Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."
Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie."

''Actually, I come in all sizes."

With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"

"No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.

After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.

Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?''

Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy ****-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?"

"Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."

2006-10-12 02:37:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim, Fred, and Jack were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story mess.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 floors to get to their room.
Jack said to Jim and Fred: "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 floors, Jim can sing songs for another 25, and Fred can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Jack stopped telling jokes, and Jim began singing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing, and Fred began to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story first," he said.

"I LEFT THE ROOM KEY IN THE CAR."

2006-10-12 02:25:35 · 28 answers · asked by Pd 6

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

2006-10-12 02:21:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

2006-10-12 02:12:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

that you can have in your pocket without actually having exact change for a dollar? Break it down for me with pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half-dollars, etc. First one to answer correctly will get a quick and easy 10 points.

2006-10-12 02:05:49 · 6 answers · asked by mancrib 2

Husband and wife are asleep when ther is a knock on the door, Husband goes and answers the door, man at the door says can you give me a push,
after a few choice words the man is sent packing, Husband goes back up stairs and the wife says that was not very nice what if it had been you.. So the husband goes back down stairs opens the front door and shouts ok i will give you a push where are you, comes a voice out of the darkness "over here on the swing"

2006-10-12 02:02:28 · 17 answers · asked by mark m 3

I used to have a cat when I was younger , but one day it clawed me and drew blood . I picked the cat up and threw it against the wall . It is still not right to this day when it makes any noise at all it sounds like " W-O-E-M " , and it also walks backwards !!!

2006-10-12 01:06:11 · 20 answers · asked by rocknrod04 4

2006-10-12 01:05:54 · 26 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

2006-10-12 01:05:34 · 4 answers · asked by ray t 1

A baby was born with no eyelids . The doctor told the family that he had only 1 suggestion for a course of action .He told the parents that he could use the skin from the babies circumcision to try and make some eyelids . The parents agreed and now the baby is just a little c_ck-eyed !!!!!!

2006-10-12 01:00:18 · 14 answers · asked by rocknrod04 4

1.
LADY IN PET STORE:Have u got any kittens going cheap?
CLERK: No, ma'am. All our kittens go "meow".

2.
DOCTOR:You really need glasses.
PATIENT:I'm already wearing glasses.
DOCTOR:In that case, I need glasses.

2006-10-12 00:59:28 · 52 answers · asked by girly 1

2006-10-12 00:54:05 · 7 answers · asked by ray t 1

i like nothing!!!

2006-10-12 00:48:37 · 10 answers · asked by Chinmayi 2

i like nothing?

2006-10-12 00:47:19 · 9 answers · asked by Chinmayi 2

2006-10-12 00:41:47 · 24 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

There is a competition on to win £10.000.The man ask's the barman what do you have to do to win?Barman says, 'down a pint of vodka,rip a rooten tooth out the dog and shag my grannie,shes 96'.Three other lads tried and failed.He decides to give it ago.After 30mins he returns, 'right then' he says.'I've downed a pint of vodka and shagged the dog,wheres the grannie that needs a tooth out'?

2006-10-12 00:27:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 00:27:24 · 30 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

George Bush dies and goes to Hell. The Devil is somewhat worried, "Mr. Bush, we really have no vacancy at present, but I can't even send you to heaven, so I give you a choice, if YOU come to Hell, someone else has to go. Your decision here."

So, Bush is shown a freezing chamber where Condoleeza Rice is strolling naked. "No, I be mad to live in this colditude. Show me someplace else."

Next chamber, he's shown a boiling cauldron with Tony Blair simmering. "Noooo...not this please".

After crossing Colin Powell and Richard Armitrage next, Bush enters a chamber where Bill Clinton is romancing Monica Lewinsky, in a BATH TUB. The ambience is perfect for a honeymoon setting, and Bush couldn't believe THIS was Hell.

Bush: "I wanna be HERE, and here only, no place else, please ."

Devil: "Are you sure you wanna be here, I hope you don't change your mind LATER?"

Bush: "No, I won't change me mind. Please lemme be here now."




Devil: "Okay MONICA, you're free to leave now"

2006-10-12 00:26:19 · 34 answers · asked by quilm 3

The statement is "Why mess with imperfection?". I need something funny and school-appropriate as a response, if ya could.

2006-10-12 00:01:34 · 14 answers · asked by gui1tysp4rk 2

what did shaq say to kobe when kobe went one on one with chris rock?
chris rock also had ball possesion

a:"kobe can you foul him already so he can stop talking and so that you can wait for the 2nd airball when he takes his 2nd freethrow"


here's another one

what did a foolish kid say when his teacher asked him how many archangels are there

a:sir,uhhhhhhhh........................many!



1last

knock knock
who is there
hu
hu who
hu you


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whew that was very tiring

2006-10-11 22:57:38 · 12 answers · asked by zo 3

2006-10-11 22:55:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

That's were you have to see me in a Bikini on south beach, then you don't feel like eating for about a week.

2006-10-11 22:52:58 · 4 answers · asked by The REVJim Jones 1

Your dating ad has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answer!

Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture?

2006-10-11 22:36:21 · 16 answers · asked by Crystal 2

My toast was burnt this morning.... was that a liberal anti-American conspiracy too?

2006-10-11 22:35:59 · 9 answers · asked by rabble rouser 6

2006-10-11 22:30:22 · 11 answers · asked by A1bear 3

I'm bored so tell me a joke. Dirty ones are okay.

2006-10-11 22:21:56 · 8 answers · asked by Too Cool For Me 4

2006-10-11 22:12:33 · 6 answers · asked by A1bear 3

i am trying to make a decision and i promise to decide according to your votes. ALL i need is you to write me with alphabet letter you like between N and M. SON IF YOU ARE SAYING N JUS GIVE ME N as the answer if you like M just do the same.

2006-10-11 21:31:35 · 21 answers · asked by jollybear 3

what are the best insults and/or putdowns that you know?

2006-10-11 21:11:28 · 12 answers · asked by matt l 1

To some a bloated ball of gas,
To others I'm a king,
I'll stare you down with one red eye
Or fry you with lightning.

2006-10-11 20:57:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous