Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

united had been playing away so the City fans went to the station to welcome home the united fans,after an hour "we have the situation under control" said the police spokesman at Euston

2006-10-12 20:45:34 · 11 answers · asked by ttopcat2005 3

how do i get my eyes to work together, one eye is always wondering about the other one is always looking for what to look at.?

2006-10-12 20:38:26 · 9 answers · asked by ganja 1

They are 100% certain that the perfectly mummified bodies are those of Adam and Eve. They were so well preserved that there is indisputable evidence that the first two humans on Earth have been found. Without cutting into Adam to see if he is missing a rib, How do they know?

2006-10-12 20:28:20 · 10 answers · asked by quitbeing 2

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

2006-10-12 20:03:52 · 13 answers · asked by ok 4

I was raised to protect
In a time when emperors ruled
Much evil did I deflect
Some say I'm a wonderous jewel.

What am I?

2006-10-12 19:55:58 · 18 answers · asked by slider 1

2006-10-12 19:48:40 · 14 answers · asked by PAT F 1

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What possesses a pen but has no ink?
A: A pig!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

What do you call it when an undertaker buries a body in the wrong place?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-12 19:30:35 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-10-12 19:22:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman meet at the elderly home. They decide later to meet in the supply closet and fool around.

The woman gets undressed, and says, "Now Larry, you have to be easy with me, I have acute angina."

To which Larry relies, "I hope so, because those are the ugliest boobs I've ever seen."



Get it???

2006-10-12 19:20:15 · 12 answers · asked by Lissa 3

2006-10-12 18:45:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

DEGAL, MOANAZ, KOYDEN, What do these letters make out??

2006-10-12 18:31:17 · 9 answers · asked by TinyLOKSTER 2

What color loves to go boating.....?

2006-10-12 18:27:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple...?

2006-10-12 18:26:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is always broken before it is eaten..?

2006-10-12 18:23:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

2006-10-12 18:23:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-12 18:22:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i start with an "e" and with an "e" and only contain one letter. what am i?

2006-10-12 18:22:16 · 17 answers · asked by i am the dream u r the dreamer 5

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.
What am I?

2006-10-12 18:15:43 · 11 answers · asked by Mr.Moo 4

Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being
a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper
thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:
from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

2006-10-12 18:12:31 · 11 answers · asked by Michael 5

The patient was very upset when the doctor told him he needed a tonsillectomy. Later, while filling out the admission form, the patient was so nervous he couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took his hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," he said, relieved. "Please continue."

"Good, now, "the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"

2006-10-12 18:08:08 · 2 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

this year, i m not going trick-or-treating. instead i m playing pranks on trick-or-treaters! wat r some pranks that r inexpensive, legal, amusing, and easy 2 do?

2006-10-12 18:07:39 · 7 answers · asked by Marie M 3

Question: Cory Lidle jokes? (The Yankee pitcher who crashed his plane Wednesday)
I've heard a couple Cory Lidle jokes today. Nothing really good. (Traded to the Angels etc.)
Anybody have some good ones?
The best will get the points. In case of a tie quantity will decide.

2006-10-12 17:59:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can actually here around 6 of them howelling in the woods near my house now. I want to go out for a walk or a nice midnight bikeride, but am afraid that they will tear me a new one. Should I go? Ps... If you say yes, I will keep you updated on my recovery.

2006-10-12 17:49:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......"Screw the preacher!"

2006-10-12 17:39:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need help!

2006-10-12 17:36:58 · 3 answers · asked by aya 2

I'm an animal that makes no sound.
Songs have been made about me.
Vegetarians will eat me.
I'm neither dead, nor alive.
Kids often play with me.
I may even taste sugary.

What am I?

2006-10-12 17:26:56 · 13 answers · asked by gurly_gurl230 2

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.

"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

Twenty few years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.

The elephant reached down... picked the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't the same elephant.

2006-10-12 17:25:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychology student decides to have a party, and invites lots of people telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes, "Theme Party".... Come as a Human Emotion.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

The guy says, "I am green with envy."

"That's brilliant" says the host, "come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to the woman, "Wow great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

"I am tickled pink" she replies.

"I love it" says the host "come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Truth guys, what the hell are you doing? What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm friggin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispear."

2006-10-12 17:21:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok some people might have seen this on blue coller tv so yeah.
ok, so this guy and his friend are hunting out in the woods while his wife is at home.
so his friend says "hey, i can see your house from here. your wife is cheating on you".
so the guy says "shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the private part"
and his friend says " hey i can get that in one shot!"

lol tell me what you think.

2006-10-12 17:19:44 · 5 answers · asked by i am the dream u r the dreamer 5

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

2006-10-12 17:07:34 · 5 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3