Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

man joins parachute brigade and after training goes up for first jump.....soon its his turn but just as he is about to go he chickens out..".no no!!" he cries.... a big black sergent comes up behind him with his 12 inches in his hand,and shouts" jump, or ill give you this right up your a..s..!"
did you jump his friend askes..?

only a little at first....

2006-10-12 10:26:25 · 32 answers · asked by notgnal 6

Last week was my birthday&I didn't fel very well that morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant&say"Happy Birthday"&possibly have a present for me.As it turned out she barely said Good morning.Well that's marriage for you but my kids will remember...they didn't say a word.So when I left for the office I was feelin pretty low but then Jane my secretary said "Morning Boss, Happy Birthday".At least someone had remembered. Lunch time,Jane knocked and asked me out to lunch.I said Thanks Jane.We didn't go to our normal place instead to a little place with a private table.We had 2 Martinis each&I enjoyed the meal.On the way back Jane said let's go to my place.After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me&said Boss if you don't mind I'm going to step into the bedroom for a minute - I'll be right back.After a couple of minutes she appeared with a b'day cake,my wife,kids&friends all singing Happy B'day...and i just sat there....on the couch....COMPLETELY NAKED!

2006-10-12 10:07:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

he is pedaling the car up and down the corridor when,as he turns a corner,a brother steps out and stops him. " can i see your driving lience says the brother. the boy reaches into his pocket and takes out the top of a cornflakes box and shows it to the brother who lets him carry on. a little further down the coridor another brother stpos him and asks to see his tax disc. the boy reaches into his pocket again and this time takes out the cap from a milk bottle, shows it to the brother who then lets him carry on. the boy pedals a little further and as he swings around a corner he spots a brother standing in the shadow of a doorway and he has his d**k in his hand. oh no says the boy, not the breathaliser!

2006-10-12 09:58:30 · 13 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

Like Machines....


A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary."

2006-10-12 09:58:15 · 8 answers · asked by bananaaaaassss!!! 3

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this

morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard .

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

2006-10-12 09:54:54 · 18 answers · asked by neha 3

About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.

2006-10-12 09:51:09 · 11 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

However, the restaurant mixed up their names and didn't get them seated on time. By analyzing the clues below, you should be able to figure out what time they finally got a table.

Clues:
1. They sat down within two hours of their reservations.

2. All three digits in the time that they were seated are different.

3. The second two digits in the time are equal to the first digit plus four.

2006-10-12 09:49:42 · 5 answers · asked by ttq_sd 1

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the

2006-10-12 09:49:32 · 9 answers · asked by neha 3

A man pushes his car up to a hotel and immediately know's he is bankrupt. What is going on here?

2006-10-12 09:47:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grizzled old man was eating in a road side cafe when three members of Hells Angels walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly afterwards, one of the bikers said to the waitress "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either! - he's just backed his truck over three motorcycles".

2006-10-12 09:45:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don?t disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That?s a good point, Sparky." "No, I?m sorry, but I?m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you?re doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I?ll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven?t lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

2006-10-12 09:44:10 · 12 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

peter come to me say jesus. peter pushes his way through the crowd and makes it as far as the soldiers that are guarding the cross. they stop peter and tell him he can go no futher. " but my lord is calling me " says peter as he tries to push through. the soldiers grab him and chuck him back down the hill. once again jesus calls out," peter, peter, come to me." peter fights his way back through the crowd till once again he is facing the soldiers. this time peter begs and pleads with them to let him through to jesus till finally the soldiers agree. they let him pass and when he reaches the cross he he says " lord i'm here, what do you want?" jesus looks at him and says " peter, i can see your house from here." ( or) " peter, save me an egg, i'll be back on sunday."

2006-10-12 09:43:00 · 12 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

What is.....
The beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space.
The beginning of every end,
and end of every place?

2006-10-12 09:41:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man worked all his life&saved all his money&was a real miser.Just before he died,he said to his wife"When I die,I want you to put my money in the casket with me-I want to take it to the afterlife with me"& so he got his wife to promise with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.Well he died.He was stretched out in the casket;his wife was sitting there in black&her friend was next to her.When they finished the ceremony&just before they closed the casket the wife said"Wait a minute and placed the money in the casket!" Her friend said"Girl I know you weren't fool enough to put all the money in there with him."The loyal wife said"listen I am a Christian,I can't go back on my word,I promised him I was going to put that money in with him."You mean to tell me you put ALL that money in the casket with him?"her friend said ."I sure did said the wife."I got it all together,put it into my account&wrote him a cheque.If he can cash it he can spend it"

2006-10-12 09:36:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you pay for to get done, but you always leave it behind?

2006-10-12 09:29:21 · 4 answers · asked by chris c 3

when ur b**ls are slapping off her a**e you know ur in,definetly

2006-10-12 09:27:04 · 5 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

Lil' Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... thatll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest wanker she's ever seen...it's huge for such a small kid. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his wanker.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it." Johnny says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

2006-10-12 09:24:23 · 9 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other biatch who entered when you did.

3) Mutter "Sluut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skaank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that ***** who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the biatch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the biatch who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!

2006-10-12 09:23:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://koutuk.blogspot.com/2006/10/last-cigerrete.html

2006-10-12 09:20:52 · 6 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Can you read these right the first time?
1-The bandage was WOUND around the WOUND
2-The farm was used to PRODUCE PRODUCE
3-The dunp was so full that it had to REFUSE REFUSE
4-We must POLISH the POLISH furniture
5-He could LEAD if he would get the LEAD out
6-The soldier decided to DESERT his DESSERT in the DESERT
7-Since there is no time like the PRESENT he thought it was time to PRESENT the PRESENT
8-A BASS was painted on the head of the BASS drum
9-I did not OBJECT to the OBJECT
10-The insurance was VALID for the INVALID
11-There was a ROW among the oarsmen about who would ROW
12-They were too CLOSE to the door to CLOSE it
13-The buck DOES funny things when the DOES are present
14-A seamstress and a SEWER fell down into a SEWER
15-The WIND was too strong to WIND the sail
16-Upon seeing the TEAR in the painting I shall shed a TEAR
17-I had to SUBJECT the SUBJECT to a series of tests
18- How can I INTIMATE this to the most INTIMATE friend.

2006-10-12 09:16:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the funniest thing you can say using the word "HEAD"? First answer to make me laugh out loud gets 10 Points.

2006-10-12 09:14:58 · 8 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

A farmer has a chicken, a bag of rice and a fox. He needs to take them across a river, but he can only take one at a time over and back...the problem is if he was to take the rice 1st he would come back and see that the fox had eating the chicken. If he took the fox over 1st he would also come back to find that the chicken had ate the rice. Therefore how does the farmer take all 3 across without having any of them missing? (p.s. farmer cant take no more than ONE item with him on each occasion)

2006-10-12 09:12:43 · 12 answers · asked by chris c 3

As he's hanging there on the cross, the local women are below crying for him.
Jesus lifts his head and sees Judas at the back of the crowd,with his dying breath, Jesus calls Judas up to him.
Judas comes forward and says "i'm sorry my lord i betrayed you" Jesus answers "i forgive you"
"Now Judas take the nails out of my feet"
"I can't master i betrayed you" replies Judas
"I'll forgive you, now take the nails from my feet"
So Judas does as Jesus says and pulls the nails out
"Is there anything else my lord" Judas asks
Jesus says "one more thing Judas, take a step back and bow your head and say a final prayer for me"
Judas does this, and as he lowers his head Jesus swings his legs back and kicks Judas in the face
Judas says "why did you do that?"
Jesus answers "Because you're a grassing basta*d"

2006-10-12 09:10:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man walking along California beach deep in prayer.All of a sudden he said out loud "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded over&in a booming voice the Lord said,"Because you have tried to be faithfull to me in all ways,I will grant you a wish."The man said"Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want. Lord said "your request is materialistic.Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.Supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!The concrete&steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take more time&think of another wish,a wish you think would honour&glorify me.The man thought for a long time;finally he said "Lord,I wish that I could understand women.I want to know how they feel inside,what they are thinking when I get the silent treatment,why they cry,what they mean when they say'nothing';how I can make a women truly happy." The Lord replied,"Do you want lights on that bridge?"

2006-10-12 09:04:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 09:01:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Walk

2006-10-12 08:58:32 · 10 answers · asked by How e' ye Horse 2

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2006-10-12 08:44:37 · 18 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

the NASA soon discovered that ball point pens dont work well in outer space they did 10 years of hard work and spent lots of billions and discovered a pen wich can write in 0 gravity
but they got a doubt what the russians used in the outer space and to their surprise they came to know that the russians used pencils

2006-10-12 08:15:36 · 11 answers · asked by Sai♥Pranav 3

ego

2006-10-12 08:08:01 · 25 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

2006-10-12 08:07:11 · 14 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5