who can give me a funny joke. if ur jokes funny i will put it in the draw for the 5 points. r u funny?

Question

all people who think they are funny, use your talent and see. if i like ur joke i will put it in the draw tomorrow night and if ur name is picked out u will win the points!!!!! SIMPLE

Answer 1

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Answer 2

Ok, ok... here's 1 some lawyer jokes... these were actually said... BY LAWYERS!!!!!!

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Sorry if it's offensive...

Answer 3

I've got a joke and two limericks. Ok here goes. There was a bartender that worked in a pub. A customer came in and said, 'I'll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my left eye.' The bartender agreed because he thought the customer wouldn't be able to do it. The customer took out his glass eye and chomped down on it. 'How could I be so stupid?! Of course that is how he would do it!' cried the bartender. The customer then bet the bartender another thousand dollars that he could bite his right eye. The bartender said, 'Well, he can't be blind, so yes I agree.' The customer then took out his false teeth and clamped them around his right eye. 'Oh no! I've been fooled again!' cried the bartender. Now he was down two thousand dollars. The customer felt sorry for him, so he gave him a chance to win his money back. 'Ok I'll bet you five thousand dollars that I can pee into that mug without spilling a drop on the ground.' the customer said. The bartender looked at the mug that was ten metres away and said, 'You can't do that! The bet is on!' So the customer got ready and peed everywhere except in the mug. There was pee all over the pub. 'Yay!!!!!!!!!!' the bartender cheered. 'Now I have my money back plus three thousand dollars!' But he asked why the customer had deliberately missed the mug, and the customer replied, 'Because I bet a man on the other side of the room ten thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and the bartender would cheer.'

Ok, now the limericks.
There once was a boy called Perkin. He was always jerkin his gherkin. One day his Dad said, 'Perkin, stop jerkin your gherkin, your gherkin's for ferkin not jerkin!'

There once was a boy from Madrass. He had two testicles made from brass. When they rubbed together, they created stormy weather, and lightning shot out of his ***! He heh he! Hoped you enjoyed!

Answer 4

Dylan 7/10--on an identical time as Im not loopy approximately this call, I do think of that's extremely good-looking and sounds enormously superb. Nicholas 6/10--The call isn't unfavorable, yet I do in basic terms in comparison to numerous names with the "ick" sound, so Nicholas extremely isn't an exception. Tyler 7/10--lower back, i'm not loopy with regard to the call, whether it extremely is extremely mature and a while extremely properly. Aiden 8.5/10--actual this spelling! the two way although, the call has a great sound, and that i actually do not concepts it being so customary. Landon 9/10--i admire this call! I additionally extremely like the call Lydon, which sounds comparable. The call has an exceedingly superb sound and bypass to it although! Caden 7/10--i admire Aiden, yet not Caden, for some reason. I do prefer having it spelt Kaden or Kayden although. Parker 8/10--i think of this may be a great, much less effortless call that's extremely mature and good-looking. Christian 6/10--i've got in no way extremely cherished this call, and that i do in basic terms not in basic terms like the sound of it. Ryan 9/10--i admire this call! Very good-looking and masculine, and it a while ok too! Everett 8.5/10--i actually like this one besides! that's extremely uncommon and has an extremely superb sound to it. As for center names... Dylan Everett Nicholas James Tyler Zachariah Aiden Max Landon Elijah Caden Jeremy Parker Rhys Christian Daniel Christopher Luke Ryan Alexander Everett Josiah desire I helped! :)

Answer 5

A news report stated that there had been a huge explosion in Dublin which has left a massive crater in the centre of the main street.

When a reporter asked an official for an update, he was told "the Irish police were on the scene and looking into it."

Answer 6

3 men in a strip joint...
...sitting at a table on which a sexy young lady is dancing for them...the first man decides to show off a little, so he takes a crisp £20 note from his wallet, licks it and sticks it to the strippers left b um cheek...the second guy decides he wants to go a step further so he pulls out a crisp £50 note from his wallet, licks and sticks it on her right b um cheek...they both look at the third guy, a little bemused, as he opens his wallet and pulls out his mastercard! He swipes it in the strippers crack, takes the 70 bucks and heads for the bar!! ....chi=ching!!!!!!
.........moral of the story...there are some things that money can't buy, but for everything else there's mastercard...priceless!!

Answer 7

i received this from a friend long time ago. i completely forgotten until one day i found it while cleaning my folder..it's about a mother's concern...

a mother had 3 virgin daughters. they were all getting married within a short time period. because mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

the first girl sent a card from hawaii two days after the wedding. the card said nothing but "nescafe". mom was puzzled at first but then went to the kitchen and got out the nescafe jar. it said "good 'til the last drop. mom blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

the second girl sent the card from vermont a week after the wedding and the card read "benson & hedges". mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and she read from the benson & hedges pack, "extra long, king size". she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

the third girl left for her honeymoon in the caribbean. mom waited for a week, nothing. another week went by and still nothing then after a whole month, a card finally arrived written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "british airways". mom took out her latest harpers' bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. the ad said, "three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

mom fainted....

Answer 8

Priest goes to Florida at an all religions meeting.After he's feeling hungry & asks a local where there is a good eating place. 'Do you like steak' the guy asks. 'Oh yes!' he replies and goes to the eating place recommended. The waiter asks for his order and he says 'steak please, rare'. The waiter shouts....'One bloody steak!' The priest says.....'I'm not used to that kind of laguage'...The waiter tells him that's how we tell the cook how a customer likes his steak, bloody for rare, pink for medium, brown for well done.When he gets it it's the best steak he's ever had. Ayear later he's at the same meeting & meets up with a Rabii afterwards. He asks the Rabii if he's hungry & does he like rare steak? The Rabii says he loves rare steak, so off they go to the restaurant. The waiter asks what they want, & the priest says......'2 bloody steaks!'..........The Rabii shouted........'AND PLENTY FU***NG CHIPS!!'

Answer 9

A blonde boards a plane to New York and sits in first class. The stewardess asked to see her ticket and says to the blonde, I'm sorry Miss this is First Class and your seat is coach you need to move to the back of the plane. The Blonde looks at her and says " I'm Blonde I'm Beatutiful I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. The stewardess not wanting to make a scene goes to the cockpit and asks the co-pilot for help. The co-pilot goes back and tries to explain to the blonde why she needs to move, telling her First Class costs more and she didnt pay for the upgrade. The blonde looks at him and says " I'm Blonde I'm Beatutiful I'm going to New York and I'm not moving". So the co-pilot goes back and says to the pilot we have a problem, there is a blonde in first class refusing to move back to coach and asked if he had any ideas. The pilot sits there for a moment and says you said shes a blonde? yes said the co-pilot. oh ok I can handle this. So the pilot goes back to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. The blonde stands up and says " Why didnt someone tell me that before" and in a huff goes to the back of the plane. Well the Stewardess and co-pilot were stunned. They both say to the pilot " what did you say to her to get her to move" the pilot gives a little chuckle and says " well I'm married to a blonde and you just need to know how to handle them". And I told her First Class doesnt go to New York.

Answer 10

A- I wonder how long a person can't live without a brain.
B- Well, how old r u?

- What r u gonna give me 4 my birthday
. Close ur eyes and tell me what u c
- nothing
. O.k then that's what u will get in ur birthday.

Answer 11

a couple went to the doctors for tests after trying for a baby with no success .
after running all the tests on the woman the doctor could find nothing wrong ,so he tells the man that he needs to do a sperm count and hands him a specimine bottle and asks him to bring a sample the following day .
the next day the man returns to the doctors surgery and hands him the bottle .the doctor looks puzzled at the bottle and says to the man "it's empty" to which the man replies "i know ,i tried with my left hand ,i tried with my right ,my wife tried with her left hand ,then her right ,my mother-in-law even had her mouth round it!........but we still couldn't get the lid off that bottle!