Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

2006-10-16 04:45:50 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 04:44:24 · 20 answers · asked by Lauren 3

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.
"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

2006-10-16 04:40:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

2006-10-16 04:39:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a piano or a monk?

2006-10-16 04:23:33 · 19 answers · asked by markhatter 6

This little flea was visiting beach for sun bath where he met his old pal Oscar who looks terrible; wrapped up in a blanket, running nose, red eyes and shattering teeth, so he asked “Hey pal what happened 2 u?”
I got a ride down here in a guy's mustache who was on a motor cycle; I nearly froze my nuts off’ said Oscar
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the 1st fly "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport and you get up on the toilet seat, when a stewardess comes in for a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?". So Oscar went to airport as his pal advised. A week later the 1st fly met his pal Oscar he was- looking more chilled and miserable than before.
Listen said Oscar"I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"The next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again'

2006-10-16 04:18:37 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

George W Bush, back when he was a "drinking man", walked into a bar.

He ordered five beers and drank them all down.

He then ordered four beers and proceeded to drink them as well.

With a confused look on his face, he stared down at the empty beer bottles in front of him.

He ordered another three beers and finished them of as before.

Now he looked really confused.

Looking around in bewilderment, he cautiously ordered another two.

The bartender, curious at the young George W's confusion asked him what was the matter, to which George W replied 'I don't know what's going on but, the less beers I drink, the more drunk I get'.

2006-10-16 04:09:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The punchline is always Aristocrats, sometimes Sophisticates, the jokes are usually told to other comedians, apparently this humor goes back hundreds of years.

2006-10-16 04:07:15 · 3 answers · asked by KEVIN J 1

a daisy chain or a spoon?

2006-10-16 03:56:09 · 27 answers · asked by markhatter 6

i have had a realy bad couple of months its been one thing after another and today is just another nad day tell me some lmao jokes to get me thru today in a better mood

2006-10-16 03:51:09 · 5 answers · asked by Catie 5

What goes up when its down but wont go down when its up

2006-10-16 03:20:01 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

I will post the answer here in an hour! 10 points to first correct answer!! Good luck!

2006-10-16 03:17:25 · 20 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

There was a teenage boy with different coloered hear standing at the check out line at the supermarket and behind him was this old man and the old man keep o staring at the boy so the boy turnd around and asked the old man what the **** are you staring at and the old man said one day long ago i got realy drunk and I ****** a parit and I was wandering if you were my son.


now wasent that funny???

2006-10-16 02:53:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

enters the classroom one morning to find an apple on her desk and a note of the black board saying "FTG"...she asks the class to explain and a little girl raises her hand and says "please miss, it means 'from the girls'". The teacher is delighted and thanks all the females in the class. The following morning she comes into class and finds a pear on her desk and a note on the black board saying "FTB", once again she asks the class to explain and a little boy stands up and says "please miss, it means 'from the boys'". Again the teacher is thrilled and continues with her lesson. The next day she comes in and finds a banana on her desk, and to her horror, there is a note on the black board saying "F U C K at the back"...the teacher demands an explanation and a child stands up at the back of the class and says "please miss, it means 'from us coloured kids at the back"!!!

2006-10-16 02:28:55 · 19 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

This lady was returning from Switzerland and finds herself seated next to a priest in the flight and asks "Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Yes Miss, what can I do for you?"
"This is a dilemma I purchased for me an expensive sophisticated electronic hair remover. I really went over the limits set forth by Customs, and fear they will confiscate this, could you pls. secret it through Customs under your robes?"
"Certainly dear, but I must warn you I not really able to lie..."
"You has a honest face father, surely they won’t question you," and she hand him the gadget.
After landing the father reached customs desk.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asked the officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son"
Finding this answer bit strange the officer asked again,
"How about from waist to the floor" The father replies, "I have a marvelous instrument meant for women, but never been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer allowed him to leave

2006-10-16 02:02:27 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

Watson and Holms were trying to break into the house of a villain, when suddenly Holms takes out a lemon from his pocket and proceeds to squeeze juice from said lemon into the front door lock of the villains house. After a few seconds they heard a slight "click" and the door slowly opened! Astonished Watson asked Holms how he did it, Holms replied with a knowing nod and a wink
"Why, its lemonentry my dear Watson"! OK see if you can do better for 10 mysterious points!

2006-10-16 01:56:40 · 2 answers · asked by chris_sensei2003 3

2006-10-16 01:50:57 · 17 answers · asked by mememe 2

some thing that you and ur spouse are likely to do, most children do this by the age of 1? what is it?

2006-10-16 01:45:12 · 15 answers · asked by mememe 2

2006-10-16 01:43:17 · 15 answers · asked by Lady Santa 5

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"Wow!! This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I changed the co*ck," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

2006-10-16 01:34:25 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

I have the Loiusiana answer. the closes to it wins

2006-10-16 01:31:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

the frist right answer get the points good luck...and oldy but goody

2006-10-16 01:08:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

bad in the sense u know ..................

2006-10-16 00:56:36 · 22 answers · asked by dj 2

how can i send sms message to a mobile from yahoo mesenger in india itself

2006-10-16 00:41:31 · 3 answers · asked by irene 1

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
-Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
-Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
-They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
- You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
- Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
-Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
-A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
-Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
-Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
-Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
-Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
-Frostbite.

13. What Lies At
The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
-A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
-Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
-Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
-Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
-Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
-Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
- The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
-Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
-A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
- Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q) Whats the best way to cover a cushion?
A) Sit on it.

Q) What do you call a child that eats its parents?
A) An orphan

Q) Whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A) The trolley has a mind of its own

Q) How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) Only two...but how did they get in there!!!

Q) If you throw a blue bucket into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A) Wet

Q) What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
A) Get down
Q) What did the cow say?
A) Moo

Q) Whats green, has six legs and if it jumps out of a tree will kill you?
A) A pool table

Q) What has six wheels and flies?
A) A garbage truck

Q) Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A) It was dead

Q) Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A) It was stapled to the first
one

Q) Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A) Got hit by the other two on their way down.

2006-10-16 00:40:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 00:36:46 · 20 answers · asked by daflex 1

2006-10-16 00:36:04 · 17 answers · asked by daflex 1

If twin men marry twin women and both have babies will they look the same?

2006-10-16 00:30:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have arms and legs
But I only work when my feet are off the ground.

What am I?

2006-10-16 00:23:52 · 25 answers · asked by slider 1

2006-10-15 23:45:34 · 10 answers · asked by Tuff 1