Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

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2006-10-11 20:48:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-11 20:40:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Enclosed in paper from head to toe Pull me apart the smaller I grow Many tears have been shed Even though I make sure you are fed. What am I?

2006-10-11 20:31:53 · 23 answers · asked by slider 1

nice belt.


lame I know

2006-10-11 20:02:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why are the soldiers always so tired on the first of April?
A: Because it's after 31 days of March!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

What possesses a pen but has no ink?

Good luck! :)

2006-10-11 19:35:01 · 5 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Have you observed that the answers that start as "That's a loaded question..." get the best answer award more often?

Why is it so?

Is this a loaded question? Loaded with what? ********? (I typed the stars out, they don't mean a thang)

2006-10-11 19:28:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Hi, is this pew taken?

9. My prayers are answered.

8. What's a charismatic like you, doing in a mainline place like this?

7. How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?

6. Hi, angel!

5. Don't worry, I'm attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.

4. I'm Episcopalian. What's YOUR sign?

3. I think you're sitting on my Bible.

2. Read any good Bible passages lately?

1. So, Do you worship here often?

2006-10-11 19:21:26 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-10-11 19:20:49 · 4 answers · asked by kongarapu s 1

2006-10-11 18:36:08 · 13 answers · asked by SunShineBabe 3

I need to know, if you know it then say it, if you don't then don't even bother guessing. Thanks!

2006-10-11 17:08:05 · 8 answers · asked by Brandon 3

2006-10-11 17:04:21 · 9 answers · asked by thelma_shane 2

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

"I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

2006-10-11 16:58:32 · 4 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

2006-10-11 16:53:59 · 9 answers · asked by mswathi1025 4

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

2006-10-11 16:23:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was driving down the road and saw a sign that said " The sisters of St. Francis Cat House 10 miles ahead on right" the man thought to himself, "that can't be right" he kept driving and he saw another sign that said it again only 5 miles, "I must be seeing that wrong" he said to himself, then another sign came by and said Turn right ahead for The sisters of St. Francis Cat House the man thought well i am going to see what this is, so he pulls up to what looks like a big convent, he goes to the door and says " iwould like to take part in your services today" the nun opens the door wide and says come on in, give your money to the lady at the window and walk back to the back room and go on in. so he gives the nun his money and walks back and opens the door, to his surprise he is outside again and sees at sign that reads " YOU JUST BEEN F***ED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS"

I LOVE THAT ONE...

2006-10-11 16:22:09 · 11 answers · asked by nascar_cr8zy 4

She brought her boyfriends balls.

2006-10-11 16:13:28 · 7 answers · asked by schlepp 2

2006-10-11 16:12:56 · 11 answers · asked by not2shabby abby 2

1) Having lost his donkey, a man got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "YOUR DONKEY IS MISSING;WHAT ARE YOU THANKING GOD FOR?" The man said, "I'm thanking him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

2)Q. 'Have you ever read Shakespeare?'
A. Santa 'NO, who wrote it ?'

3)Banta and Santa were walking outside when Santa said, "OH, look at the DEAD BIRD."
Banta looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

4)Santa: My wife is an angel.
Banta: Lucky you.Mine's still alive.

5)Q. 'Why are married women heavier than single women?'
A. 'Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.'

2006-10-11 16:06:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saint Peter told him to sit and wait in the lobby and he would be with him shorty. Puzzled the Priest took his seat. Little while later a small old lady appears before the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greets her and welcomes he in. Short time after that a little girl holding her dog appears and once again Saint Peter welcomes her right in. Some time later a dirty ol' truck driver walks up and he too is allowed immediatly into Heaven. The Priest can't take this anymore and asks Saint Peter. The Priest says "look Saint Peter I have been a man of the cloth for 20 years and I am made to take a seat, why have these others been allowed in before me?" Saint Peter explains: "You see that little old lady had a pure heart and dedicated herself to being the kind person God wanted her to be, the little girl is a child and holds a special place in God's heart, her dog is one of God's creatures and is without sin, and that truck driver scared the Hell outa more people in 10 years than you in have in 20

2006-10-11 16:02:15 · 6 answers · asked by schlepp 2

There he was
sitting next to her
she looked him in the eyes
she knew it was going to hurt
he said is this your first time
she nodded, she said yes
he said don't worry i´ll be gentle
she said please not to hard
then after they were done he pulled it out
she was bleeding and she was sore
he went to get some cotton
to put it on the hole
at the end she said, thank you for making my first time getting a tooth pulled out easy..

How many of you did the last line just knock out of rhythm? XD

2006-10-11 15:56:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Said by an American

2006-10-11 15:52:17 · 18 answers · asked by softballmoosey79 2

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

2006-10-11 15:48:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Irish challenged the English army to a fight on their home ground. The English showed up to find just one lone Irish man on top of a hill. He shouted to the English "send up 10 of your best men and I'll kick their bloody a$$e$!" 10 English men rush the hill and chase the Irish man over the top. The Irish man standing on top of the hill once more says "tis that the best you got- send me your 100 best soldiers and I'll kick their bloody English a$$e$ as well!" 100 more English rush the hill and disapear over the top. Moments late the Irish man yells down "give me 1000 of your best fighters if you dare!" 1000 more rush up the hill to take out this Irish scoundrel. The English waiting below can't believe the battle they here taking place. One of the thousand escape and in his dying breath yells down- "don't send any more it's a trap, there are two Irish men over here!"

2006-10-11 15:46:03 · 7 answers · asked by schlepp 2

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?

2006-10-11 15:45:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

2006-10-11 15:39:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"

2006-10-11 15:37:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''

2006-10-11 15:35:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three men standing on a staircase, directly behind each other, each wearing a colored beany. There are five beanies, three blue and two red. The man on the top says 'I don't know the color of my beany.' The man directly ahead of him ponders for a bit and then says 'I don't know the color of my beany, either.' The man at the bottom also thinks for a while, and then says 'I know the color of my beany.' What is the color, and how does the bottom man know the color?

2006-10-11 15:35:41 · 6 answers · asked by johnala 3

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

2006-10-11 15:34:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mudpit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

2006-10-11 15:32:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous