Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted
Flakes back in the box."

2006-10-13 14:52:02 · 27 answers · asked by butterfly_kisses81501 3

A man & woman are having trouble w/ their sex life so they decide to go to a therapist. After speaking w/ the couple the therapist says "tonight on ur way home stop at the store & get a box of doughnuts & some grapes. Then u take 1 of the doughnuts & toss it around ur husband's love pole. Crawl across the room like a lioness and eat it off of ur husbands pole. Then you sir take the grape & roll them into your wife's love canal. You must retrieve the grape using only ur tounge. Try that and see how u do. Well they tried it and it worked. A few days later they ran into some friends who said they were having a frump in their love life too. So the couple told them about the therapist & how much he helped them. The other couple decided to go. After the therapist looked over them he said I don't think I can help you. The 2nd couple complained and begged saying their friends were so satisfied. He sighed and said on the way home stop at the store & get a box of fruit loops and an orange....hah

2006-10-13 14:47:36 · 20 answers · asked by mernie_77 2

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2006-10-13 14:46:33 · 18 answers · asked by Tru-Gem 2

Living Wills..........be careful in their use.

While I was watching the NFL games one weekend, my wife and
I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for
Living Wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that
I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the
TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart a*s.

2006-10-13 14:44:45 · 3 answers · asked by happy heathen 4

10 points to whoever can answer all of these correctly. good luck. you'll need it. And no looking up the answer.


1. Mom and Dad have four daughters, each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the family?



2. What has a mouth but can't chew?



3. What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters?



4.If your sock drawer has 6 black socks, 4 brown socks, 8 white socks, and 2 tan socks, how many socks would you have to pull out in the dark to be sure you had a matching pair?




5.What English word is nine letters long, and can remain an English word at each step as you remove one letter at a time, right down to a single letter. List the letter you remove each time and the words that result at each step.




6.Continue the series: o t t f f s s _ _ _

2006-10-13 14:35:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

you leave on Wednesday and you come back 6 days later on Friday. How is that ?

2006-10-13 14:11:29 · 14 answers · asked by alliew77 2

2006-10-13 13:43:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

and a dog does on three legs?

Hint it has nothing to do with body fluids

2006-10-13 13:35:47 · 9 answers · asked by barrettins 3

2006-10-13 13:34:31 · 5 answers · asked by martin h 6

2006-10-13 13:16:00 · 11 answers · asked by Fun and Games 4

3 men sitting in a sauna heard a bleeping sound. The American pressed his arm and the bleeping stopped. That's my pager, I have a microchip in my arm....Phone rings, Japanese man puts his hand to his ear...That's my mobile I have a chip in my hand...The Irish man not to be outdone,went to the toilet, came back with toilet paper hanging from his a*** . The others stared at him...Bjesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!

2006-10-13 13:15:59 · 30 answers · asked by mistickle17 5

paddy englishman paddy irishman and paddy scotsman were in a hot air balloon, paddy englishman licks his thumb sticks it over the side smells it and says "we are passing over london right now". "how can you tell that?" the other two ask amazed, "i know that smell of smog anywhere." a while later paddy scotsman licks his thumb sticks it out and smells it "we are passing over aberdeen right now." "how can you tell?" they ask, "i'd know the smell of heather anywhere." More time passes when paddy irishman licks his thumb, sticks it out "I don't even need to smell my thumb to tell ya we're passing over ballymun (really rundown, rough part of dublin) right now," "how's that paddy?" "me fecking watch is gone!"

2006-10-13 13:15:55 · 11 answers · asked by Trina 3

2006-10-13 13:11:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 13:10:38 · 15 answers · asked by cute angel 3

2006-10-13 12:56:32 · 30 answers · asked by cute angel 3

do you like this one?

A Louisiana Katrina evacuee walks into the local Texas welfare office
for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after
month, since I left New Orleans . I'd really much rather have a job".


The Texas social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."



The Louisiana guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"



The Texas social worker replies, "Yeah, well, you started it."

2006-10-13 12:56:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

He turns up at 6.30 am and askes the boss what do you want me to do, boss says today you will work in supplies, ok china man says and went off, later the boss went looking for the china man and couldnt find him anywhere, he began to worry at 8.00pm and sent out a search team, they went all over the mine looking for him, when all of a suden the china man jumps out of an old tram shouting out " supplies supplies"

2006-10-13 12:54:00 · 11 answers · asked by Rock 2

but the mailman said i couldnt go in the mailbox, aint that some crap?

2006-10-13 12:49:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 12:45:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An religious old man is on his deathbed and having last requests being made. He tells his wife, "Honey, gimme my lawyer and accountant." She calls the two men and they rush in the room. "Ya, waddya want? I'm missin' a meeting here." The accountant says. "Accountant, stand to my left. Lawyer, stand to my right. Now I can die in peace." The lawyer scratches his head and asks why. The old man answers, "This way, I can die like the Lord Jesus Christ- in between two criminals."


Check out my other jokes too!

2006-10-13 12:41:59 · 27 answers · asked by Sir Nigel 6

There is a Black man, dressed in Black, walking down a street with no lights (no street lights, no appartments). There is a black car comming the oppisite way directly toward the man. Oh yeah, its midnight, so no sun. The car sees the man and stops, How did the car know that the man was there?

2006-10-13 12:33:02 · 24 answers · asked by sur2124 4

Two men, one a elderly pastor, Rev. Smith and a reckless cab driver, Mike, died in the same exact second. Mike arrives first and Saint Peter welcomes him. "Hello Mike," Peter says, "Welcome to heaven. You have the golden halo, the golden slippers and the golden staff. You are on level 7." Mike takes his stuff and goes on his way. The Rev. Smith comes next. "Ah, Reverend!" St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven. You have the plastic halo, the leather slippers and the PVC pipe staff. You are on level 2." The Rev. Smith is shocked. "HEY! I am a man of God! Why did that punk get better stuff than me?!" St. Peter sighs and rolls his eyes. "Rev. Smith, when you preached, everyone fell asleep. When Mike drove, everyone prayed for their souls."

2006-10-13 12:30:15 · 16 answers · asked by Sir Nigel 6

A old, weathered cowboy and a young, fresh cowpoke are in a saloon. The cowpoke has no money and the cowboy has a big bowl of chili in front of him. They sit for 20 minutes sitting and doing nothing. The cowboy still has the untouched chili and the cowpoke is still broke and hungry. The cowpoke finally picks up the courage to ask the cowboy "Hey pardner, if ya ain't gonna eat that chili, mind if I have it?" Cowboy shrugs and shoves the chili to the cowpoke. The cowpoke digs into it and around 7/8 of the way through, he finds a dead rat in it! He screams "Holy ****!!!!" and pukes it all up into the bowl again. Cowboy nods and goes "Yep, got that far too."

2006-10-13 12:19:54 · 17 answers · asked by Sir Nigel 6

Redneck Medical Terms
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet...................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

2006-10-13 12:17:51 · 1 answers · asked by jsweit8573 6

2006-10-13 12:11:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-13 12:06:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this older guy with one leg and taffy in his teeth downtown, and whenever I say "hey, what's up?" He always sais, "man, I gotsa bam leb with duh other side man. It's cool, butchu gotsta coolm wit duh brammin cause dat sh*** the jinny jaunt. Know what I'm sayin? It's cool doe cause I just be brammin like a mother. Sh**. (and then I say). "yeah, sh** "

2006-10-13 11:54:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy left on his horse to San Antonio on Friday and arived 3 dayz later on friday

how is that possible

2006-10-13 11:54:36 · 18 answers · asked by nflcharlie 1

The one where there are shapes and everyone gets it.The shapes go down in a straight line.I really want to know cuz i don't understand it!

2006-10-13 11:53:47 · 3 answers · asked by Lizzety 1

I recently got married,and on our honeymoon we got into bed but my wife jumped out and got back in on the other side.....I asked her "why on earth did you do that for ?" she told me "You know full well that i am left-handed!!!!"

2006-10-13 11:52:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous