Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.

2006-10-20 11:07:13 · 21 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

2006-10-20 11:06:31 · 8 answers · asked by Pharaoh 1

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

2006-10-20 11:03:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo' mama so fat, she wears two watches -- one for each timezone!

2006-10-20 11:03:24 · 9 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

2006-10-20 10:58:55 · 29 answers · asked by Miracle C 1

Yo mama's So Poor

Yo' mama so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!

2006-10-20 10:58:52 · 11 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A man walked into a bar, a saw another older man with a HUGE lighter.

"Where did you get that?" Asked the younger man.
"I have a geni, want to try 'im out?" asked the elder. The first man was confused, but agreed. The older man gave him the lantern.
"I wish for... a million bucks!" Asked the man, smiling.

Suddenly, a duck walked in. Then another and another, until at least one million ducks waddled into the room, cramming it.

"Ya see, the geni here has a hearing problem."
"He does??" Asked the younger man, franticly.
"Yup! Do yah think I wished for a ten inch Bic?"

2006-10-20 10:56:00 · 22 answers · asked by Lisa C 2

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood."The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

2006-10-20 10:54:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were married for 75 years.

Whenever the husband talked to his wife he always called her "honey", "sweetheart", etc.Everyone that knew them thought it was sweet. But, no-one knew why he did that.

Then one day a friend visited them.

The husband said" Honey, can you get me my book from the other room?"

The wife left. Then the guest asked "Why do you always call your wife such sweet names?"

The husband said " Ohh, I forgot her name 20 years ago."

2006-10-20 10:54:48 · 20 answers · asked by Deb 2

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

2006-10-20 10:54:31 · 3 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a Christmas tree on one thigh and a turkey on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a Christmas tree on one thigh and a turkey on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

2006-10-20 10:54:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walked into a sex shop and asked for a vibrator ,the shop assistant pointed to the wall display and told her to chose one...She point to the large red one ....the assistant told her "sorry,but thats the fire extingusher"

2006-10-20 10:53:52 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Italian mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his ded. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howa about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. " Whatta you gonna do then..pointa to your watch and say, Times Up ?"
***********
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

2006-10-20 10:53:38 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

2006-10-20 10:52:34 · 11 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

2006-10-20 10:52:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

2006-10-20 10:49:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '

2006-10-20 10:49:52 · 8 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Two Blondes and a Lake

There were two blondes, one was on one side of the lake and one was on the other. One blonde yelled to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde yelled back, "You're already on the other side!"

2006-10-20 10:44:59 · 4 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Is it true they give you cash for your sperm, When i think of all the money ive let slip through my fingers through the years

2006-10-20 10:43:25 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

2006-10-20 10:38:28 · 4 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.< B>
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

2006-10-20 10:36:56 · 21 answers · asked by L!LO 4

2006-10-20 10:36:09 · 10 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

2006-10-20 10:30:03 · 54 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

Don't Do Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...





and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)





I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison......"

2006-10-20 10:28:59 · 14 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-10-20 10:26:48 · 13 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

2006-10-20 10:23:36 · 30 answers · asked by statusquo44 3

Love Fence

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.

The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

2006-10-20 10:20:01 · 6 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

You pull up to a bus stop and sitting there is your best friend, an old woman having a heart attack and the woman (or man) of your dreams. Who do you give a ride to?

2006-10-20 10:18:10 · 14 answers · asked by Justin H 2

2006-10-20 10:17:20 · 14 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

Can you guess the riddle?

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle? Just repost this bulletin with the title "The World's Hardest Riddle", "and then check your inbox. You'll get a message with the correct answer in it. Good

2006-10-20 10:14:29 · 14 answers · asked by angel_of_asu20 1