla runs up to the boy, smaks him on the arm and shouts 'had' then runs away....

2006-10-13 02:09:07 · 13 answers · asked by carlaroberts18 3

whats worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?

2006-10-13 02:02:22 · 35 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

2006-10-13 01:55:33 · 25 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

2006-10-13 01:44:09 · 13 answers · asked by Cicaskate 1

What colour would a smurf turn if he were choked or strangled?

2006-10-13 01:43:01 · 19 answers · asked by Jamieson 5

A father who was ill, & had 1 son. On his birthday he asked him wat he wanted 'i want a gorilla' he sed so the dad went out 2 find a gorilla but no luck so he bought him a bike, he was happy but still upset as he had no gorrila, nxt yr comes around & the father asks his son what he wants4his bday ' i want a gorrilla' he says again the dad cannot find him1 so he gets him a car.. nxt yr same thing &he gets a boat, &the yr after a plane. Again its the sons bday &the fathers illness is gettin worse, the son still wants a gorilla & this year the father manges2 adopt him 1 at the local zoo. on the sons bday the father takes his son 2 the zoo and gives him the gorrilla but he is warned that whatever he does he must NOT take the gorilla out the cage but he can stroke&play with him in the cage. months l8r the father dies the son is extremely upset&goes2 the gorrilla&lets him out, he starts chasin him, he gets on his bike, in his car, boat &plane, wen he stops the gorilla runs up to him....and.

2006-10-13 01:40:07 · 10 answers · asked by carlaroberts18 3

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he
settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading
straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the
seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has
ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a
meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his
composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at
this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are
those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact,
it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of
Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best
potential lover in all categories is the Southern
Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and
blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be
discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends
call me Bubba!

2006-10-13 01:37:27 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

2006-10-13 01:28:25 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

3 grooms staying in the same hotel after getting married, and before retiring to their rooms where their newly wed wives are waiting, they're enjoying a drink together at the bar. One of the grooms says he's nervous about consumating the marriage and says "How many times should you do 'it' on your wedding night?". They discuss a bit, then one says "Tell you what, however many times we do it tonight we'll talk about it over breakfast". "Yeah, but we can't just blurt it out. How about, how many times we've done it, we order that many pieces of toast with breakfast?". The men agree and join their wives.

The next day they meet at breakfast. The waiter asks the 1st man what he'd like. "I'll have a full english & 2 pieces of toast". The others say "Good on you mate!". The 2nd says "I'll have the same but with 4 pieces". "Well done son!". The 3rd says "The same again but with 7 pieces of toast". "Whoa!". As the waiter walks away he says "oh, and make 2 of them brown please...."

2006-10-13 01:23:44 · 15 answers · asked by theredalbino 3

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

2006-10-13 01:19:42 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

Here's mine: "Rectum? Darn near killed em!"

2006-10-13 01:16:43 · 4 answers · asked by TeeDawg 6

Because he tested positive for drugs.....Calpol!

2006-10-13 01:11:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 01:07:02 · 21 answers · asked by adam g 1

Wife Oh, come on. Please?
Husband Leave me alone.
Wife It won't take long.
Husband I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife I can't sleep without it.
Husband Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
night?
Wife Because I'm Hot.
Husband You get hot at the darndest times.
Wife If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife You don't love me anymore.
Husband Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife (Sob-Sob)
Husband Alright, I'll do it.
Wife What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband I can't find it.
Wife Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband There. Are you satisfied?
Wife Oh, yes, honey.
Husband Is it up far enough?
Wife Oh, that's fine.

Husband wnet to bed and said from now on when you want the window open,do it yourself.

2006-10-13 00:54:58 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6