Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

2006-10-12 17:03:13 · 5 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-10-12 17:02:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have a train coming from the north, south, east, & west of you. All 4 directions. Where do you go before all 4 smash you @ the center point.

2006-10-12 17:01:34 · 19 answers · asked by blah b 1

2006-10-12 16:51:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

2006-10-12 16:49:58 · 18 answers · asked by jsfurr1981 1

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

2006-10-12 16:43:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1. OTHER WOMEN

2006-10-12 16:42:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS"

2006-10-12 16:42:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a quiz is called a quizzical then what are tests called?!??!?!?

2006-10-12 16:37:31 · 19 answers · asked by chocolate luver 3

One of my friends is a lawyer and she does love jokes about lawyers. For her upcoming birthday I need a new joke that is funny, smart and witty - just as she is. Thank you!

2006-10-12 16:36:42 · 4 answers · asked by oksana_rossi 3

my brother inlaw asked this dumbquestion i told him yes its a robbery and this fool and my husband said it wasn't that it was said it isn't n that its a loan

2006-10-12 16:32:06 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 16:06:49 · 8 answers · asked by galactic129 1

Men Are Like...
Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds.They take so long to mature.

Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken.

Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

2006-10-12 15:57:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 15:50:40 · 19 answers · asked by Gq_fine 1

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-12 15:41:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of kindergartners were getting accustomed to the first grade and the teacher told them not to use baby words only "big people words". The teacher asked Mitchell what did you do this weekend, Mitchell said "I went to visit Nana", the teacher says no baby words" only "big people words". You went to visit your Grandmother.

Then she asked Mathew, what did you do?. Mathew answered "I took the choo choo", no baby words, big people words only said the teacher. You took a ride on the train.

Then she asked Bobby, what did you do? Bobby said "I read a book". Very good, says the teacher, What book did you read?. He took a deep breath and brings his chest out and says I read "Winnie the S**t"

2006-10-12 15:35:30 · 14 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-10-12 15:04:53 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-10-12 14:55:31 · 24 answers · asked by ? 4

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.- Alan, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.- Pam, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?- Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10

2006-10-12 14:52:15 · 10 answers · asked by Skyler 2

Maria a beautiful Latino fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her
papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another boyfriend.

Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother" .

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after
telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry
Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo is your
half-brother too."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "My
darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you
are not related to Papa."

2006-10-12 14:49:59 · 14 answers · asked by Skyler 2

Also...
Why was there only one female smirf?
Why don't they make mouse flavoured cat food?

2006-10-12 14:23:12 · 18 answers · asked by KJA 3

it's an old riddle i guess??

2006-10-12 14:18:55 · 17 answers · asked by hiro 2

A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" Polly then replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2006-10-12 14:03:10 · 34 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

This is a holloween riddle, can you figure it out, if you can i will chose yours as the best answer.Hint(s)It's a man made object.

2006-10-12 14:01:10 · 13 answers · asked by busman_octa 2

reverse the n and the p

2006-10-12 13:54:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Travelling salesmen, far from home, decide to get a room at a local hotel and split the costs. They ask the clerk "how much for a room?" The clerk tells them $30. They each pull out $10 and give it to the clerk. After a while, the clerk realizes that weekend rates apply, and the cost of the room is only $25. He pulls 5 $1 bills out of the till and heads off to their room. As he's walking, he remembers that there's 3 of them, and 5 won't break evenly between 3 salesmen. So the clerk pockets $2, and gives them each $1 back.

So, now each of the salesmen have paid (net) $9 for the room. [Originally paid $10, got one back from clerk]

9x3=27

Clerk pocketed $2.

27+2=29?

Where's the extra dollar?

2006-10-12 13:42:56 · 16 answers · asked by RepoMan18 4

2006-10-12 13:30:22 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-10-12 13:27:45 · 74 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is not an intelligence test, but it is a riddle, a simple one at that. See if you can answer it.


I am all over your house.
I am in the bathroom and the kitchen at the same tiem
I am also in your room.
You touch me atleast 10 times a day.
You dont notice me when ever you use me.
YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

Who or what am I?

2006-10-12 13:26:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

One time I was sniffing coke and the ice cubes stuck together.
10 being I almost peed my pants.
1 that totally sucked rod dude.

2006-10-12 13:22:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous