Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A little frontier boy was thrown from the back of a covered wagon as it traveled west. A small tribe of wandering Indians found him and raised him. Many years later, as a young man, the Indians came across another wagon full of people heading west. The folks in the wagon saw that he was a white man living with the Indians. They asked him how that came about and also what the name of the tribe was. He told them of falling from the wagon when he little and that the Indians had raised him, and the name of tribe was the Fugowi tribe and that they a were nomadic tribe and their chief had led them all over the west. The settlers asked if he was sure that was name of the tribe as they had never heard of that name before. The young man said he thought that was right name because every time the chief would come to top of a bluff, he would shield his eyes with his hand and say, "We're the Fugowi?"

2006-10-20 14:20:59 · 9 answers · asked by one eye 3

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-10-20 14:12:09 · 20 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

2006-10-20 14:09:25 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

_____

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the men ,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"

_____

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.

She says: confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she."

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

_____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day - 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!" _____

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" and left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece .

2006-10-20 14:09:15 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A.
Sentence B. is true.









































B.
Sentence A. is false

2006-10-20 13:20:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

2006-10-20 13:13:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-20 13:04:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a sudden she pulled out this condom with all ribs, bumps , and knobbly bits on it. I said what's that and she replied " i get more pleasure out of it this way " so i took it off her and turned it inside out ................why should she have all the fun !!!!!!

any good ?

2006-10-20 13:03:43 · 28 answers · asked by Cyber Bob 2

2006-10-20 12:54:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-20 12:47:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-20 12:41:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

( I'm worried nobody knows how bad these things are for you!)
And I like a laugh!

2006-10-20 12:40:12 · 27 answers · asked by mesmerized 5

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath
- when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie! ... "You know how I work. You have
three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie.."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is
right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.

2006-10-20 12:38:34 · 10 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

need some corny/cutesy jokes that works well with girls.

2006-10-20 12:34:23 · 9 answers · asked by th1a90 3

2006-10-20 12:18:52 · 19 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

there is a man that lives on the 21st floor of an appartment building,when he leaves for work- he goes all the way down to the ground level. But when he comes home from work, he can only go to the 16th floor and has to walk to remaining 5 floor- unless it is raining-- then he can go all the way up. Why?

2006-10-20 12:17:45 · 14 answers · asked by dreamteam 2

A little boy was spending the day with his grandad, the grandad was drinking a can of lager and the little boy said to him - can i have some of your beer so the grandad said can you touch your ars* with your d*ck, the boy said no so the grandad said well come back to me when you can and ill give you a beer!
next the grandad pulls a fag out and lights up, again the little boy said, grandad can i have some of that, so the grandad again said can you touch your ars* with your di*k, the boy again said no so the grandad said well come back to me when you can and you can have some!
a little while later the little boy pulls out a packet of sweets, the grandad says to him - ah gis a sweet - so he said well...can you touch your ar*e with your d*ck?, he says yes of course i can....

.....................................











so he said well go fu*k yourself then

2006-10-20 12:14:05 · 6 answers · asked by misyid 2

he told her to go out and buy herself a little black number!

2006-10-20 12:07:20 · 8 answers · asked by jean t 2

2006-10-20 12:00:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

my mate put a funny question on here before about a dead parrot, it was just a little joke but he got so many anally retentive answers from miserys! why why why??

2006-10-20 11:58:31 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Tallulah♥ 4

ok here is a quiz i know it lets see if u do if people are flying in a airplane across the border and the plain crashes on the border were do the survivers get barryed. answer also how many of each animal did mosis take on his ark.

2006-10-20 11:58:15 · 12 answers · asked by bloo b 3

How many seconds are in a year? (riddle not math problem)

2006-10-20 11:56:11 · 10 answers · asked by Musiqbaby 1

Dear Husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I've enclosed a picture so you can see it wasn't serious. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO

Look at my 360 for the picture. Its under my avatar pic.

2006-10-20 11:42:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's what accountants find. conected to a word for others that when you put the sounds together makes another word.

2006-10-20 11:39:33 · 5 answers · asked by lord_andys_new_id 1

Do you think she's shot herself in the foot????????????????/

2006-10-20 11:35:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two nuns from a catholic church in england were coming to the US for a seminar. when the plane landed, the nuns were so hungry they decided to stop at the first food stand they saw at the airport. They read the menu as they waited there turn in line. Hamburgers, hot dogs, brats, subs, ect.
One nun said to the other nun," do they really eat dog in the US"?
" I don't know, I've never heard of that, but it seems everyone is enjoying it, maybe we should try it?
The nuns turn came up to order and they happily said" we will try 2 hot dogs please"

They received there food and found a near by table to eat at.
As the first nun opened the foil wrapping- not sure what to expect.
she raised her hand to her mouth and gasped ,sister----
"What part of the dog did you get"?
.

2006-10-20 11:28:28 · 17 answers · asked by dreamteam 2

There was a Latin Girl, an Asian girl, and a blonde. After their moms having packed the same meal for three days, they are sick of it. They vowed that if they had the same meal again the next day, that they would jump off of the school roof.
Well, the next day, the Latin girl opens up her lunch and sees a tamale in it and jumps to her death.
The Asian does the same and sees rice in hers and jumps to her death also.
The blonde opens hers and sees a tuna sandwich and jumps to her death.
At the girls funerals, the Latin's mom cried and said "I should've listened to her... I had no idea she hated tamales so much!"
The Asian's mom cried and said "I didn't believe her... I should've listened!"
Both the Asian and the Latin's mom hug and cry into each other's shoulders... but they noticed that the blonde's mom wasn't crying.
"What?" The blonde's mom said. "She made her own lunch."

2006-10-20 11:25:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

If Whoopie goldberg married peter cushing?

would her name be whoopie cushing

2006-10-20 11:19:52 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

I parked in a disabled bay today, when a traffic warden came over to me and said "oi whats your disabillity?".
"Tourettes" I replyed "Now Fu(k o££ you c@nt"

2006-10-20 11:19:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Beetrix Bee and her 21 Bee friends went to the Beef Burger Bonanza they ate sixty Beef Burgers with cheese But only six with Beetroot.
(Clue)
How many Bees ?

2006-10-20 11:12:54 · 38 answers · asked by Michael B 1