Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-13 06:05:18 · 3 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

ribtickler riddle

2006-10-13 06:03:55 · 2 answers · asked by ikeepgoing 1

2006-10-13 06:00:18 · 25 answers · asked by Miss_Ann_Throap 1

2006-10-13 05:58:15 · 34 answers · asked by jeffreygillespie16 1

2006-10-13 05:51:10 · 39 answers · asked by jeffreygillespie16 1

Why cant money grow on trees?

2006-10-13 05:50:26 · 17 answers · asked by ROBERT B 1

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"



The cats response: "FI I CK YOU!!!! "

2006-10-13 05:43:45 · 7 answers · asked by L!LO 4

2006-10-13 05:43:18 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three contractors . . . one from Italy , another from
Ireland and the third from Scotland are bidding to repair the
Parliament House fence.
They go with a Parliament House official to examine the fence.
The Irish contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run £900 . . . £400 for
materials, £400 for labor and £100 profit for me."
The Scottish contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says,"I can do this job for £700 . . . £300 for materials, £300 for
my crew and £100 profit for me."
The Italian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans
over to the Parliament House official and whispers: "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, replies:
"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come
up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" the Italian explains, "£1,000 for you,£1,000 for me
and we hire the guy from Scotland to do the work!

2006-10-13 05:43:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

......O
.....OO
....OOO
...OOOO

Try using coins. Can you make the triangle point down by moving only 3 of the coins? (ignore the dots, I used them to make the circles line up properly)

2006-10-13 05:32:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 05:32:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

. _ . _ . _
| _ | _ | _ |
| _ | _ |

Pretend the above lines are toothpicks. Can you remove 3 lines and leave 3 complete squares? You can not leave stray lines that are not part of a square. (ignore the 3 dots, that is the only way I could get the top lines to line up properly)

2006-10-13 05:27:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 05:22:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

9 9 9 9
You can add, subtract, multiply and divide to make those 4 9's total 100 even.

2006-10-13 05:20:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bag. He sits at the bar and pulls the items out: A necklace and a tiny man playing a piano.

"What is all of this?" the bartender asked.
"Well, this is a magic necklace. You make a wish on it and it comes true."
"Really? Can I try it?" the bartender asked.
"Sure. Go ahead."
The bartender grabbed the necklace and wished for a million bucks.

Suddenly a million ducks flew into the bar
"Hey, what is this? I wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks." the bartender said.
"Yeah, the necklace is hard of hearing. Do you think I wished for a 12" pianist?"

2006-10-13 04:51:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One looks into it and says, "I know that face but I can't put a name to it", the other one looks in it and says, "Paddy, you fcuking eejit its me!"

2006-10-13 04:51:04 · 22 answers · asked by Canary Yellow 2

like the word WIRE NUTS to fix electrical wires.

2006-10-13 04:47:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old man was sitting on his porch and he saw an old friend of his walking by with his hands cupped together

"What you got in your hands?"
"A Horsefly." was the reply.
"What you gonna do with a horsefly?"
"Get a horse."
The friend laughed and said, "You can't get a horse with a horsefly."
An hour later, the friend came back with a horse.

The next day the same friend was walking by with his hands cupped together
"Hey, what do you have in your hands?"
"A butterfly." came the reply.
"What you gonna do with a butterfly?"
"Get a pound of butter."
"You can't get a pound of butter with a butterfly."
An hour later, the friend came back by with a pound of butter.

The next day, the same friend came by with his hands cupped together.
"Hey what you got in your hands?"
" A pussywillow."
"Wait for me." the friend said as he jumped off of his porch.

2006-10-13 04:39:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my d ick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not?
You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong
with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's
something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied!

2006-10-13 04:35:39 · 23 answers · asked by X factor 2

2006-10-13 04:32:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

2006-10-13 04:31:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You leave home, make 3 left turns, you're back home and there's 2 men with masks there. Where are you and what did you do?

2006-10-13 04:31:30 · 7 answers · asked by joe c 1

This old Italian man saw his friend that he hadn't seen in years.

"Ah, Luigi, where you beena?"
"I been in da jail."
"Ina jail? Why were you ina jail?"
"I was a lying ona beach."
"You can't go to jail for lying on a beach."
"Dis a beach was a kicking and a screaming."

2006-10-13 04:30:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This little girl was sitting in her red wagon and wearing a toy fire helmet. She had a rope tied to her dog and it was pulling the wagon, howling.

A fireman was passing by in his car and stopped to talk to the girl."That is so cute pretending you are a fireman, but you have the rope tied to the dog's groin, if you tied it to his collar, you would go faster."

"Yes, but then I wouldn't get the siren." she replied.

2006-10-13 04:24:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you get a blond on the roof???

Tell her the drinks are on the house!

2006-10-13 04:21:05 · 12 answers · asked by mema 1

One says "I was walking down this railway line last week, when I found a £20 note. I went to the nearest booze shop and got 2 bottles of vodka, I was drunk for 2 days, fantastic it was"
The other lad said "he was walking down the same railway line, and found a young lady tied to the rails. I untied her and took her to that little hut in the woods, I had sex with her for 3 days that was fantastic " The first lad said " did she let you do it in her mo*th " The other lad said, " no I never found her head "

2006-10-13 04:18:55 · 15 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

2006-10-13 04:17:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2006-10-13 04:17:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://joshualowry.vox.com/library/audio/6a00c225203796f21900c2252ab8c18e1d.html

Don't listen if you're in telemarketing or another outbound telephone 'service'. Hehehe.

2006-10-13 04:16:18 · 2 answers · asked by McAtterie 6

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

2006-10-13 04:15:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous