Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

2006-10-11 07:13:03 · 12 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

2006-10-11 07:11:08 · 15 answers · asked by BNLCy 2

A pirate walks into a bar with a sterring wheel attached to his penis. The bartender asked him " whats with the sterring wheel".
the pirate says " aaaaarrrrrrr its driving me nuts".

2006-10-11 07:08:54 · 22 answers · asked by JESUS V 1

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

2006-10-11 07:08:52 · 4 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

It's a riddle

2006-10-11 07:06:46 · 14 answers · asked by Amy 1

mick goes into a bar at the top of the empire state building.... he sits at the bar and orders a pint of guinness. The guy sitting next to him orders a pint of the same, knocks it back in one then runs to the window and jumps out! 2 minutes later the same guy walks back into the bar with not a scratch on him. Mick is amazed and asks how the man did this... the guy says that its the bubbles in the guinness, they make you float... he says he´ll do it again to prove it... so he orders another guinness and does the same thing again, knocks it back, jumps out the window then walks back into the bar 2 minutes later. So mick decides he´s gonna try this trick... he knocks back his guinness runs over and jumps out the window... and splats dead on the ground below!
The bartender says "My god superman.. you´re an awful git when you´re drunk".

2006-10-11 07:04:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

it begins with an E, ends with an E, but has only one letter. What is it? (you'll think it's crap, but I kinda like it!)

2006-10-11 06:57:24 · 23 answers · asked by Cec 1

A woman calls 999 and starts screaming at the operator:
'Help,please,help...my husband is not breathing...I think he is dead...what can I do...what can I do???'
'Ok, calm down now...take a deep breath...first of all you have to tell us what you see...make sure you know 100% he is not breathing'
Silence...then the sound of a gunshot...
Then the voice of the woman who says:
'Just shot him in the head,definitely not brething now....now what?'

2006-10-11 06:56:37 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Introduced to me one night after a few too many drinks along with other little tongue twisters was my favorite....

One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart."....Yeah. You can read it just fine, but say it aloud. You'll mess it up. :o) But it's fun.

And if you don't mess it up, have a few shots of Crown. :o)

2006-10-11 06:56:34 · 3 answers · asked by Barbi 4

A Blood Clot.


and yes i know this isn't a question, its an answer.

2006-10-11 06:47:32 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

What's black then white then black then white then black then white then black then white, so on and so forth.

What has two heads, two arms, and six legs.

2006-10-11 06:44:03 · 11 answers · asked by Darkshine 2

U r going in a car which can accomodate one more passenger. U stop at a bus stand, where u see:
1) A deceased old woman who needs to be taken to the hospital.
2) Your best friend who badly needs the car.
3) The love of ur life.
WHOM WOULD YOU OFFER THE LIFT??

2006-10-11 06:28:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats red and stupid.

2006-10-11 06:28:11 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

I posted this joke a few days ago and someone reported me for violating because it wasn't a question. As if all the posts here in the jokes section are questions. It was obvious they were offended and wanted to get me. Apparently they get to decide what is offensive or not. I did warn people in the previous post that it might offend them. So this time I asked you if you want to hear a joke that might offend you. If you do, them read below.

A pedophile and a little girl are walking in the forest. The little girl says "it sure is dark out here, I'm scared." The pedophile responds "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

I know, I know, this is a sick joke. But I did warn you.

2006-10-11 06:23:31 · 12 answers · asked by Take it from Toby 7

I have heard scandelous and untrue statements made about this delicious and festive Holloween candy. It is deliecious, chewy, colorful, mellow and exudes a sense of joy and wonder. I believe that it should be vice president of the United States. Any comments?

2006-10-11 06:22:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

2006-10-11 06:22:31 · 12 answers · asked by Cinds 1

2006-10-11 06:19:47 · 18 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

a flat chested woman goes shopping for a new bra.
she goes into several shops askin for a size 28 a, but has no luck.
she eventually finds a small lingerie shop run by an old deaf woman.
she asks her for a size 28a, the old lady asks the woman" what was that dear?"
the woman lifts up her top, "have you got anything for these?"



an oldie but still a goodie!!! x
the old lady looks at them and says " no dear, have you tried Clearasil?"

2006-10-11 06:06:57 · 29 answers · asked by Mrs Chicagosgirl!! 5

Say TOY BOAT 8 times fast???

2006-10-11 05:58:03 · 20 answers · asked by angiebaby 2

The Irish hitch hiker that set out early, to avoid the traffic.

2006-10-11 05:27:55 · 27 answers · asked by brillo 3

when i lay my head to sleep,
i pray for a man who is not a creep,
one who is handsome, smart and strong,
one whos k n o b is thick and long.
one who will screw me until my body is twitchin,
in the hall, the garden or kitchen.
i pray that this man will love me no-end and never attempt to s h a g my best friend.
then as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the w a n k e r you sent me instead xx

2006-10-11 05:27:11 · 18 answers · asked by Mrs Chicagosgirl!! 5

Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill):
"Sir, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill (in reply):
"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."

2006-10-11 05:12:12 · 14 answers · asked by angel.2u@home 2

BiharDriving License...

================================================================

DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

------------------------------------------ -----------------------

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.

If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.

For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

2. phust name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yourj: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leabe blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :

____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje

provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

2006-10-11 05:06:36 · 17 answers · asked by tejas_fundo 3

2006-10-11 05:00:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is one of those stupid Quiz's on TV and I have the question and the answer and I can't work out how on earth they got there.

Anyone any ideas??

The riddle is:
--------------------------
Four times three =

12 x 5 + 7 =

15 - 9 =

Add all the numbers!
----------------------------

Ok? Well the answer is apparently 2339 but I can't work it out - anyone fancy a challenge??

2006-10-11 04:58:17 · 13 answers · asked by Monkeyface 1

Insert the two missing words in the sentence given below to make it sober and sensible with a condition that if one of the letter is to be ommitted from each inserted word,such a way that the new words thus formed should make the sober sentence to a dirty or Vulger one!!

_,_,_,_,_,_,_,_,_, ladies got impressed with my amazingly big and functional _,_,_,_,_!

2006-10-11 04:51:46 · 4 answers · asked by Tickler 5

What has one head and three hands?? (",)

2006-10-11 04:48:19 · 12 answers · asked by DiL 3

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

----------------------

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

2006-10-11 04:43:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Kiss like no other Kiss~ Have you ever found that Kiss yet?
And if you did what did you do with it?

2006-10-11 04:40:07 · 7 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

There are 6 Dots set-up as so:


* * *

* * *


Now, try to connect one dot to ther others, then the second dot to the others, then the third and so on... by using lines, curves, twists, or whatever to make it happen.



I am not sure what this puzzle is called, but if you know the name, please tell me! TY if you have a solution that would be appreciated too!

BTW, only einstein was the first to solve it!

2006-10-11 04:38:52 · 5 answers · asked by Raushan P 2