Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-16 07:47:54 · 14 answers · asked by SASHANYA W 1

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

2006-10-16 07:42:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

q: how do you know when a lawyer is lying?
a: his lips are moving.

q: how was the silver thread invented?
a: two lawyers were fighting over a dime.

q: why does the BAR forbid lawyers from having sexual relations between lawyers and clients?
a: to prevent the client from being charged twice for basically the same service.

2006-10-16 07:40:21 · 3 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

2006-10-16 07:39:45 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

you probably dont find that funny but oh well.

2006-10-16 07:38:47 · 12 answers · asked by rosiepetle96 1

Today is the second aniversary of my dad's death and this was his favourite joke.
A doctor was taking the locum on his rounds.
"This is Mr Jones's house and he has foxed me for ages" he said before they went in. After a while he said to Mr Jones, "I think you should stop smoking" and Mr Jones shamefaced agreed. Outside the doctor explained that when he had bent over he had seen a pile of cigarette ends under the bed. The locum agreed to see to the next on the list.
Miss Smith was an extremely attractive blonde, sat in bed wearing a lace trimmed neglige. After a while the locum fixed her with his steely gaze and said firmly, "Miss Smith, I think you have been overdoing the churchwork!" Miss Smith blushigly agreed.
Outside the old doctor admitted to being perplexed. The locum siad, "When I bent down to tie my shoelace, the vicar was under the bed!"

2006-10-16 07:30:19 · 8 answers · asked by Amanda K 7

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY




Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:



DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS! - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum



DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

2006-10-16 07:24:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An application was for employment.
A program was a t.v show.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age.
If you unzipped anything in public, you'd be jailed.
Log on was adding wood to fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
A Backup happened to your commode.
Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy, you hoped nobody found out!

2006-10-16 07:22:54 · 13 answers · asked by sweetangel1328 3

Wife says to husband - 'I have been to the doctors and he says I have the behind of a 21 year old.'
Husband says 'Oh yeah, what did he say about your 40 year old cu*t?'
Wife replies 'Oh he didn't ask about you...'

2006-10-16 06:52:35 · 25 answers · asked by Ali 3

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2006-10-16 06:43:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are gardening. LAter, she leaves to take a shower. She undresses, but sees him waving at her in the window. He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then makes raking motions (I need the rake) she points to her eye, grabs her left boob, slaps her butt, and rubs her crotch. He goes inside and sticks his head in the door," WHat?" "I left it behind the bush." she replies.

2006-10-16 06:40:56 · 10 answers · asked by maconheira 4

Stores have signs that say, " No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." What about pants?
- thanks to Pamela McMahon


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when you look into a box of Cheerios, are you looking at Cheerios or doughnut seeds? If you plant them, will they come up glazed or cream-filled?
- thanks Claudia


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Ever heard of a drum soloist?
- thanks to Antonio Josiah


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Who's the wise guy who came up with: 'Never say never'? Didn't you just say it?
- thanks to Antonio Josiah


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Why are American English words like 'color', 'favorite', 'savor', etc, missing the letter 'u'?
Is it because Americans are so self-centered?
- thanks to Antonio Josiah


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What would happen if you told a madman to 'Knock 'em dead!'?
- thanks to Antonio Josiah


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Why are they called 'Hot Dogs' when they are not even dog meat?
- thanks to Antonio Josiah


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Do blind people feel 'Love at first sight'?
- thanks again Antonio Josiah


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Can you freeze anti-freeze ?
- thanks to Dave Tonn


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If the Internet has no boundaries, then why do we need Windows, or Gates?
- thanks to Brendan Dyer


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If toast falls butter side down and cats land on their feet, what happens
when u put a slice of bread ( butter side up ) on a cats back?
( thanks to Imad M. )


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Why is it called MENstruation?
( thanks to 'Dan the Man' )


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If you only have one eye can you still get double vision?
( Thanks Ashley )


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Do you ever wonder if really dumb people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
( Thanks Ashley )


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Do blondes really know that they have more fun?
( Thanks Ashley )


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What was the best thing before sliced bread ?
( submitted by Charlie Snyder )

2006-10-16 06:30:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wipes his bum...

2006-10-16 06:29:42 · 17 answers · asked by Ali 3

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up & down one corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he
shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up
to him. "OK" He said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

2006-10-16 06:28:48 · 5 answers · asked by stigma138 3

This guy wanted to have sex with a woman but she said they needed a condom first.
"A condom? I havent worn one of them in 30 years."

She wouldn't do it without one so he ran down to the pharmacy and the woman behind the counter said, "Can I help you, Handsome?"
"I need a condom."
"What size?"
"I don't know, I havent worn one in thirty years."
"Well, you see that wooden fence there? There are three holes in it. Stick your wang in each of the three holes and see which one fits the best." she said with a smile.

He walked over to the first hole unzipped his pants and stuck it in.
The woman ran around to the other side of the fence and gave him a bj.

He stuck it in the second hole and screwed him

He stuck it in the third hole and she took it in the rear end.

She fixed herself, ran back to the counter and the guy came back over.

"Well? What size do you need?"
"The hell with the condom, give me thirty feet of that fence." the man replied.

2006-10-16 06:24:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

is it because fish have blue piss?

2006-10-16 06:24:31 · 16 answers · asked by rosiepetle96 1

Sunday morning, the church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud flows in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

2006-10-16 06:22:04 · 6 answers · asked by stigma138 3

There was a stranger passed out in the middle of the desert,and these village people that stays behind some mountains seen him,and pick him up and took him back to the village.They helped him by feeding him and giving him water to get his strength back.He was fine now ,and asked ''Where am I?''One of the village guy says'' NO MAN LAND''!,so the stranger says''Wheres the women?What you guys do for fun?''.So one of the village guys said,''You see that barrel with the hole in it?,stick your penis in it ,and that will be the best sex you ever had!.So the stranger did that and said''WOW!!!! THAT IS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD'' I'm going to have sex with barrel everyday.But the village guys said''Yeah!!! you could except on Tuesdays,because it means it your turn inside the barrel''.

2006-10-16 05:55:24 · 13 answers · asked by Da..KINGizHeRe!! 3

a boy asks the teacher "mam,can any 8 year girl can become pregnent."
mam:no howz that possible.itz impossible.
boy:thankgod.hey lilly dont worry.

2006-10-16 05:32:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun had just gotten out of the shower when she heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" she called out.
"Blind man." came the reply.

She was looking for her robe and when she couldn't find it she thought that she didn't have to get dressed because he was blind.

She opened the door in all of her glory and the man said, "Hi. I am here to install your Venetian blinds."

2006-10-16 05:28:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?



2) Do you find it a bit unnerving doctors call what they do practice?



3)If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?



4) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



5) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?



6) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?



7) When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?



8) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

2006-10-16 05:17:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time a baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

2006-10-16 05:17:11 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

2006-10-16 05:14:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

2006-10-16 05:12:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This young priest was invited over to an plder priest's place for dinner. The young priest was introduced to the older priest's maid.

The young priest winked at the old priest and the old priest said, "I know what you are thinking, but we are not having sex."

After dinner and the young priest left, the maid noticed that a silver gravy ladle was missing and asked the old priest if the younger priest would steal it. Of course, the older priest said no it was probably misplaced.

After a couple of days it was still missing so the old priest wrote a note to the younger priest and said, "I coudn't help but notice after you left from dinner the other night, the gravy ladle was missing.Know anything about it?"

The younger priest responded with a note. it said, "I couldn't help notice how pretty your maid is and if you aren't having sex with her, you would have noticed the ladle in her bed,"

2006-10-16 05:10:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This young priest was invited over to an plder priest's place for dinner. The young priest was introduced to the older priest's maid.

The young priest winked at the old priest and the old priest said, "I know what you are thinking, but we are not having sex."

After dinner and the young priest left, the maid noticed that a silver gravy ladle was missing and asked the old priest if the younger priest would steal it. Of course, the older priest said no it was probably misplaced.

After a couple of days it was still missing so the old wrote a note to the younger priest and said, "I coudn't help but notice after you left from dinner the other night, the gravy ladle was missing.Know anything about it?"

The younger priest responded with a note. it said, "I couldn't help notice how pretty your maid is and if you aren't having sex with her, you would have noticed the ladle in her bed,"

2006-10-16 05:08:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”
The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

2006-10-16 04:54:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-16 04:54:16 · 13 answers · asked by Hacker 3

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2006-10-16 04:50:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

2006-10-16 04:47:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous