Does anyone know any really funny good jokes?? Dirty, Comical, Animal, whatever???? Thanks?

Answer 1

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Boy, what is ur problem?
Boy,I am too smart for the first grade. My sister is in third grade and I am smarter than her so I should be in 3rd grade.
The teacher had enough. she took d boy to d principal's office. Boy waited outside and d teacher went to the principal and explained the situation. D principal told he would give a test to d boy and if he failed, he would go to 1st grade. Boy was brought in and d conditions were explained to him and he agreed.
Principal,What is 3x3.
Boy,9.
Principal,What is 6x6.
Boy,36.And so the boy answered all the questions correctly which were asked by the principal.He recommended d teacher for his admission in 3rd grade. The teacher said, I hv some of my own questions. Can I ask him. D principal n boy both agreed.
Ms.What does a cow have four of that I hv only two.
Boy, Legs.
Ms.What is in ur pants that u hv but I dont hv?
Boy,Pockets.
Ms.What starts with C and ends with T, is hairly, oval, delicious n contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy,Coconut.
Ms.What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft n sticky?
The principal's eyes opened wide n before he could stop d answer, boy was taking charge.
Boy,Bubblegum.
Ms.What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down n a dog does on 3 legs?
Boy, Shake hands.
Ms.Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, Okay?
Boy,Yep.
Ms.U stick ur poles inside me. U tie me down to get me up. I get wet before u do.
Boy,Tent.
Ms.A finger goes in me. U fiddle with me when u r bored. D best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless a bit n took one large Vodka peg.
Boy,Wedding Ring.
Ms.I come in many sizes. When I am not well, I drip. When u blow me u feel good.
Boy,Nose.
Ms.I hv a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy,Arrow.
Ms.What word starts with F and ends with K and that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Boy,Firetruck.
Ms.What starts with F and ends with K and if u dont get it u hv to use ur own hands?
Boy,Fork.
Ms.What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?
Boy, Surname.
Ms.What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, and is responsible for making love?
Boy,Heart.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the college, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself.

Answer 2

A clergyman was admitted to hospital with a large bump on his stomach. At the same time a nurse had a baby by one of the surgeons. To cover this up they told the clergyman that by some miracle he'd been delivered of a baby son. He took the baby home with him. When the boy reached 21 the clergyman took him to one side and said, "I have a confession to make. I am not your father. I am your mother. Your father is the Archbishop of Canterbury."

Answer 3

My two-pennorth:

What is the difference between a barrow boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares and the other wears out his balls!!!

What is the difference between a woman going upstairs and a man watching her?
One steps up stairs, the other stares up steps.

What is the difference between a fisherman and a dunce?
One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. (There is a mile between the first and last letters)

She was only the colonel's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant.

She was only the tipster's daughter, but she was a dead cert bet.

She was only the policeman's daughter, but she let the Chief Inspector.

Answer 4

A man walks into a pub with three ducks in a box, he walks up to the bar and orders a pint
"you cant bring animals in here "says the barman to which the man replies"these are no ordinary ducks sir these are talking ducks" "No way" said the barman "they talk" said the man "ask one a question" so the barman turns to the first duck and says"Hello little duck what's you name and what have you done today" the little duck says "My name is harry and as you know it has been raining all day so I've been in and out of puddles all day" the barman is flabbergasted and turns to the second duck and asks the same of it "My name is Barry says the second duck and I have had the time of my life today going in and out of puddles" the barman repeats the question to the third who replies"My name is Puddles and before you askI have had a sh it day!"



man walks into the pub with a duck on his head the barman says "what on earth happened to you?" and the duck replies "dont know mate I woke up this morning with this growing out of my ars e"

Answer 5

High Birth Rate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Answer 6

There was an opening for secretarial position, only three women applied. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

''What would you do if you found £50 lying on the floor in the office?''

The first one says ''I would post a sign saying that money had been found, and try to find the person who lost it''

The second one says ''I would lock up the money in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it''

The third one says ''I would turn it over to the building security.''

Do you know which one got the job?


The one with the biggest breasts!!!!!

Answer 7

jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they
>were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
>into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
>there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and
>pulled Jim out When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic
>act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she
>now considered her to be mentally stable.
>When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news
and
>bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you
>were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the
>life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
>mindedness.
>The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
>bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry,
>but he's dead."
>Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How
soon
>can I go home?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




sign at northampton hospital

for family planning use rear entrance

Answer 8

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're fucked."

*************
how do u get four gay men on a bar stool?
Turn the stool upside down!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

Here is one short and sweet...

My wife had been nagging me for driving my motorbike too fast the other day. A policeman stopped me. I said 'What have I done wrong?'

'Nothing sir' he replied, 'Your wife fell off 3 miles ago'

I Said, 'Thank christ for that, I thought I had gone deaf'

Answer 10

Here are six of the best!

1.

Two women friends had gone on a girls night out & had been decidely over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk & walkin home they suddenly realised they both needed to pee.They were near a graveyard &1 of them suggested they do it behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her pants & used them, then threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set & didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave & wiped herself with that. After finishing they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties! "That's nothing!!" said the other. "Mine's come back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!" :)

2.

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" "He eats *****. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."

3.

After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"
The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."
Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. "Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly. "That's how you wave a bloody towel."

4.

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

5.

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

6.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."


Enjoy! I have looked at the rest and I am sure mine is worth 10!!!
Oh go on???