Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

2006-10-11 09:41:28 · 7 answers · asked by L!LO 4

2006-10-11 09:35:48 · 28 answers · asked by greg w 1

Guess my number!!
It is between 10 and 100, it does NOT end in 3, or 100 x 5/10
answer - 36 /2
it is an odd number
it is higher than the quarter of the double of a hundred.
It is lower than the double of the quarter of 200 - 40.
It is NOT 51

2006-10-11 09:31:15 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats Greater than God, More evil than the devil, something rich people want, and something poor people have...?

Goodluck!

2006-10-11 09:30:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Michael J Fox has a little one
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a huge one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one, but doesn't need it

What is it?

2006-10-11 09:29:28 · 20 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

find out how good you are at solving riddles by taking this test... its fun and only takes 2 minutes.... come back and tell us how you did (don´t lie)
i got 50%
http://www.justriddlesandmore.com/riddleiq.html

2006-10-11 09:27:42 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-11 09:26:48 · 15 answers · asked by MaddyZ 2

2006-10-11 09:21:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

2006-10-11 09:18:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl asks her mother about mens'willies' the mother described them as TREES!! In his 20's it's like a Oak,mighty and strong..In his 30's & 40's its like a Birch.flexiable but reliable..After he's 50 it's like a xmas tree, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration only

2006-10-11 09:11:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

2006-10-11 09:09:37 · 14 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

There is a boat in the water... on the side of the boat there is a ladder... on the ladder there is 6 rungs.... each rung is exactly 1 foot (12 inches) apart from the next rung.... the last rung is exactly 1 foot from the water.
The tide is rising exactly 6 inches every 45 minutes.... how many rungs will be under water in 4 hours?
First one to get this riddle right gets 10 points.... I´ll post the answer here in 20 minutes

2006-10-11 09:07:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a ********.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

2006-10-11 09:05:32 · 22 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

2006-10-11 09:05:03 · 10 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

2006-10-11 08:48:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-11 08:37:49 · 7 answers · asked by mohit 1

Pinnochios girlfriend says to him "Everytime we make love i get splinters" So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto for advice "Sandpaper my boy that's all you need"...Few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio "So how you doing with the girls now" he asks..Pinnochio says "who needs girls"

2006-10-11 08:29:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brain teaser for you,


Mrs. Pitt's new telephone number, together with the area code is a ten digit number consisting of:

a pair of 9's seperated by one digit.
a pair of 6's seperated by two digits.
a pair of 5's and a pair of 4's both seperated by three digits.
a pair of 2's seperated by five digits.
Neither the sixth digit nor the ninth digit is a 4.
What is her new phone number?

2006-10-11 08:19:57 · 10 answers · asked by Zeke_911 1

* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

2006-10-11 08:12:40 · 14 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A Frenchman walks into a pub, sits near the counter and is about to order a drink when he notices a camel in a corner.
Surprised and very curious he asks the owner: 'I am sorry, what's that animal doing here?'
The landlord smiles, takes out a baseball bat from under the counter, approches the camel, hits it hard on the head and the poor creature starts giving him a BL0WJ0B...
After he is done with it, the owner walks towards the Frenchman, still holding the bat in his hand, and asks him: 'Wanna have a go?'
To which the man, very excited, replies: 'Of course, but there is no need to bash my with that thing!!'

2006-10-11 08:01:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can

2006-10-11 07:45:15 · 15 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

2006-10-11 07:43:39 · 14 answers · asked by Just Me 4

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember your things,
thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For
those of you just boarding, remember, there is no
smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b**** in the kitchen

2006-10-11 07:43:17 · 17 answers · asked by L!LO 4

I want a scary story. something on the verge of the grudge, haunted house. it could be a story u heard or anything. i just wanna be scared. do your best and ill give u best answer..

2006-10-11 07:39:07 · 13 answers · asked by Love is Patient, Love is Kind ♥ 4

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond women wave at him and say hello. He was rather taken back,because he couldnt place where he knew her from. So he says, do you know me? To which she replies, I think your one of the fathers to my kids.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has been unfaithfull to his wife and says, my god are the stripper from my bachelor party that i laid on the pool table with all my buddies whatching,while your partner whipped my butt with wett celery??? She looked into his eyes and calmly says, No, im your sons math teacher.

2006-10-11 07:38:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2006-10-11 07:31:36 · 31 answers · asked by Just Me 4

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

2006-10-11 07:27:02 · 9 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A teacher was doing a study testing the sences of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavors. With each color they ate, he would ask the children what it tasted like.

The childern began to say, Red.........cherry Yellow.......lemon Green..........lime Orange......orange

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavors. After eating them. None of the children could identfy the taste. Well, he said i will give you a clue...its what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy.

One liitle girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesavor out and yelled, oh my god thier a**holes!!!

2006-10-11 07:25:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

2006-10-11 07:18:30 · 9 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Eddie goes into the same bar every friday and has the same drink... so friday comes and he walks in and the bartender says "the usual Eddie"?... Eddie replys "my name is Lucky Eddie now" so the bartender ask why... Eddie tells him "well last tuesday i was at the bus stop at my usual time when i remembered i had to get the missus cigarettes so i ran into the shop and when i came out there had been a disaster.... the bus had mounted the curb and killed everyone at the bus stop... if i was there i´d have been killed too", So the bartender says "jayzus Eddie you ARE lucky", Eddie has his drink and leaves.
The next friday he goes in again and the bartender says " hi lucky Eddie, the usual is it"? Eddie replys "my name is Lucky, Lucky Eddie now" so the bartender asks.. "why?.. whats happened now?" So Eddie tells him... "well me and the missus where going on holidays and we were at the airport when she realised she forgot her passport so we missed our plane...

2006-10-11 07:16:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous