Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The Differences between Men and Women



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

2006-10-12 08:01:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer:
one....
he just stands there and holds the bulb while the whole world revolves around him!!...LOL

2006-10-12 07:58:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 07:56:38 · 11 answers · asked by Bruza 17/uk 3

If it takes a man an hour to wash himself...then what does it take to dry himself?

2006-10-12 07:53:57 · 19 answers · asked by chris c 3

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

And Another

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

2006-10-12 07:53:05 · 12 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man


1. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

Send

2006-10-12 07:47:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Always invisible, yet never out of sight. What are they?

I´ll post the answer in 30 mins... good luck
PS anyone whos heard this before don´t post the answer you´ll ruin it for everyone else... thanx

2006-10-12 07:44:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 07:44:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

2006-10-12 07:42:36 · 8 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Bet this lasts five seconds!

2006-10-12 07:42:07 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
Daddy longlegs he replied
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain crap in our garden."

2006-10-12 07:33:58 · 43 answers · asked by postypaul 3

and don't say "this one", that is sooooo lame. Anyone who says "this one" deserves a swift kick in the shorts for not having any origionality.

2006-10-12 07:30:07 · 8 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

2006-10-12 07:28:28 · 37 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

The other day I thought, this music sounds good....

2006-10-12 07:23:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,






(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops........

2006-10-12 07:22:30 · 19 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

A small boy lived in a large flat with 32 floors.
He lived on the 32nd floor and every day when he went out he would go down to the ground floor using the lift the leave. When he got back he would go to the 16th floor then use the stairs up to 32nd. Why did he do this?
(all the buttons worked)

2006-10-12 07:14:46 · 18 answers · asked by speshal_wun 1

there was this man, he had a horse named "Dick", he decided to go to the woods one day and gather some pecans, so he hitched up his horse with a satchel and started off to the woods. well upon leaveing the woods he caught a wild chicken, which they called a c**k in that day, so he put the c**k under his arm, he continued from the woods, where he had to cross a bridge. while on this bridge he met a guy that was coming to gather pecans as well, so the man asked him did he have any luck finding good ones, well the man replyed, sure let me show you some, forgetting that the c**k was under his arm, he raised it and the c**k went running away. The man then told the other, well if you would hold my "Dick", while I catch my c**k, I'll show you what size nuts I have.


So, was that a good joke or not?

2006-10-12 07:09:39 · 23 answers · asked by chris f 1

find out by taking this riddle quiz then post your score here (don´t lie about it or you´re diminishing the whole point)
i got 8 out of 10 (80%)
good luck
http://www.justriddlesandmore.com/quiz5/quiz5.html

2006-10-12 07:08:03 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont bother to tell me, if you havn't here it comes

A cowboy was wanted and a description went out for his capture, His name is Brown Paper Pete and he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, brown paper jeans , a brown paper holster, brown paper spurs and brown paper boots.

He was wanted for rustling.....he he

2006-10-12 07:06:39 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

2006-10-12 06:46:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 06:41:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Little Johnny Jokes"


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"


"No," said his mom, "of course not."


Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

2006-10-12 06:33:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was George Bush ,Rice,and Dick C. in a private plane.Bush saids''If I throw a 1000 dollar bill out the window I will make somebody happy''.Rice said''If I threw 10 ...100 dollar bills I would make 10 people happy''.Dick C. said if I threw 100 dollar bills I'll make 100 people happy''.So the polite said''If he threw all 3 out he would make 56 million people happy''.

2006-10-12 06:31:27 · 9 answers · asked by Da..KINGizHeRe!! 3

3 women in front of a firing squad (you know who).
As the officer yells " ready, aim " the brunette yells "tornado" and escapes during the turmoil.
As the officer starts again, the redhead yells " flood " and she too escapes.
Now the blonde has figured out their strategy. When the officer yells " ready, aim " the blonde yells " fire "

2006-10-12 06:31:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy goes into a bar and asks for 5 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks "wow, whats the special occassion?" and he responds "Oh, I'm celebrating my first bl*w job!"

The bartender says "well, hell, congratulations! let me buy you another shot on the house!"

Theman says "no thanks, if 5 won't get the taste out of mouth, nothing will!"

Eew...

2006-10-12 06:31:05 · 18 answers · asked by Kathy S 2

2006-10-12 06:29:22 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

day has come, yet night still lays, what time is it of the day?

note-i made this up, so you got to use your brains!!

2006-10-12 06:28:21 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill.

Who do you think got it? Whoever gives the correct answer first, gets 10 points.

2006-10-12 06:25:11 · 14 answers · asked by Electric 7

Make it a quick one. Doesn't matter if its dirty or not.

2006-10-12 06:23:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

2006-10-12 06:21:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous