2006-10-17 21:24:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
1.
Two women friends had gone on a girls night out & had been decidely over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk & walkin home they suddenly realised they both needed to pee.They were near a graveyard &1 of them suggested they do it behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her pants & used them, then threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set & didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave & wiped herself with that. After finishing they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties! "That's nothing!!" said the other. "Mine's come back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!" :)
2.
A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" "He eats *****. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."
3.
After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"
The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."
Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. "Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly. "That's how you wave a bloody towel."
4.
Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"
5.
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
6.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
2006-10-18 04:16:29 · answer #1 · answered by Hammer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when,at the foot of the hill,he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road..Five times on his descent he sounded his horn,but they didn't move.He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed:"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly:"Listen,I was coming,she was coming,and you were coming.You were the only one with brakes."
2006-10-17 23:55:09 · answer #2 · answered by the gunners 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you get when you cross a high ranking nun & a whore..
A Superior Mother F**ker.
OK, that joke sucks.lol
I just ate a Lemonade Sparkle Icelolly which had a joke on the stick. Wanna hear it? No! Tough....
How do pixies eat?
By goblin.
2006-10-17 21:29:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
1) this man asks for a sex doll and the guy behind the ounter says "muslim or christian" the man goes " whats the difference?" the assistant says well for a christian you need to buy the pump attatchment, but... the muslim blows itself up!"
BOOM! BOOM! CHAA!!!...
2) these two business men hire a secretary and have a bet to see who will bed here first... the first man beds her and says... "nah she wasnt as good as my wife" a couple of days later the other man beds her. at work he said "you're right"
BOOM! BOOM! CHAA!!!...
hope i cheered you up
2006-10-18 02:36:13 · answer #4 · answered by big D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q. What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
A. Annette
2006-10-17 21:27:23 · answer #5 · answered by ♥ Kazbaz ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q: Whats the similarity between Girl and an audio cassette
Answer: Both can be use Both sides
2006-10-18 00:36:58 · answer #6 · answered by cock4_hens 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
It doesn't really matter what crap I write here, everyone will be asleep by the time they get here. So.....you know the real person that shot Kennedy? Me.
2006-10-17 22:04:17 · answer #7 · answered by cheaper_bills 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you get rid of native people from hanging around the front of your house?
Take the garbage can to the back.
2006-10-17 21:35:41 · answer #8 · answered by PsyChoPath 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
What has Elton John and Richard Hammond got in common ?
They both have skid marks on their helmets
2006-10-17 21:30:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
What does the gynecologist and pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
2006-10-17 21:26:17 · answer #10 · answered by PoohP 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋