Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pu*sy."

2006-10-11 15:29:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

2006-10-11 15:24:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you get this right- I will name you best answer for sure. :)

2006-10-11 15:24:07 · 29 answers · asked by BeautyMark 2

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2006-10-11 15:21:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

2006-10-11 15:18:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man catches a lady walking one night and decides to talk to her and get to know her,he walks up to her and talks to her,she then says,just go away you won't be interested in me anyways,just please leave me alone,the man says But baby whats not to like about you I see nothing on you that people don't need to starte and look at beauty,then the lady shouts you wouldn't understand and you wouldn't...The man kisses her and she decides to go to his house so they could get it on in the bedroom,the lady after a few moments befor taking out underclothes she pushes the man aside and say"I don't feel right with you" and the man replies whats wrong wit me,the girl says it's not you it's me,then the man says what is it then,and she says you wouldn't like me anymore if I told you,he holds her and says "baby I would always love you no matter what",then she whispers OK,and stands up and reveal her true self and says, "I'm not a lady,I'm a man"...
Now tell me what happens next........

2006-10-11 15:10:15 · 8 answers · asked by Lissa305 4

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

2006-10-11 15:09:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a chinese went to change some chinese currency in a money changer in the US. the first time he changed USD$100 for RMB800.

on the second day, he returned and wanted to change for another USD$100. But this time round he got RMB750

he asked the money changer for the reason of the difference and the money changer replied: ' Fluctuations'

the chinese man was so angry and he stormed out of the shop and before he leaves, he said: 'F.u.c.k u americans too!!'

2006-10-11 14:27:45 · 15 answers · asked by hiro 2

A well accomplished detective enters a cabin in a secluded resort in Arizona. He finds that the door and windows have been locked from the inside. He also finds a 5'6 man hanging from a noose from a 9 foot ceiling in the center of the room where all the furniture has been moved into another room. There is nothing else in the room except a pool of water on the floor. What happened?

2006-10-11 14:25:55 · 7 answers · asked by missmozee 3

So there was this guy named micheal hunt.... but he liked to call him self Mike...
Mike Hunt :D
HI my name is Micheal Hunt.. but you can call me Mike :D

i know i have no life but i think it's funny

2006-10-11 14:25:52 · 2 answers · asked by fersitf 4

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

2006-10-11 14:11:45 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Heres what I came up with, but feel free to beat this one:

14, one to screw in the lightbulb, three to make sure that the lightbulb complies with EEOC and OSHA regulations, four to offer psychological counseling to the burned-out lightbulb, and six to circulate petitions demanding that electricity be banned and replaced by candles made of organically-grown soy beans.

2006-10-11 14:04:10 · 10 answers · asked by college_republicans_club 2

A man is found dead in the desert. It was not a murder. There was no sign of cuts strangling or bullet wounds. H was found face down with no signs of struggle. What happened?

2006-10-11 13:54:36 · 22 answers · asked by babe girl 2

2006-10-11 13:30:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Children Writing About The Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age
6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)


4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy

age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle

to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big

sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age

6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can

give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I

think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)


12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers

can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8



13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was

going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up

her fanny. (Julie age 7)

2006-10-11 13:17:14 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

While living in FL I won a trivia bonus question with this answer a few years ago out with friends in a pub.........

2006-10-11 13:16:19 · 3 answers · asked by tharnpfeffa 6

The sound of screeching brakes and everyone turns to see an unfortunate hare getting run over by a bus, a crowd starts to gather around the scene unsure what to do, a man steps foward pulls a bottle from his rucksack and proceeds to spray the contents on the hare, seconds pass and everyone wonders what the hell he's doing, then all of a sudden the hare jumps up and legs it down the road everyone turns to watch it go, a few hundred yards it stops turns and waves at them then continues on another few hundred yards stops and waves, it continues this until it disappears out of sight, the crowd turns to the man with the rucksack, "what the **** did you spray on that thing?" He holds up the bottle, the label reads: Hair revival with a permanent wave....

2006-10-11 13:13:56 · 22 answers · asked by Trina 3

Sweet as sugar
Cold as ice
Sour as a lemon
Funny but nice

What am I?

2006-10-11 13:10:48 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-10-11 13:10:26 · 3 answers · asked by ashley b 1

2006-10-11 13:10:08 · 11 answers · asked by handynewf 2

A man was found dead in his car. He was shot . Though the car came untouched not a strach, bullet shot, or a broken glass anywhere. How can this be?

2006-10-11 13:07:54 · 13 answers · asked by babe girl 2

2006-10-11 12:58:47 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-11 12:56:03 · 28 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

2006-10-11 12:55:42 · 18 answers · asked by Bob 1

i do! heres mine!! (i got it from comedycentral.com)
A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."

2006-10-11 12:50:51 · 9 answers · asked by LoLa 3

2006-10-11 12:46:12 · 6 answers · asked by LoLa 3

................................................................................................................ Get It?

2006-10-11 12:45:42 · 7 answers · asked by nafarius333 2

A guy bet his neighbor $100 dollars that his dog could jump higher than a house. Thinking this not possible, the neighbor took the bet an lost.
Why did he lose the bet?

2006-10-11 12:43:15 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

2006-10-11 12:22:01 · 13 answers · asked by chuchi 1

my friend told me this joke so i wanted to share it:


Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

2006-10-11 12:17:58 · 20 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3