Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
>>long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is
>>a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a
>>recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
>>Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word
>>Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
>>know why they record these conversations!):
>>
>>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
>>the words went away."
>>Operator: "Went away?"
>>Caller: "They disappeared."
>>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
>>Caller: "Nothing."
>>Operator: "Nothing??"
>>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
>>screen?"
>>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
>>anything I type."
>>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
>>TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>>Caller: "I don't know."
>>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
>>where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
>>plugged into the wall.
>>Caller: "Yes, it is."
>>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
>>there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>>Caller: "No."
>>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
>>and find the other cable."
>>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
>>into the back of your computer."
>>Caller: "I can't reach."
>>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>>Caller: "No."
>>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
>>way over??"
>>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
>>it's because it's dark."
>>Operator: "Dark??"
>>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
>>have is coming in from the window.
>>
>>" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>>Caller: "I can't."
>>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
>>it licked now.
>>
>>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>>came in??"
>>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
>>up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
>> Bought it from."
>> Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What
>>do I tell them??"
>> Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own
>>a computer!!!!!
>>

2006-10-17 09:00:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her.

Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

2006-10-17 08:36:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over
the kitchen sink and crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

She said between sniffles, "I... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and
then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

2006-10-17 08:29:24 · 4 answers · asked by Drew 4

Little girl goes into a barbers and stands beside the chair eating a cake.Barber says u gonna get hair on ur muffin. I know she says. Im gonna get t**'s too.

2006-10-17 08:24:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I answered the door and there was this guy standing there, I said whats up? the guy said can you give me a push please, I said ill just go and put some clothes on ill be right back, when I got outside I couldnt see him anywhere so I shouted "where are you Pal" just then I heard him say " Im over hear on the swing"......Bom Bom!!

2006-10-17 08:21:34 · 5 answers · asked by Rock 2

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

2006-10-17 08:09:41 · 3 answers · asked by Woody 3

For a man or woman.
Mine: I may not be Wilma, but I can make your bedrock...

2006-10-17 08:08:14 · 6 answers · asked by chanda 3

Ever get that tickling memory that just doesn't quite want to surface with enough detail to be descriptive? It's like a half-remembered dream that doesn't make sense in the light of day.
Anyway, see if this rings any bells. I don't have the punchline or the delivery. I simply remember that this guy was trying to outsmart a blonde on the plane (who he assumed to be dumb), and she turned the whole thing around and made him out to the one who was intellectually challenged. The airplane is the only detail I recall except maybe that she was challenged by a riddle.
It's a joke that made the rounds a wee while ago - I just hope there's someone who remembers it that can recognise what I'm referring to from that little tidbit. It's making my brain itch!

2006-10-17 07:55:58 · 11 answers · asked by warped_factor_ten 2

i have a lot this is my favorite
there was a blonde that hated blonde jokes and she didnt like to see dumb blondes
so she was driving through nebraska
and she saw a blonde rowing her heart out in the middle of a corn field she stopped her car and stomped to the side of the road and yelled at the lady
"it is blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid and if i could swim i would go out there and kick your but"

2006-10-17 07:50:52 · 22 answers · asked by ~♥ LilPink ♥~ 2

Two women friends had gone on a girls night out & had been decidely over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk & walkin home they suddenly realised they both needed to pee.They were near a graveyard &1 of them suggested they do it behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her pants & used them, then threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set & didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave & wiped herself with that. After finishing they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties! "That's nothing!!" said the other. "Mine's come back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!" :)

2006-10-17 07:49:43 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife always had sex in the dark, one day the wife decided to leave the lights on, only to find that he had been using a dildo, she said honey explain the dildo, he replied, sweetie explain the kids

2006-10-17 07:45:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I answered the door and there was this guy standing there, I said whats up? the guy said can you give me a push please, I said ill just go and put some clothes on ill be right back, when I got outside I couldnt see him anywhere so I shouted "where are you Pal" just then I heard him say " Im over hear on the swing"......Bom Bom!!

2006-10-17 07:43:11 · 11 answers · asked by Rock 2

A Riddle That Will Kill Your Brain...

This is going to make you so mad!
There are three words in the ENGLISH langauge that end with 'gry' one is 'angry' the other is 'hungry'. EVERYONE knows what the third one means and what it stands for.
EVERYONE uses them everyday. If you have listened very carefully, I have given you the third word.
WHAT IS IT??____________ ??

2006-10-17 07:42:28 · 3 answers · asked by 4mom 4

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.

She replies, "I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


( you really have to watch those old guys!)

2006-10-17 07:41:33 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

the pastor enterd his donkey in a race and it won.


The local paper read

PASTOR'S A.S.S OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the headline read

BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTORS A.SS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper hearing the news posted the following headline

NUN HAS THE BEST A.SS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey
she sold it to a local farmer for $10.

The next day the headline read

NUN SELLS A.SS FOR $10

this was too much for the bishop so he ordered the the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day headline read,NUN ANNOUNCES HER A.SS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day

2006-10-17 07:33:22 · 10 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms & kept their slogans...
Sainsbury's: Making life taste better
Tesco: Every little helps
Nike: Just do it
Pugeot: The ride of your life
Galaxy Chocolate: Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC: Finger lickin' good
Minstrels: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Safeway: Lightening the load
Abbey National: Because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola: The real thing
Duracell: Keep going & going
Pringles: Once you pop you can't stop
Burger King: Home of the whopper
Goodyear: For a longer ride, go wide
Muller Light: So much pleasure - but where's the pain
Halfords: We go the extra mile
Royal Mail: Saw this & thought of you
Andrex: Soft, strong & very long
Renault: Size really does matter
Domestos: Get's right under the rim
Heineken: Reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg: Probably the best condom in the world
AA: For the 4th emergency service
Polo: The Polo with the hole!!!

2006-10-17 07:32:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?




SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG ******* HOUSE!

2006-10-17 07:30:43 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor asks the man if he can have a look at his knees, so the man rolls up the first trouser leg, and his knee said, "Can I borrow five pounds?". The doctor is shocked, and asks to see his other knee. The man rolls up the second trouser leg, and his knee said, " Can I borrow twenty pounds?" I know whats wrong with you, said the doctor, you have skint knees!!

2006-10-17 07:25:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-17 07:23:05 · 2 answers · asked by abbeyroad54321 3

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We have a few questions. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Thank you."

Pharmacist: "If I may ask you a question, why do you want to know all of this?"

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

2006-10-17 07:21:11 · 4 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Bartender is serving at the bar when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, he's busy, is there anything I can help you with?"
She replies, "I don't know if you're the man to talk to...it's kind of personal....."
Thinking he might get lucky, he says, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem Miss".
She then looks at him with a smile and puts two of her fingers in his mouth.....and he begins sucking them, thinking, I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you tell the manager something for me?"
The bartender, drooling, nods.....yes!. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies toilets!" :)

2006-10-17 07:18:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-17 07:18:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

so this isnt a joke, i just want some opinions. I work at a bank and im the chick at the front desk, and i've never had a "professional" job like this, so i want to go all out for halloween. I don't want to do the usual "witch" or "clown"....something extremly creative...and one that wont cost a whole lot. I was thinking Napolean Dynamite. Help me out!!

2006-10-17 07:04:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

two boys walk into a class
"sorry we are late miss" said boy 1
" we were too busy throwing pebbles into a river!" said boy 2
they sat dow and started to work and a little boy dripping wet stands in front of the teacher
"sorry im late miss im new to the school " said the wet boy
"what is your name?"
"pebbles miss"




is this joke lame?

2006-10-17 06:57:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Having a bad day and could use some cheering up. Tell me a joke or a funny story. The answer that makes me laugh the most gets ten. Thanks

QB

2006-10-17 06:47:19 · 4 answers · asked by queenbee 4

and keen rivals. one day during a game, they had each scored 30 when alan hit a bad shot. jerry immediately added 10 to his own score. jerry then hit a good shot and he won the game. how could this be?

2006-10-17 06:45:30 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-17 06:43:15 · 28 answers · asked by KU 4

A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

2006-10-17 06:43:02 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

an open field without his umbrella. he wasnt wearing a hat or a raincoat, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. how was this possible?

2006-10-17 06:42:51 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real
prize, to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn.
"I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also."
The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"

2006-10-17 06:42:47 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6